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I think feelings of loss and grief start start before death in these situations. I also think it is probably normal to have conflicting feelings. I look forward to hearing what others are going through.
Good luck my friend and know you are not alone.
My fears, suspiscions, and expections of what is to come next after the passing of my NPD mom . . .is yet to be seen.
I can tell you, after day two post death, I may need some serious therapy. Maybe not! but then again . .
I can tell you that the essence of resentment is creeping in.
If you're not drinking dont start. If you are drinking try not to over do things. If you're turning alcoholic and dont want to AA has free online groups that do zoom and Skype during the Pandemic.
If your city or county has free resources of any kind, even a chat mental health line, take it. Build a support network.
Many Catholic churches have grief ministries too, but once again, covid has shut down or curtailed a lot.
With covid 19 if it's safe in your area to get out into some kind of nature, go as much as you can. Find healthy ways of rewarding yourself for any good thing you do. God bless.
Her health is failing and when she passes away I have no clue how I financially will be able to move out all her hoarding crap. Every month she spends 4000.00 on warehouses and an art gallery full of paintings she owns, but refuses to let me step in and sell them. I have POA but she is still smart as a tack at 91 yrs old.
It's her way or the highway for me. She loves to tell me, if you don't like living here then move somewhere where you will be happy! Unfortunately I have no funds to move out or I would. I continue seeing my therapist for support, which only helps a little bit, but it's worth it since I suffer from panic attacks and need the meds for it. When she passes away I know there will be a big weight of relief from all the stress and guilt I deal with on a daily basis.
I will welcome the feeling of knowing what freedom looks and feels like. And knowing how it feels to breathe deeply again. And to feel relaxed. To me, that's what recovery will be all about.