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I haven't read the other responses here, but I do see you had a discussion with your dad. I'd ask to check his bank and credit card statements and if anything isn't right, then you call the police and alert his bank and credit reporting agencies immediately.
No ethical caregiver should have a personal relationship with a client. Period. Full Stop.
I agree that a lawyer is needed.
You don't start a relationship with the husband of the wife you were hired to care for.
If the care giver was on the up and up she would have removed herself from moms care because of this relationship instead of behaving like a prostitute and getting paid to take care of mom and dad too.
As it is the daughters need to tell the care giving agency they want her removed from moms care and a new care giver put in her place.
You could not be more wrong. True that the caregiver should have not started up a romantic relationship with the client's husband. But it happens all the time.
The daughters need to mind their own business about their father's business.
It is not for them to pin a scarlet letter on this caregiver and report her to her agency which will result in her being fired.
That could very easily result in their father disowning them, changing the POA, and not allowing them to see their mother. This can happen too.
If the caregiver does good work and the wife with dementia gets along with her, there is no need to press things.
In my family, a "very highly recommended" privately hired caregiver took our relative for everything he had (he was an elderly bedbound -- and wealthy -- stroke victim). My cousin was this man's PoA and thought the caregiver was just a lovely person so didn't pay enough attention to what was going on. Predators know exactly what buttons to push on naive people to engage their trust. She literally even took his dog and disappeared.
Even though your Dad's tryst is now hopefully in the past, just the fact that this woman was nearly 20 years younger (red flag, sorry not sorry to anyone who thinks otherwise) and didn't respect a moral/ethical boundary while on the job would cause me to fire her in a nano minute. Many financial abusers of the elderly are very experienced predators but often it can be a crime of opportunity -- and your Dad is ripe for this scenario.
That being said, it's totally understandable that your Dad may be lonely so help him find healthy, safer outlets for this need. But he could also be losing his own sense of judgment due to the beginnings of dementia (which happens little by little). He is 79. It's totally possible.
I wish you success in managing their care, and peace in your heart that you're doing your very best.
This is messy. But I think seeking understanding and cooperation with your dad - even if that's the last thing you feel like doing - is the best first move. Can you discuss with him to find out how strong his feelings are for her and how serious he views this relationship? Can you tell him how you feel in terms of this being a "conflict of interest" without cussing him out? Tell him the CG must go, and you hope he understands why.
I feel for you.
*Ope. Just read the part about your planned discussion with your dad. I hope it went better than you expected.
Yes, dad has cheated before and mom chose to turn a blind eye. But this is not simply a mistress. This is someone charged with administering mom's meds and providing intimate care, I presume.
There is a non-zero chance of the caregiving neglecting or harming mom. There is also a non-zero chance that Dad's judgement is impaired and he's being snowed and fleeced by this woman.
That's what I'm seeing.
And then there was my uncle who married his wife’s live in CG two years after his wife passed. He was 83. She was 57.
They were married until he passed at 94. Very happily married. She has not remarried.
She has been a real blessing to my family.
I have no idea when their relationship began but she was a live in for several years before his first wife passed.
Secure anything that has any personal information in/on it.
If you think that your mom is at risk for being harmed by either your dad or any of the caregivers you remove her and place her in Assisted Living. (Memory Care if that would be more appropriate.)
How did you learn of this relationship?
Do you know how far it has progressed?
You can request that this caregiver be replaced by another.
If you are asked you can tell the agency what you have learned if you are 100% sure that this is happening. If there is any doubt at all then just say that "there is a personality conflict".
You can tell your dad that you are asking that this person be replaced and why.
"Thank you for your advise. We did dad. We had a conversation and he promised, he'll take care of it. We are giving him sometime and then check again. He knows what he is doing is wrong but more important, he knows, we'll intervine if we feel my mom is not well taking care of.
lary casey."
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