My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

Scott, all of us here have parents that will not get better, not forever anyway. It happens to ALL of us. Do you not think the death or illness of a parent affects EVERYONE profoundly? You are not some unique special little snowflake that has more feelings than the rest of us. It's how one deals with the loss is your big problem. It's not your brother's problem or your mom's problem or anyone else's problem. It's your own internal obsession and inability to act rationally. You need to go to the ER and get checked into the hospital, today!

My mom has been in a wheelchair for 15 months since her legs quit working. She has severe osteoporosis and due to her refusal of physical therapy, she is now in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She is 78. I am 54.

You see, she refused to do PT (much like you are by refusing to get help with your mental illness) and made her life worse by stubbornly clinging to denial of her OWN problems.

It hurts me badly that she refused to deal with her issues as her quality of life could've been much better if she had accepted therapy and had done the hard work.

You need to get a handle on your own issues, not your mom's issues. You are harming yourself, much like my mom did to herself.

You're making excuses and blaming everyone else but the man in the mirror.

Mentally intact? I don't know, I really don't know. She can't stand. I only saw her in a wheelchair once.

I bought her a card.

She has not gotten better. That is all I know. Thats all my brother would tell me.

Scott, here are a few big companies in the NY area that do legal process outsourcing. Check the websites for job openings. I'm sure there are others. That DOESN'T MEAN you shouldn't be trying to get mental health housing; Emjo is right --- that should be your top priority. But you can start making a job search plan and at least make notes about the future possibilities.

You are welcome, Scott. Because you have no credit and need a place fast is the reason we are recommending you admit to mental illness and get help from the caseworker. It doesn't mean you have to stay there forever. Any port in a storm?

And yes, it's a great idea to go to a movie if you can find one with English subtitles. Otherwise, read a book. A thriller, something to laugh a little about and just kick back with. Have you read Michael Connelly's The Lincoln Lawyer? With your legal background you might enjoy it.

Also: when you answer an ad about a room, you don't need to tell them about your mother and the up-coming eviction. If they ask why you're moving, just say that the apartment you live in now is being sold and you need a new place as soon as possible.

Also: when your brother doesn't answer his cell phone that doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. I don't answer mine if I'm in a meeting, or talking to someone in person, or at the dinner table; it just isn't polite. All you have to do is leave a clear, short message.

I'm glad you realize you need to get out. I'm glad to hear you checked into another job at the airport. You're beginning to move off dead center. That's good.

You know, I have almost the same name as your mother. I'm Carol.

Dear Scott,

Please try to look at the positive things in this situation. I know you'll want to howl in disbelief when you read that, but just think.

First, yes, your mother had a severe stroke, but from what you say she's mentally intact, she hasn't lost her ability to communicate and she has enough physical strength at least to cooperate with caregivers in moving from bed to wheelchair, standing and pivoting, and so on. She isn't lying in a coma; she can tell her caregivers what she needs; she's STILL THERE. In that sense, Scott, her family is so lucky. She may end up like my friend Alice, who suffered a devastating stroke that left her unable to walk, dress herself, etc. until she died 20 years later, at 90+ years of age. BUT Alice still loved to go places (wheelchair, careful lifting, etc.), enjoyed dining out (she learned to eat comfortably with one good arm), watched sports on TV (she was a former golfer), told jokes and loved gossip, and (with help) put on her makeup, earrings and jewelry every day. She lived in a nursing home with 24 hour care. It wasn't the life she had expected but she made the most of it, and her family and paid caregivers helped her enjoy it right to the end. Your mother has lost a lot, but she hasn't lost everything. Your mother may never regain the physical abilities she lost in the stroke, but with therapy she will learn to use the abilities she has left to function in her new reality. Ideal? No. What we want for our parents and ourselves? No. But Scott, it could be much, much worse for your mother. You seem to think that her losses are the worst that can happen to a person. They aren't. Ask anyone here.

