Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. Any advice?

Someone else might kick her ___ to the curb, so she doesn't try it with them. You, on the other hand, won't fight back. Tell her how you feel. Then move on with the rest of your life somewhere else. Don't take that kind of abuse any longer.

Unfortunately it isn't uncommon for the parent to be sweet and nice to strangers and difficult to family, especially daughters. My Mom is like that.

Wow.what a mean mom.

You may wish to invest in a cheap camcorder and an external storage hard drive for documentation. After someone at my mom's facility called APS I felt threatened / feared for my own legal safety and began documenting each visit with her. Under intense scrutiny, I also stopped touching her other than to check her blood sugar and redress wounds. Subsequently the people I hired to give her showers failed to do so and mom got a severe UTI which had her in and out of the hospital for two months. I had to move her to a more intense care facility and things are better care-wise but worse regarding her health now.
When one is dealing with dementia and/or narcissism we cannot be too careful. We must protect ourselves as well as the elder. Sometimes this is not possible and you must place your own safety first. I have been my mother's whipping post for many years but I will not die or go to prison to placate her. There are times when I believe she would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. You must decide for yourself what you will subject yourself to and to what degree, but I cannot stress enough to document everything as her accusations may escalate.

sandra, very very good point for her to read. I agree.

dejavuagain, GREAT above post. Looking at my parents I can see the dark side that you are talking about. I am also going to check out the movie. Thanks!!

One thing to consider is how long and to what degree the verbal and/or physical abuse has been occurring. Was it always a problem, but to a much lesser degree, or has this only surfaced with the onset of dementia? Part of the dynamics in family affairs is the gender and birth position. Mother/daughter relationships have their own peculiar dynamic. [Off-topic: For a look at a REALLY screwed up mother/daughter relationship watch the movie "Like Water for Chocolate." It's a fascinating story with a touch of the supernatural.]

In my case, I am the only daughter, with three younger brothers. My 93 year old mother has the sort of dementia that recognizes people and situations and places. However she fashions reality to her liking. For example, she is convinced that one of my brothers used to live with her year-round when the truth is that he only spent a part of each winter with her (but the nature of his current work has made that impossible now). She has made a shambles of her finances, but when you try to get any information out of her she goes into shut-down mode, not having a clue what you are talking about. Through all of her fantasies, she acts as if everyone else has a screw loose and she is the only rational individual!

It is difficult for me to look at our relationship objectively. I didn't really notice that Mom was particularly negative with me (since she doesn't take advice from ANYBODY, including doctors), but my sister-in-law commented that she was shocked at how disrespectfully Mom treated me. She is not abusive but somewhat disdainful and argumentative with me while smiling sweetly and conversing amicably with others. However, every time I spend a couple of months with my mother, in the last week of my visit, when she realizes that I will be leaving soon and she will have to go and stay with my neurotic, dysfunctional Baby Bro until another brother can take over, she suddenly becomes sweet and cooperative, expressing how she wishes I could stay longer.

In other words, while the dementia may be bringing out a lot of irrational and bizarre behavior, she is crazy like a fox. I've said this before: The person with dementia might SEEM like a completely different person, but like a drunk with lowered inhibitions, certain underlying characteristics that are part of that person are more freely expressed. We all have a "dark side" and dementia unfortunately often reveals that side of our personalities.

Littlejo and Suezq32, I agree with others who have advised you to cover your derriere as to legal and financial issues, do what you can to remove yourself from the crosshairs (not the same as abandonment), and actively live a full life outside of the artificial confines your parent has constructed for you.

littlejo,
Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's? If so, this may be why she is behaving the way she is towards you. You cannot reason with a person who has this disease, so please, do not take to heart anything she says/does to you. My mother became mean to me too as her dementia progressed, just overlook it, keep reminding yourself that it's not her, but the disease (talking/behaving) like that. Don't take her anywhere without a family member with you...make appointments, etc... on their days off of work. Get some help from other family members so they can eventually see her in this "mean" state of mind. Sorry you are going through this, it is difficult I know, but she needs a lot of tlc.

