MIL wants to "go home." Is she just being manipulative?

If your MILs dementia is not too advanced, then I believe she can indeed be manipulative and throw a fit in order to get her way. If she's always been that way, then dementia just takes that behavioral trait and worsens it, that's all. Before my mother's dementia got to the advanced stage, she too exhibited manipulative behavioral traits and anyone says otherwise didn't know the woman! I can write a book for all the tricks she pulled while her dementia was in full force, just not when it was in the advanced stage where she was too 'out of it' to be cunning.

If this were me, I'd tell MIL that she has a choice: she can either go into respite care in a local Assisted Living Facility (ALF) when you and DH go to your cabin, or, she can come with you for the ENTIRE LENGTH of the trip. Period. And, she can finance her respite stay in the ALF as well, naturally. If she likes it there, you'll help her move in permanently when you get back from the cabin. AL living/Memory Care living is not some dungeon like others make it out to be; it's a social outlet and form of autonomy for your MIL who can throw fits to her heart's content over there if she doesn't get her way. Because there will be no outings to nice cabins for weekend getaways that her son & his wife are nice enough to take her along on. I don't know how or why you're doing this anyway. Are you not entitled to some alone time, you and DH, without mother tagging along? You need and deserve regular getaways when caring for an elder with dementia, that much is 100% CERTAIN!

Honestly, look into respite care in a local ALF or Memory Care ALF and offer MIL that option each and every time you go to the cabin.

Best of luck.

Your profile says that your MIL has dementia.

Folks with dementia do best with extreme consistency and sameness.

Given that your profile says that you and she NEVER got along, I'm wondering who thought her living with you was a good idea, and why anyone thought that you wouldn't have to completely change your lifestyle in order to accommodate her needs.

Can you re-think this plan?

With regard to being cold in 90 degree weather, my mom, when taken outside in 80-90 degree summer temps regularly wore her down parka and asked to be taken in after 15 minutes or so.

When she was able to control the thermostat, her room was like a sauna. Get her long underwear, a cap and warm socks, at least.

Have her stay with someone else, or respite care, no reason to take her. Why self-impose guilt on yourself? Guilt is a self-imposed emotion driven by fear, what are you afraid of? Not being the perfect DIL?

She has lived most of her life, doing as she wanted to, you need to consider doing this for yourself and your family, they are your priority, not her.

My mother is 97 and is the queen of manipulation, I am onto her though, no workie with me.

Older folk, especially with dementia want routine. And the same home.

Find a respite home for her to spend time in. Won't be every weekend - usually 2 - 4 week stints.

This may be the compromise; You visit the cabin less, but on your own, for a real break. Mom has a known regular place to go, with care included.

Could it be at the cabin, she is more secluded from visitors or outings?

Could definitely be that she just wants what she wants like a kid would do. Once she gets her way, she's happy as a clam? She is aware that pouting, throwing a fit will work. That's probably not dementia.

I would have a talk with her about how we all have to give a little to make the living arrangement work. She gets to be at home 3 out of 7 days of the week in the summer. And 5 out of 7 days in the winter. You want to keep her living with you and you want to be able to live. You don't plan to sell the cabin or not use it regularly - that part won't change.

Offer a plug in heating blanket to use in whatever room she happens to be sitting in while at the vacation home. Explain that you/hubs are reaching your retirement years and this cabin thing is what both of you want and will be continuing to enjoy. If she has enough money of her own to pay for 24/7 care while ya'll are gone, then tell her that is an option for her. Another option is to look at facility care if she would be more comfortable where she never had to do any outings. And the last option is to enjoy the cabin with you and hubs. Let her think on that a while. - Have a solution for any of her complaints prepared; cold? will bring blankets, etc.

Everybody can be manipulative. I suggest finding a respite care provider who can care for her in your home while you get a little "away time."

Let me ask you a few questions.

1.) Do you like your MIL, before her illness, throughout all the years you’ve been married to DH?

2.) Has she always treated you with love and respect?

3.) Has she always been nice or cordial with you throughout the years?

4.) Has she always spoken about you kindly to others?

If you answered no to one or more of these questions, I would find another living situation with her immediately.