Here's another thing to think about: from what you tell us, your mother is getting good care, and will continue to get it. This involves decisions and paperwork: where she should live, how to finance her care, how to qualify her for Medicaid benefits in the future. There are lots of decisions to make, lots of choices to make, many, many calls to make, application forms
to fill out, hoops to jump through. Discussions with the realtor. Showing the apartment to potential buyers. Figuring out and paying the bills that your mother normally paid. In your grief, would you want to have to do all of that? Could you do it? People on this forum could tell you how stressful and complicated it can be. Whatever you feel about your brother, you must know that he will make sure she is cared for properly, he will dot the i's and cross the t's.

Now, about you. You love your mother. You want her to be in your life, and you in hers, and it's turning you into an emotional wreck. Of course you can't see her now. If she feels as if YOU need HER, how can she put herself first and concentrate on getting well. That's what she has to do now. That's all she should have to think about now. But right now everything with you is about YOUR needs, your grief, your despair and loneliness. Scott, baby, think: what a downer for your poor mother. She's a mother: she'll yearn to help you and suffer because she can't. It's better for her not to see what you're doing to yourself. But for the future --- all you have to do is get your own life in order. Do you really think your family will separate your mother from a healthy, emotionally stable son who loves her? Whom she loves? No. So start being that son, a step at a time. Things WILL get better.

Poor Scott, you probably feel we're all scolding you. Well, I guess we are. But try to understand that we do it because we care about you and we hope that some word we say, some pressure we put on you will help you move in the right direction.

Your goal should be to be well. If you're well, things will fall into place.

My brother told me early on that what I was making at the time 300 dollars per week, before they changed my "schedule" wasn't enough to live on. I even had thoughts about getting another job and went on an interview at another company at jfk.

I know what I said; we were very close. I don't know what else to say; I tried my brother again and left another message on his cell phone which he never answers. He always has to return calls on it.

Several people post on many different discussions. Emjo, don't know what that means, but thank you. I rememeber another poster telling me something.

Looking for a better job: I have applied. I don't have any references and no work history. No credit. Find a place to live: I have looked for rooms on craig's list, that's about it, and what do I tell them I don't know how long I'll have this job or how much I'll make? that my mother had a stroke and I need a place to live as my brother is selling the apartment? I did that for one and never heard back.

I don't know what else to add. I put her name, Carole Reisman, and the name of the place where she is, Trump Pavilion, on about 200 posts ago. Really a long time ago. She was badly affected by the stroke.

I would like to go out tonight and see a movie. I have such a bad hearing problem, even with the aids. Movies are completely impossible. I could go see if there is a subtitled movie. I am going crazy from being alone all the time. One of the posters was right. This is just chatting.

It's horrible what happened to my mother. I know I am repeating myself. So I will end there.

Scott,

"I don't want to spend my life without my mother. I never thought that this would happen"

Your mother is 78 and you are 48. I is not likely at all that she will be 108 when you are 78. You don't not want to, but a lot of us have to do things we don't want to. At some point we all have to go with life despite loosing a parent(s) and grandparents. That's life. I'm sure you never thought your mom would have a stroke and you would be kept from seeing her, but that is how things are right now. Also, think about it, at some point your mother will die and then you will have two dead parents who are no longer here on earth.

You have been given good advice and support. Now it is time to face the music and deal with what limited things you can do about your current situation like find a place to stay and look for a better job.

Yes it is sad. but you need to act on your own behalf anyway. Once you have a place you can be sad there, but at least you will have a roof over your head.

Scott if you think that denying everything and sitting home and doing nothing to help yourself your brother will relent and not evict you. Unless the way you have described your brother is not true he is going to evict you and probably very soon. Are you going to sit there and wait for the police to carry you out and sit you on the side walk? They have a job to do and won't care that you just want to talk to your mother.. You are obviously capable of getting to work and doing your job so you are certainly capable of going to a hospital and seeking help. I am begining to feel like an enabler.

It's so sad, going outside, to the drugstore across the street. Walking around here, along hillside avenue where this building is located. coming through the door half expecting my mother to be in the kitchen or watching tv.

