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Remember that she's there for safety reasons, as my mother is (94 and living in Memory Care) and so we don't have to worry that they're in grave danger. My mother is always angry at me about SOMETHING, too, so that's fine. Last night she told the CG to tell me she was 'sleeping' at 8 pm when I called b/c she was pissed about something else, as usual. That's fine, as long as she's okay! That's the goal: Keep them safe & secure and tell any white lies necessary to keep it that way.
Good luck; I know how tough this all is. I hope your mom adjusts well and settles in to her new AL soon!
”Guilt” means deliberately ignoring the plea of someone for whom you could fix a problem by becoming g involved in it. YOU CAN’T solve her problem. You tried alternatives and none of them worked.
If you have chosen her placement with love and concern for her welfare, you have done fine. Be at peace that she is in a safe place where she will be cared for.
Guilt is for someone who did something wrong, which you didn't do. You did what was necessary-and there will be an adjustment period.
Cut back to as many phone calls as YOU can handle--likely mom is unaware that she has overstepped bounds with that.
The RN has a lot more experience with this than you have had--let her lead you into this new 'norm'.
Last night when I talked to her, we actually had a good conversation. She's still a bit confused, but seemed to be settling in. I think the RN actually gave me pretty good advice. It's probably been harder on me than her.
I talked to her about expressing her needs to the staff, and she seemed to understand that they are there to help her.
It's day by day right now. I am experiencing some sort of weird guilt/relief sort of thing where I went from doing LOTS of stuff for my Mom and constantly worrying about her safety day and night, while working, having a husband and 2 daughters one of which still lives at home, to nothing. I feel bereft...I think that is the proper word. I want those of you who may think I'm heartless to understand that I cannot properly care for my Mom anymore. She's in a good place where they can support her needs and she is safe.
This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly.
Thanks to all of you who have given me words of support!
You are a loving caring daughter who is looking after the best for your mom. It was a brave thing to do. You have not abandoned her, you have given her a better life - look at it as if you were dropping a child off at college.
It may be helpful to have a few planned visits with her when her AL is having some event or craft or function and you can go to these with her. I find that doing things there will her force her to go out and be engaged with other people, which would be good for her, but also you must have tempered expectations that she may not do any of it when you're not there. My MIL eventually decided to never get out of bed again, even though she could, and now she physically can't. She's in LTC and really didn't need to be so soon. Such a shame because even with some dementia and memory loss she is a sweet and light-hearted person and the staff loves her.
I see no problem in giving her a call in the morning and maybe one in the evening so she doesn't feel abandoned. My answer to her coming home question would be determined where her Dementia is. Do you feel you can say "Mom, this is your new home. You have so much more to do here. People to eat dinner with. New friends. Activities and entertainment" or a little white lie as suggested.
Yes she needs time to adjust. When u start visits, don't stay long. The word "home should not be mentioned even saying "well I am heading home" My daughter always said to Mom she was going to work. Satisfied Mom. Let the aides do the work.
The phone. This was one of the first things my Mom forgot how to use. She never got the nack of a cell phone even the simplest ones. So having one in the AL was not even a consideration. If she had one, though, phone calls 10x a day would not have happened. I would have eventually just let them go to VM. Calling her back if the message was important.
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