Wow this post got seriously hijacked. Littlejo, if you are still reading… somewhat similar situation for me, except that there is no "everyone else" sibce for a couple of years I am virtually the only human my mother has contact with. Same deal with the hitting, tgat I ruined her life, that she was constipated one day and had me, etc. It is not just the dementia since she has acted that was all my 55 years. Since she can act rational if she wants police and APS say she is fine… even one time I was bleeding from the abuse they said it was fine. So. My approach has been to realize that like others here a need may come for me to finally walk away from this, and I keep documentation to back me up legally so it will not be taken as abandonment. When she is going into hate filled hysterics, I keep a wary eye on her but also on myself. It is possible to listen to such things and not get snagged and swept away by it. In fact one of my time to get outta here triggers is if I start yelling back or even engaging the bickering at all. I just don't say anything. When she tries to hit me I just quietly face her and hold my arm out so sge cannot approach. It gets pretty bad, but I have noticed that if I stay calm and alert, when the hysteria subsides I feel emotionally unscathed. As far as what you said about you trying to show affection…. When my mother does calm down, sometimes I will think of that as home base for her, and will do something real simple, like just place my hand on her head or shoulder and say goodnight. I also try to keep a perspective… learn from this and work on not eventually becoming the subject on a message board like this someday ;)

LittleJo,
I have a similar situation with my mother. I live in Florida and my parents live in Maryland. My mother treats my father horribly. (hitting, cussing, telling him she hates him, even pulled a knife on him) She behaves this way toward him in front of family members and the public. She is so sweet to everyone else around her. People think she is so kind and giving. I have 8 other siblings that take turns checking on her and giving my father a break. I fly up there every other month to help out. You need a support team. Check with people at your church, neighbors, other family members. Paying the neighbor to ride along is a start. You will not change her, but you can change your situation somewhat. Find a few people who you can share what you are going thru, journaling, etc. Do you have siblings? I am the only one who does not work. The 8 other siblings and I stay in contact with group skyping and emailing. We discuss the situation and what needs to be tried. My siblings take vacation time to give my father a break, take turns driving her to the doctors, take her for weekend visits at their home, etc. This will NOT last forever and the siblings need to give of their time and themselves so that all the responsibility does not fall on one person. When she is gone, they will be glad they helped her out in the end. I pray for you right now that God will give you the strength and peace of mind to keep going. It is not easy and may be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life. The words spoken are the disease. You need to practice telling yourself the truth. You are giving, loving, sacrificing, patient, etc. Say this out loud to yourself. Words hurt, especially from a parent, but this is not your parent speaking. It is the frustration from the disease and the only way they know how to expel this frustration is through blaming someone or something.

Just reading your story, my heart aches for you. Those hurtful things that are said by "parents" are much more devastating because we internalize them. We need our parents to like us/ love us. At least that is what goes thru our head. I had trouble with this myself. You have 2 choices :
1- learn to separate your heart from her emotionally.Realize that you don't really need to have her like/love you to care for her. (that's empowering and challenging)
You are lovable and perfect just as you are. Look around you and see that you don't need her approval. You are good. You are loved. You have many people to support that.
2- Remove yourself from the position. Someone else can and will have to do it. Then don't feel guilty. You have a good heart, you don't deserve it stomped on. especially by a parent. Dementia or not, the words hurt and if you can't become numb to them, resign the position to someone else.

It is advanced dementia... A brain disease that only worsens. Call a local hospice... It is free. They can evaluate and offer free navigation on where to go from this point. They will also provide free counseling for you. I am a RN. I run a hospice company. Please get help. You do not have to go through this alone. If your loved one is not yet eligible for their services they will guide you where to seek help and follow up with you! Many blessings!

Littlejo, I think we've hijacked your post - but I hope it is some help to show that you are not alone, you are right to be concerned, and you may need to take steps to protect yourself and Mom. It is sad when irrationality has free reign to run the whole show, right into the ground...