Expecting her to walk through the door. Or call on the telephone. I've even called here on my cell phone. Just to hear her voice on the answering machine. It wasn't purchased that long ago. I never realized how tired she sounded.

Scott - -most people here are not your mother's age - they are younger. I am your mother's age and my mother, who I am caregiver for, is 102.

Regardless of our ages we are all pretty consistent in what we are saying to you. We are not unsympathetic to your feelings about your situation, but we do know that you need somewhere to live and help to find that.

In your question you asked for advice, and we have been giving it to you. To most, if not all of us, you are stuck in your feelings and need help to get your life together, to provide for yourself. That help involves both medication and counselling. If you don't follow through with taking your meds and going to counselling they will not do you any good, You have to persist with these for some time before you feel/see the benefits.

Yes, things are happening that you don't like and don't want, but no amount of talking about them is going to change what is. We all have been through situations that have been very stressful. My youngest son was killed aged 23. Did I want that? No! Did I like that? No! Did I continue with my life? Yes! I got medical and psychological help, and took a few months off, then returned to work. Does it still affect me? Yes, but my life goes on, Once my oldest son went through a very rough patch. What did he do? He checked himself into the local hospital.

The issue is not that you are going through a hard time. Yes, you are. All the people here are going through rough times too, or they would not be on this site. That's life.

The issue is how you are responding to it.

You need more help than you are getting now by going online and chatting with people. As others have said, whether you take help it or not, is your choice. Not your brother's choice, not your mother's choice, not your relatives' choice - your choice You are responsible for your situation by the choices you have made and are making. I am not saying your are responsible for your mother's stroke - not at all. I am saying you are responsible for finding yourself with very few resources and facing being homeless and out of contact with family.

Praying for you, Scott. If people here did not care they would not be posting.

Why can't you simply say at your next interview, "I was having a bad day when I was in before. I know that I have mental illness and that I need help." ? Hmm ... why can't you simply say that? What is keeping you from saying those simple sentences and getting help you are eligible for?

I am not doing what you said. i just have no one else to talk to. I haven't seen anyone on my mother's side of the family in 25 years, except for a big party they had a couple of weeks before my mother's stroke. Now I am thinking about her again and feeling sad. I have no one. No friends no family. I never wanted to go to any parties or gatherings or dinners with my mother to their houses. They invited me many times. Now I am thinking about things again and feeling very sad.

I had only been to the that clinic a couple of times before my mother's stroke. That's all. That I can't see my mother is very sad. She is my mother.

They are not particuarly helpful either.

And I never said that someone is driving me crazy. I said this situation is making me crazy.

It is almost 4 pm. I have done nothing all day. Sorry to bother you with these posts.

Also yes homeless shelters are not safe places. I truly wish I could talk with my mother about this. Now everyone will say things to me. And yes she is still very sick. We talked about everything.

And people have said that everyone here is a caregiver, and that most are my mother's age. That means that the people they are caring for must be extremely elderly.

And no I don't think I am expressing myself properly here. at least not expressing the situation properly. I don't want to spend my life without my mother. I never thought that this would happen. Thank you for all the replies.

You are in denial big time, friend Scott.

Whether your brother says your name or not has absolutely nothing to do with whether you are mentally ill.

All your obsessive badgering and harassing of your family members is evidence of mental illness. If you want to believe that your family or specifically your brother is driving you crazy, OK. Give it any reason you care to, but you are mentally ill.

Why can't you simply say at your next interview, "I was having a bad day when I was in before. I know that I have mental illness and that I need help." ? Hmm ... why can't you simply say that? What is keeping you from saying those simple sentences and getting help you are eligible for?

You keep saying you don't know what you should do. That is what you should d, for starters. When you know you have your housing issue resolved, then there are other things to deal with. One thing at a time. Tell them you are mentally ill and need help. It is the truth.

I know you are caregivers. I am sorry if you are annoyed by what I have been saying. My brother does not even say my name when I speak with him. It's very easy to sit here on the computer and think nothing bad is going to happen. Or go to this job.

I know the site is for caregivers. I don't even remember what brought me to it.