I may be disgruntled because I have had a terrible relationship with my MIL upon meeting my DH 33 years ago. I wouldn’t even entertain taking care of her. I have a daughter from my first marriage, very young married at 22 and divorced by 28. I met my DH at 30, remarried at 33. My DH knows I would leave before ever letting MIL live with us. Never was and never will be an option.

Dementia makes people go back to their childhood years. She is not herself obviously. You know that. She can't help how she is acting... She thinks she's a child in certain situations. It's frustrating I know all too well.... Maybe you just can't take her and make arrangements if possible for someone to care for her she likes while you all enjoy that time. But I wouldn't use the words manipulative and cunning while having dementia. That disease does terrible things to a persons mind. There's nothing sane about the behavior. I hope you can find some way to enjoy your time away and get her proper care so she's comfortable. She's in a different place with different surroundings. That's unfortunately something that can happen with dementia. I hope you can find a way to keep her happy and you happy at the same time. Good Luck.

dilktgora: Yes, she is being manipulative; she suffers from dementia. Perhaps she would be better suited for managed care facility living as her dementia progresses.

When my Mom gets upset or feels threatened her MO/Defense has always been to Attack, Attack & Attack. Growing up she knew my 'BUTTONS' and pushed them anytime and every time. Just what she did. She'd say anything to you & did not care if it hurt my feelings or anyone else's for that matter. Just how her make-up delt with being threatened. It was always the same, the MO never ever changed. When the younger me realized this my first reaction was -- Oh crap, here it comes again.

I use to tell her, you think you know me. I know you, I've watched you get upset for 20/30/40/50 years Mom. Nothing ever changes. You react the same way ALWAYS. ------ Oh damn did she dislike someone actually knowing her MO. Of course, she'd never admit she knew I knew.
She really disliked it what I told her, what you do when you are mad is outright verbal abuse of your child. Her first reaction always: IT IS NOT.
My response always is -- Sorry, but it doesn't make any difference what you think my reaction to you should be this is what it's going to be so get use to it for my reaction to your crap ain't never changing.
______________ I GOT YOUR NUMBER.
Now this is hard on you folks that have never completely stood up to your parents and called a shovel a Spade. I'd tell her point blank..
Mom, you can stand there in total defiance all you want to and give me that 'LOOK' all you want to. I've seen it a 1000 times so understand it doesn't work on my any more. She loved to Mock my younger self. Use to get under my skin till I told her --- you know, if you realized how funny you look trying to mock me you'd stop. Your not very good at it. That was like pouring gas on a fire. But it was my only defense. Every time she did it to my younger self I wanted her to know my INSTANT REACTION was always going to be the same. Mom, you think you know my buttons. Darlin' I know your buttons and I'm going to push them every time you pull this crap. It's always going to be the same outcome. What you don't realize is when you start this crap you are invading my space. You do not have the right to deliberately invade my space and I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO SO. You pull this crap and my instant reaction is I'm going to attack and attack you right back & then I'm going to walk away regardless of what you do or say. So now you know what's always coming back at you so if you choose to go there count your blessings.
I was 15 when we had that come to Jesus meeting.

What some of you don't grasp is Dementia effects their short term memory. This is the part I truly dislike for I can't have a normal conversation with Mom and she remember it tomorrow or later in the day. Damn shame but it is what it is. But don't think for a second your parents LONG TERM MEMORY is effected by dementia. IT'S NOT. They remember quite well 20/30 years back and will try your patience. Try to push your buttons they remember worked for them before.
My reactions to what she does is instant. I do not give a cotton picking inch regardless of Mom's mental state today. She goes back to her old self/I go back for I know she hates it. She has no defense for my reactions. Is is cruel to do that to her. You damn Skippy it is. But she won't remember it tomorrow and it stops it today which keeps my sanity. I'm dealing with a 'child that is 99 years old'. I treat that child like the child she is I do not let her get away with anything. The old saying. Give an inch they will take a mile.
---------- Truer words were never spoken. I'm 71. I established my boundaries when I was 15. That line I will not let her cross then or now.
If you have not got the balls to set those boundaries for yourself toward your parents then live with the consequences of your actions.
----------------- FROM THE CHEAP SEATS.