No, you are not crazy and this has happened so many times on here to someone. They will probably have a very difficult time telling if Mom was competent to sign the POA at that time, and now if she is competent to contest the guardianship which is clearly not consistent with her current wishes, and what the intentions of the "friend" really are..if friend will actually care for her well versus rob her blind. Does the friend want guardianship now too?

Yes, I have a lawyer who handles elder law, estate planning, etc. He's a very honest man and knows the law, unfortunately, my moms lawyer, I don't think has the same moral values. The monies for the home sale was deposited in her acct, that was there when we took control with the temp. But the furniture and rest of the items, who knows! One day my mom says she gave them to her friend to do whatever she wanted to with them and another day she says they were sold and she didn't get much money for them. One time she told me they were in storage somewhere! I'll just keep on going til the courts decide if I have the right to care for my mom or some stranger has more rights than me. This site has been a great help from the start, I've found it comforting to know I'm not alone and not so crazy after all! God Bless all of you who post here!

Good God. You are in a world of hurt, if that money is all gone already and did not go towards her care, there will be a long Medicaid penalty period if you need it within the next 5 years - or even more the way things are going in some states. No one would blame you for walking away, unless your state has filial responsibility laws. Does your current lawyer know his or her stuff when it comes to eldercare? Do you know what was done with the proceeds of the sales?

Been there, done that, we even have a Dr's report that says she is not capable of making any financial or medical decisions. We just took depositions from her Dr who said she may be capable of making a decision at one point and then 3 hrs later not know what she is doing. Still I am having to go through this. I think her lawyer is out to drag this out as long as possible, I'm also thinking I may have to get another lawyer to move this along, mine doesn't seem to be too aggressive! My mom signed a POA making this lady in charge, that is why I filed for guardianship, she sold my moms home, furniture and belongings, my mom tells everyone thats what she wanted and she asked her to do it. Now my mom keeps asking me where her things are, what did I do with them!

SueZQ you are being railroaded! Gather evidence! bring anything you have that shows yu have been a responsible caregiver and that Mom is not capable of handling her own affairs. Even ask the APS people to help you - tell them what's happening, that the same things they came and saw were unfounded were being brought up against you in court, and this "friend" either believes tons of stories that just are not true OR is out to make herself Mom's beneficiary, you don't know which, but neither makes her a suitable caregiver.

littlejo, I have you in my prayers because I know exactly how you feel and what you"re going through. God help us all!

Thanks vstefans for clarifying that. the reason I brought it up, is because the lawyer my mom has, used that statement as one of his reasons for filing to dismiss the temporary guardianship that has been given me. I thought it was a weak reason for dismissing, but the judge looked dumbfounded when my moms lawyer went on for approx. 20 min of babbling about this and other things that are too long to even mention here. its only hearsay from my moms delusional idea that I've been mean and hateful to her and how much she loves this friend of hers and hates me. Also, the lawyer said the temporary was only in effect for 30 days, but at the last 2 hearings the judge said it would stand until this is settled, but she couldn't find the transcripts only notes in front of her to check, so she agreed with my moms lawyer and said it was no longer in effect. So, here we go again, more appts, more hearings, more money and I'm supposed to turn everything over to my mom and this lady. I'm waiting for a court order, not changing a thing til this is cleared. My mom keeps asking wheres her meds and money and wants to know when I'm bringing it over.

SueZQ, APS did exactly what they are supposed to do. The got a complaint, they investigated, they found the complaint was without merit, they "unfounded" or "unsubstantiated" the complaint which means you are NOT labeled or considered as an abuser or neglecter.

There have been some awful stories of "friends" taking advantage of the elder's confusion about who REALLY has their back, and getting guardianships and/or POAs for the purpose of wiping the person out financially while legally preventing loved ones from intervening - and it can be a huge battle to get bad decisions reversed, and not always won. Your children are right. Get the guardianship. The friend is either ill informed about dementia, or up to no good, or both. If you get the guardianship, then friend and can be involved if they want to be, but on YOUR terms, not theirs. And, Alzheimer dementia is much more likely to leave the person not recognizing familiar people, this may never occur or occur only very late in people with other types, particularly vascular, FTD, or Lewy body.