People are taken to hospital psych er's all the time for observation. Most can keep you for up to 72 hours. At which time a doctor has to decide if you are going to be admitted. For up to 15 days. Yes I know I was in the hospital. I really don't want to talk about that. I had so little interaction with a doctor. The second doctor who examined me, I don't want to go into it, but there was a fire bell just as he was talking to me and he never came back.

That should explain a lot. He doesn't even say my name. He just says hello can you hear me.

And the person who posted about outsourcing, yes I have done some of those things that you have mentioned.

I am sorry again for the long posts. I could not sleep the other night, and went to work without any sleep.

Nothing happens when I stop taking medication; that's just one of the things said that I am responding to. So many things. I really don't know what to say.

And no, I have said it before, my mother could call me if she wants, my brother is not preventing her from calling me, there is a phone in her room, she can use it or have someone help me. I just think that part of the reason she doesn't call has to do with my brother.

And maybe no one really understands because I am not explaining the situation right. that my brother doesn't even say my name should say a lot. He doesn't even say my name. Just one time, when we first went to the hospital and I called him and I purposely left out the name of the hospital because I wanted him to call me back.

Yes I am repeating myself. Yes I have. It is because I am frustrated. And I keep trying to get in touch with my mother. And I keep calling her sister who spoke to her last week. No she said she would not talk about me when she speaks to my mother next. This is really a crazy situation. The neighbor does not answer his phone. I go up to him when I see him and he says I am seeing her tomorrow. So I kept calling him.

No one remembers my saying many times that this situation is making me crazy. But I really think it is or has. As for the last post, I may have to go there anyway. I don't even remember what they said about the interview I had last week. I wasn't accepted, I don't remember the language that was used. I am not in denial about anything; I just said I am not sure. That's all I said. I said I wasn't sure.

Ok lots of responses. This is a lot for me. Leaving here and going somewhere I don't know where. My mother is very ill and collapsed about 15 feet away from where I am right now. She has not gotten better in 3 months time. Paralysis.

Thank you all for responding.

Scott, one source that I read said "About 30% of people who are chronically homeless have mental health conditions."

Another source that I read online painted a rather bleak picture.

Between 250,000 individuals with schizophrenia or manic-depressive illness are homeless among the 744,000 homeless population (total homeless population statistic based on data from a 2007 national dats).

· The homeless population, especially homeless persons with serious mental illness, has increased steadily since the 1970s. This is seen in all major cities but also in smaller cities and towns. For example, in Roanoke, Virginia, the homeless population increased 363 percent between 1987 and 2007, and “70 percent were receiving mental health treatment or had in the past.”

Living in shelters or on the streets is likely to be difficult, even for a person whose brain is working normally. For those with schizophrenia or manic-depressive illness, this kind of life is often a living hell.

In New York, 949 homeless men were interviewed regarding having been assaulted or injured. Twelve percent of the men were psychotic, and this group was significantly more likely than the nonpsychotic men to have been robbed, beaten, threatened with a weapon, or injured (concussion or limb fractures).

In New York, seriously mentally ill individuals living in homeless shelters are said to be “easy marks for thieves and other criminals who live there. . . . Those who receive social security disability checks become targets for muggers. . . . There is a hierarchy among the shelter clients, and the visibly mentally ill are the lowest caste, untouchables among the outcasts.”

There is evidence that those who are homeless and suffering from a psychiatric illness have a markedly elevated death rate from a variety of causes. This is not surprising since the homeless in general have a three times higher risk of death than the general population and severely ill individuals have a 2.4 times higher risk of death during any year.


