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Saying she'll harm herself? That's like she's manipulating everyone and wanting to be told that you'll do everything to help her, that you couldn't stand it if something happened to her, and so on. Tell her those things to comfort her. By the way, neither of my parents was ever told they had dementia. Doctor doesn't have to tell her, and you and dad don't either. As for doctor, emphasize how she's acting and ask if she can take Aricept or/and Memantine. I've known doctors who have prescribed these based on reports of behavior from family and a simple test in their office. One was an osteopath. (You could download the test from online and casually present the questions over a period of time to see how mom answers the questions; share results with doctor.)
Since she's not navigating well outside the home, make sure she doesn't drive. Too dangerous. Be alert for wandering behavior. All of you get Apple smartwatches and put the FindMe app on all of them. That way you can monitor her moving around and locate her if she gets lost. It has a fall alert that can notify 911 if she falls. You and dad can quietly modify their home - lots of nightlights that switch on when it gets dark, move furniture so there are clear paths, take up moveable rugs, equip bathrooms with grab bars. Prepare, prepare, prepare.
As a last-ditch attempt to get her to the doctor, lie. Tell her she'll lose her Medicare if she doesn't go to her annual exam. Also, there are doctors who will come to her house. Find out if you have some near you.
I feel sorry for dad, and he's going to need help. Don't let it be only you. Don't move them into your home. Push memory care with professionals right from the beginning, and visit some so you'll know what they are like. Be aware that home aides are difficult to manage, and even though it seems like a great solution, it can't be sustained for long. You'd need more than one even with you and dad there.
Good luck, I'm sorry you're all going through this.
(I hope you have POA)
Unless mom has other medical conditions that require continued monitoring or renewal of prescription what do you need her to go to the doctor for?
If mom goes on Hospice (a good possibility) that would eliminate the need for taking her to the doctor. Any prescription can be ordered by the Hospice doctor and delivered.
And if a prescription is not necessary maybe it is time to discontinue some of the meds she is on (if any)
But getting to her "refusing"
If mom has dementia she no longer has the capacity to make decisions as to her care. YOU or whoever is POA is the decision maker. You do not give her a choice. "Mom, you have an appointment with Dr. Jones today and we will go to lunch after" You tell her this as you are helping her get dressed in the morning. You don't mention it the day before. Sometimes it might even be better to not say anything at all and get her into the car and "go for a ride".
And if getting her into the car is getting impossible or dangerous there are doctors that make house calls.
There are different types of dementia, and I am certainly not an expert. Probably the most common is Alzheimers. Finding which type can be useful in telling what to expect about its progression, even if there is nothing much you can do about it. For many types, you can make a reasonable diagnosis from behavior. My understanding that a certain diagnosis can usually come only from an autopsy investigation of the brain, after death, which can show the plaques.
Find out more about this, before making life difficult for all your family members by pushing for a doctor’s diagnosis – or from resisting it.
There she was diagnosed with a mild stroke and NPH dementia. It’s important to note that self neglect is a form of elder abuse! The earlier the diagnosis, the better!
Have her Medicare provider schedule one. Tell her it is "required" now to keep her Medicare coverage.
but if it’s impossible to get her diagnosed (and even with cooperative patients it can sometimes be difficult) then you and dad are going to have to manage the best you can in the meantime. It’s really hard, but know shes unlikely to get better. She will almost certainly get worse. I agree with the person who said you can’t do this alone (be your dad’s only support). One drowning person can pull two down with her just by wearing you out.
in My case, my dad starting behaving really erratically in his mid-70s. Luckily he was willing to see a dr because he thought it was just to help him with insomnia. He was really mad about having power over finances taken away from him, but he had been making a lot of terrible mistakes. He was also mad about having the car keys taken away, but he had been in a couple of accidents and getting lost and driving erratically.
he passed recently and now it’s my mom who refuses to see a dr. I don’t think she has dementia but she has other physical issues.
Similar to your parents, they had been married 60 years when he passed.
best wishes to you.
I don't understand how you / others know more about a specific post/ person / need than I do (looking at the question here which doesn't mention things you do).
Gena / Touch Matters