APS did get involved with my mom because of friend who told her to call, she doesn't think my mother would lie! I never heard from APS, i do know a report was filed, unsubstantiated, case closed, whatever thats supposed to mean. I think APS and the court social worker they sent out to interview my mom, do not know what they're doing. They thought my mom was fine, said they didn't see anything wrong, she was dressed appropriate, thought she and my mother had a bad relationship before this. The problem here, is there was nothing wrong with my moms and my relationship my whole life, at least I didn't think there was. Now, I wonder if I was just blind and saw what I wanted to. My children want me to continue to fight, if we do not get guardianship, this lady will take over and my mom has said she will move with this friend of hers to her hometown. I don't think thats right, I have friends who's parents went through a similar phase of dementia and moved on and everything is better for them now, there parents don't know who they are, they remember occasionally, but at least its not the "I hate You" phase. So, I think they do get to a point where they move on, at least, I hope so. I agree with the above poster, Pray for us all! We need answers and hopefully enough courage to see this through without loosing our minds and health!

My Father 89 who I have done everything told me that he and Mom said that they wished they never had me. Both parents in and out of hospitals since 2012. Both dementia. Think this happens alot. Sorry, no advice because I need advice myself. Pray for us all.

Listen to yourself. She treats EVERYONE else well, but you. Why are you letting her torture you? You sound so much like my sister. "Mother tells everyone that she loves them, but me." I begged my sister not to be Mother's door mat. The stress added to my sister's early death.

Other people think that my mother is a jewel. If I am around her more than 2 days, she becomes hateful. (I live in another state.) So, my take on it is that she doesn't want me there.

Read Caring For My Difficult Older Parent. It was right on, for me.

Set boundaries and limit your contact with her. I understand that she has dementia, but in the end, it is you that she is physical with.

This isn't your mother's behavior ... it is the dementia. Nevertheless, you need to protect yourself from the behavior of the dementia. Continue to love her and try to see to it that she has the best care that she can have, but try not to be the one who provides it directly. How would she get to her appointments if you had an injury and couldn't drive? Start using that alternative.

Avoid being alone with her if at all possible.

She can't help this behavior. Reasoning with her will change nothing. Allowing her to abuse you emotionally and physically is not doing her any good, either.

I especially agree with vstefans counsel on this matter.

Littljo, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how that must hurt. Can you get someone else to run her around and help out to give you a break? Remember, it is the dementia and your mom isn't your mom any more. I see similar in my family. My mother blames my sister for everything and dumps on her but not so much on me. Fortunately she is not violent. That saying about biting the hand that feeds you seems to be human nature. The more you help and enable people the more they seem to resent you. Then add dementia to the mix. I lived out of state for many years then moved back 20 years ago to help with mom. My sister lived near mom all along, and as she aged, sis was there. In fact, I could see that she constantly enabled her to the point that she expected it and became her "mommy" "go to person for everything", which was definitely not good for either of them. Now she is in her 90's with dementia and impossible and she takes it out on mostly sis. My sister always brings a friend when she visits her because mom behaves better when someone is there too. Hugs to you!

Littlejo, this and many variations of it are a very common nightmare. The person loses judgement and reasoning due to dementia, either dreams or confabulates a reason that a loved one is to blame for their losses of various abilities or of independence, and then perseverates totally on it to top it off. It is very sad and it is not always fixable. They will tend to be nicer to people who come around less often, or whose presence and support they cannot so safely take for granted, or to paid staff who they realize on some level will walk away if they are abused.

You don't necessarily walk away and throw them under the bus, but you do delegate any care possible to others with whom they are not abusive, and you cannot let them abuse minor children or grandchildren of course. It is very sad and there may not be a fix for it if the reasoning ability is too far gone and they cannot be shown or convinced, perhaps by a trusted third party like a pastor, that the reasons they have for hating on you are not valid.