Freezing to death during bitter weather is all-too-common among the homeless in general, but especially among those with schizophrenia and manic-depressive illness.

http://mentalillnesspolicy.org/consequences/homeless-mentally-ill.html

Your mother is totally dependent on Michael.
She has to co-operate with him.
If he feels it is bad for her to be bothered by you whining he will prevent you from seeing her.
He has that power you do not.
So grow up and stop wasting our time or if you can't do that do what the social worker wants and admit to mental illness.
If you go into a homeless shelter and carry on the way you have here someone will hit you for sure.
Do you know how many homeless are mentally ill?
Well I don't either but it is a large number. So what is the difference from being in mental health housing or a homeless shelter?
I will tell you.
In mental health houseing you will have a case worker who will make sure you are alright not push you out the door in all weathers first thing in the morning.
But have it your way and don't pay attention to us we are just a bunch of caregivers.
What do we know. Enjoy the shelter.

Scott, if you cannot face facts and admit you are mentally ill, then, yes, go to a homeless shelter. But I would rather see you take advantage of a benefit you are entitled to and accept housing reserved for the mentally ill. From the 200+ posts here I think we all want that for you.

You point to the fact that you were "only" hospitalized for extremely strange behavior twice in the last 18 months. Do you know how many times people who are not mentally ill are hospitalized in a psych ward? None! Zero!

It is like saying "I've only been in an ER for insulin shock twice in the last 18 months. I don't know whether I have diabetes."

Your behavior was so strange and so frightening to your mother that the police were involved. Since I am pretty sure that you would not do such things deliberately they are clear evidence that you are mentally ill. Mental illness can be treated and while following a treatment plan you may be able to function normally, but mental illness is not cured. You were mentally ill when you did those things and you still are.

The diabetes analogy is a good one. If I had to be treated for insulin shock I could recover, get back on the treatment plan, and live a pretty normal life. But I would still have diabetes. If someone asked me in an interview, "Do you think you have diabetes," the correct answer would NOT be "Well I've only been treated for insulin shock twice, so I don't know." It would clearly be, "Yes, I have diabetes. It is well-managed at the moment."

It is not shameful to have diabetes. It is not shameful to have mental illness. It is self-destructive to deny the obvious and not get the help one is entitled to.

How many college graduates who are not mentally ill wind up taking jobs at the absolute bottom of the barrel? Dang few!

How many adult men would live in a studio apartment with their mothers for seventeen years? Extremely few who are not mentally ill.

The evidence is all there. You can believe the evidence and tell the interviewer that you are mentally ill, or you can continue to deny the evidence and go into a homeless shelter.

Your choice.

Scott, Here's a thought for when you get your s*** together and look for a better job. Many law firms are outsourcing administrative services of all kinds --- copy services, word processing, coding, proofreading, binder marking, Bates numbering, etc., etc. --- to big companies who provide those services to multiple law firms. Heck, I think my own job is about to be outsourced! Do some research, because I know that some of these outsourcing companies are based in New York or have offices in New York. There might be some good job opportunities for you there, with your background.

Scott, one definition of mental illness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You cannot change the past. We here are not interested in whether or not your actions contributed to your mom's stroke, or whether your brother is treating you fairly. The FACTS are as follows:

Your mother is incapacitated by a stroke and cannot return to her apartment

Your brother, as POA, has a duty and obligation to liquidate your mother's assets for your mother's care.

Your brother is under no obligation to support you.

All else is commentary, as they say. Stop trying to change the past and get ready for the future. Your actions will speak volumes to your brother. So, pack, clean and get ready for the next phase of your life.

If I was in your shoes, I would seek re-admission to Glen Oaks and get stable. I'd cooperate with therapy. I'd take my meds.

I once voluntarily committed myself during a patch of suicidal depression. It was the best decision I ever made.

I wish you well.

Scott,

"I really don't know what to do." I think you do know what to do I also think that you understand cleary the advice people in this thread have given you about what to do.

What keeping you from doing is what you said, " I just keep putting off thinking about things. I've been doing that for a while now." Yes, you have been putting off thinking about things concerning your own future by researching about strokes, consttantly talking about your mother-her stroke-how much you miss her-how close you two are, and constantly writing about your brother who is in charge of her care-will not let you see her-and will evict you from the apartment soon. Yes, you have been doing this for a while, a long while-three months and one of those three right here with us. By constantly thinking about these external things which you can't change, you are escaping from your own reality and living in denial about taking care of you right now. Also, if you are not taking youir meds right now, that is another form of denial-a denial that you have a mental illness. What happened the last time you stopped taking your meds? Do you want that to happen again? Stop escaping from your own reality that you can do something about. Denying it and escaping from it is not going to change that it is what it is and you better dlo something about what is soon. When does your brother plan to evict you? Does he plan to on the first of the year?

