By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Take care of yourself!
Carol
The poster who said this is in an entirely different situation, IMO. Caring for a spouse. A spouse is someone you choose, someone you make commitments to that are intended to be for life, and someone who hopefully would do the same for you if positions were reversed. I do believe in caring for one's spouse if he or she becomes disabled. I don't agree with any obligation to sacrifice yourself for someone you did not choose or make any mutual commitments to. That's not living up to your end of the bargain - it's out-and-out self-sacrifice. I don't believe you have any obligation to sacrifice the quality of your life for the quality of your mother's life, especially not for an indefinite period of time that will only end upon her death.
It's one thing to give up a week or two, maybe a month even, while looking for a placement for Mom. It's another thing to become the placement, indefinitely, when you already know you have neither the desire nor the willingness to do that.
I like freqflyer's idea of establishing boundaries in advance, but it wouldn't have worked for me and it still really doesn't. I had no idea how my mom was going to respond to getting help from her children. Greedy, demanding, entitled, always asking for one more thing than I would have done voluntarily. Responding to any resistance with hissy fits and guilt tripping. To this day, I can't get her to ask for help in a manner that sounds like an actual request and not a politely-phrased order. Those parent-child dynamics freqflyer mentioned - if she treats you like you're twelve years old, it almost doesn't matter how you respond - if you're anything like me you'll be furious no matter how you respond.
The likelihood is you'll also become furious with your siblings for not contributing, not calling you to offer support, going on their regular vacations instead of coming to relieve you with Mom for a week, etc.
Don't go into a situation knowing you'll be an unhappy caregiver. It's much harder to unwind one of these situations than to not step into it to begin with.
You use the phrase "take care of a loved one" as though it's a foregone conclusion that we love the person we're caring for, but in many cases that's questionable, or just not true. In my own case, I've proven beyond a doubt, both in my failed marriage and my caregiving history, that I'm simply incapable of loving in captivity. Being backed into a role and a set of expectations you don't want can turn a relationship sour very fast. And once the relationship is sour, the sense of imprisonment becomes all the more noxious.
Some people can make this work, and more power to them. I once read a story in which an elderly mom was lamenting the burden she was placing on her daughter, telling her daughter "I'm stealing your life!" In response to which the daughter lovingly assured her "No, Mom. This is my life."
I think that's lovely. But it's not my mother, and it's not me. I don't get the impression it's the OP either.
The level of calm that exists between you is based on the falsehood that you are happy with this situation. I'm going to mull that over for a while and come back to it. Would you like to do the same?
See All Answers