If APS complaints are going to happen on the basis of the paranoia and delusions, good documentation and avoiding being alone with them is probably necessary for your protection. APS folks should be reasonably savvy, but friends and lay people who have not been through this sort of thing, or only know Alzhemier type dementia may believe that a person who recognizes familiar people and can converse a little is "sharp as a tack."

Wish this was easier or at least solvable somehow, and my prayers are with you that you can find good care and any help possible for Mom and peace for yourself!

My mother was diagnosed with dementia, vascular at first, now they think Alzheimers. She had a heart attack last year and has been paranoid, delusional, thinks I'm out to get her, wants me out of her life. Tells me often how much she hates me and what a terrible daughter I am. She also tried to hit her grand daughter after she had taken her to a Drs. appt. because she said she had kidnapped her and wanted out of the car. All this, but she's as nice as can be to everyone else and no one believes there is anything wrong with her. I have filed for guardianship, but a friend of hers said she should fight it because there is nothing wrong with her and agrees with everything she says. You are telling this littlejo to walk away, its not an easy thing to do. Is there something wrong with her mother, was she always like this or is this new behavior. If everyone just walked away because their dementia/alzheimers parents became difficult??? I'm not so sure thats the answer. You do have to distance yourself emotionally, but very difficult to do. I know probably not a very helpful answer, but, I'm not sure what to do many times either. I do leave when she starts in, but that took me awhile to do, most of the time I tried to defend myself, thinking she could be reasoned with. Not so! Now, I like to take a friend or my husband with me, because she is much nicer when someone else is around.

I want to say wow, and I also want to offer you what I would consider is advise, where would have to think through all of the points that you want to discuss. I am very sorry for the hurt you are feeling, so I want to see if there is possibly an effective way, and of course knowing you cannot ever change another person.

Some counseling may help you, but first you have to let go.

1.
Create a good sounding board for yourself to give your life some needed perspective. It is important that you do this as writing and not by talking to someone. That comes later in the process. Start a journal or a blog but make sure it is not going to be read by your mother. The objective is to heal yourself, become stronger and remove toxic behavior from your life, not hurt your mother.


2.

Think very hard and make detailed lists regarding your mother. Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behavior?

3.
Start to distance yourself-this is the hardest part but you absolutely need to do this step. Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behavior. What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down in your journal. Start with your behavior towards her. Write down pieces of any emotional conversation and look at it. Are you feeding her behavior in any way or adding fuel to the fire. If you are then stop immediately.
4.
Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favor one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person. She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging. Emotional behavior is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective. It will make you stronger.
5..
Protect yourself. For six months be only the observer not caught up in the drama. She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks. Stay calm, observe and keep writing.
6.

Reflect on whether it is healthy to keep a relationship with her. Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you. If this is the case-leave the relationship and not talk/visit her for an allotted amount of time. Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right. The time might never be right but you saved yourself.
7.

Believe that being a adult child of a unhappy person is very hard and give yourself the room to be happy and create a life. Start one step at a time becoming more independent. In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are. Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is. Your job is not to make her happy. That does not make you a "bad, selfish, etc" person but a healthy one.
8.

Avoid the trap of guilt. It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships. You are responsible for yourself not her.

Please note, the above was given to me above, and it was not regarding my mother, but I just typed in as if mother was the issue. I do recall that you have a sister, and put in a bit about "sister", but this is the best way to start to deal with things.

First and foremost, IT IS NOT YOU. You are not the cause of anything.

You are the cause of walking in the room at the wrong time (for her, not you).

You are the cause of her talking, yelling, because you did not hang up the phone, when she started in. (That is tough).

I get it, I am giving you, as I feel it has work much better in quantity a blanket of situations, since when most people post here, they are either hurting, and sometimes leave out situations. If they pertain to your situation, use them, and certainly if you have more questions, please send me a confidential mail, and I would be happy to talk with you.

All the best
"Life is a journey, not a race"

Walk away. I don't care if she is a hundred and ten, if she hits you, you walk away. Let someone else see to her care, even if it is the county home. Some counseling may help you, but first you have to let go.