Scott, It sounds as if you are doing your damnedest to end up on the street with nothing, nothing at all. Are you hoping that when that happens, your brother will relent and let you stay in your mother's apartment? It won't happen, it can't happen. She needs the money from the sale for her own future care. You can't take that away from her. Or are you trying to push things to the point that someone else can have you committed to a psychiatric facility, so that you don't have to take responsibility for it? Scott, for heaven's sake, save what you can of the things that matter to you. Okay, the apartment belongs to your mother, but no one is going to deny that your clothes, DVDs, computer, and so on belong to you. When you're evicted, they'll go into storage, but they'll be there for you when you have a place of your own afterwards. Start packing things neatly for storage. Are there any suitcases in the apartment? Cardboard boxes? If not, double wrap things in plastic trash bags. Wash, dry and fold your clothes neatly and put them in the bags. Gather your DVDs and CDs and then use Scotch tape to wrap them in small stacks of maybe 20 apiece, put the small stacks in a plastic bag and fold it around them like an envelope. Protect them for later. Do the same for your mother's clothes, accessories, personal possessions --- she'll need them at some point. Put them in a separate place and label them "Mother." Clean the apartment while you're at it, throw out junk, make it easier to sell for your mother's sake. It may seem overwhelming, but only so much stuff will fit into a studio apartment; you could probably get it done over the holiday weekend. If your brother sees that you're trying to cooperate he will feel more kindly toward you, although he will still need to sell the apartment for your mother's sake. If he feels kindly toward you, once he gets your mother's care squared away, maybe he'll be willing to help you get the treatment you need. He sounds like a man who knows how the system works. But you have to do your part! You just HAVE TO.

I read them too late. So I responded to them in the next post. Didn't see that there was another page. There is nothing i can do about being evicted. do you know how many craig's list room posts responded back to me when I said that my mother had a stroke and the apartment is being sold and I need to find a place to live? Do you think I want to live in mental health housing with the guy I ran into at the clinic the other day, who hit me when I was lying down on the bed?

I do read the posts. I just hit the email button and it took me to the first page of them. Also, to talk to the last post, I don't know that my brother is keeping me from seeing or contacting my mother, only that he has something to do with it. Also was saying that my mother didn't think too much of my talking to people on samaritans email and another site called 7 cups of tea. Maybe it is a little like talking to myself, maybe that's what she thought.

I have skipped over some emails in the past, choosing which ones I choose to read first. But how could I not read them all? How could I not? See, I just scanned up and read another one that I had missed. See, I am talking to myself, a little bit, at least.

If I did harass my mother I am sorry. And I don't think that's why she said she can't talk to me. In fact she did. She did talk to me one time. And told the neighbor she wanted to see me.

I really don't know what to do. I just keep putting off thinking about things. I've been doing that for a while now. Yes it does seem like I am talking to myself because all here seem to be of an opinion. Now I have to scroll up again. yes I repeat over and over. That is what my brother says before he hangs up. He won't let me see my mother and he is selling the apartment. Yes I keep saying that.

Blaming my brother for my problems? No. Several people had to go to a homeless shelter I think when I was in the hosptial last. Oh and the intake lady who said everything is going to be all right, no.

Scott, you are unraveling. You should go back to Glen Oaks and seek to be readmitted. Let them get you stabilized on meds so that you can function better.

"I can't even understand what is being said." You are a college graduate and write very well although you repeat yourself often.

Basically what has been said is

1. See your case worker.

2. Take your meds.

3. See your doctor.

4. Admit your mental illness.

5. Get registered for the mental health housing that is available.

6. Do get into this mental health housing before your brother evicts you from the appartment.

I don't know how to put his in any plainer english than I have.

This site is basically for people who are caring for their elderly parents or grandparents. We are glad you are here and are trying to help you.

Scott, you are obsessing over things that you cannot do anything about. You seem to be either in denial or disbelief about this. I've read much of what you have written and what people have been writing. However, you just keep repeating yourself as if you are talking with yourself and not reading what people are saying. Yes, you have been posting about the same thing for about a month.

You wrote that "No one here really understands my situation." Yes people do! We understand that your mother has had a terrible stroke and that you are very close to your mother as well as the fact that your brother is not allowing you to see her or talk with her on the phone. We also understand that you have a mental illness had have meds for your mental illness. We also understand that your brother is going to evict you from your mother's appartment soon. What you don't seem to understand is the posts people are saying in support of that delima, but also saying that there is nothing that you can do about that right now and that you must do something about where you are going to live soon because your brother is going to evict you. We also understand what you have shared about your past which is an entirely different subject. What have we missed about not understanding your current situation?

To put it even more bluntly, if you end up on the street homeless it will not be the fault of your mother having had a stroke and you not being allowed to see her or talk with her on the phone nor your brother's fault because of evicting you from your mom's appartment. Nope, it will be your fault for not taking responsibility for yourself and doing what you actually can do something about in this situation despite all that you cannot do anything about.

"

The reality of the situation is that you must focus on where you are going to live before your brother evicts you from your mother's appartment. You need to take this responsibility for your own life and future. I think that would make your mother proud of you that at 48 in this situation you are taking responsibility for yourself and taking care of where you are going to live.

I can't even understand what is being said. You need to do this, you need to do that. I know everyone here is trying to be helpful. My need bisect what? Plain English please. Us caregivers. I thought some people here were people who are receiving care, not giving it. I didn't know that everyone here was a caregiver. Sorry like I have been saying it has been a complete blur. Very good to talk to people though. Really good. I still don't know what I am going to say to the intake person. Do you think you have mental illness? Why can't I say I am not sure? Why isn't that an acceptable response? I was in the hospital twice in the last year and a half. The first time I don't even remember everything about that. I saw a guy at the clinic who I shared a room with when they first brought me there. I don't remember, I did some strange things. I don't remember the police picking me up. And the second doctor who examined me telling me I had done some strange things. Yes very strange things. That my mother had told about. I was thinking a lot of really weird things, I admit it. And whatever I did is in the past. And it was all in the papers that my brother took from the apartment days after my mother was in the hospital.

All the doctor last week wanted to know about was the last time I worked, and the time before that. She asks a couple of questions, then starts typing things into her computer.

The second doctor at the hospital, he is needed for the 2 doctor certificate. He told me something very strange. I don't even want to talk about it here. Very strange, and I am sure my brother read those documents very thoroughly, and even told the social worker.

Where do you work? What kind of job do you have? How is the job? What kind of company is it? No questions like these were asked by the doctor, actually a nurse practitioner. How many hours did you work? Just think about it. This job is a job for people who can't get a job at mcdonald's. Think about what kind of job it is. Really. It is a job for people who can't get a job at mcdonalds. This is the kind of company that it is.

That would be an excellent way to describe this company. A place for people who can't get a job at mcdonalds.

I went out tonight with my friend I previously talked about. I was desperate to get out. I also had him go with me into the nursing home. I was so embaressed, actually so scared to go in there.

I couldn't stay with him that long. I had to get back. I don't know why. I had to leave the bar. And took the subway back.

So that's a lot of posting. My free cell phone has run out of minutes and I don't know the pin. My brother came back to the apartment and took my mother's mail and must have taken the envelpe with the pin in it. It is actually my mother's, she applied for it. Do you know that she has never had a cell phone? It finally came after she had the stroke. I can always use someone else's cell phone. Or buy one when I have the chance.

I could talk more. This job is a million times worse than working at mcdonalds. and you have to be young and really fit. I really think so. The company is called fleetlogix. You don't even know if you are working one week to the next. they put up a sign on a door.

That's even more posting. Should I just go into a homeless shelter?