Is it too often to call my grandpa daily in a nursing home?

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Is it too often to call my grandpa daily in a nursing home?

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He was recently placed in a care home during this whole Covid pandemic after a fall and a stint in the hospital. He had a cell phone with him that we could call him on so although it was difficult not being able to see him, we could still talk to him. The care home have misplaced 2 of his phone chargers now that we've brought in and so I've started to call the care home instead to speak to him. They do have a phone booth specifically for calls with the residents or sometimes a portable phone.

I've just been told by a nurse today I can't call him every day and that most families don't do this. He has dementia and also doesn't speak much English (hardly at all) and so doesn't really communicate with the staff or the residents. They already confirmed they don't have staff there that speak his language.

I understand it's not the staff's job to bring him the phone or wheel him to the booth every time but I got a bit upset as I feel if we don't call him, he won't have anyone to speak to all day and with his dementia, I don't think it will help. He already doesn't understand this pandemic and the fact we can't see him at all. I also can relay information to the nurses like the one time he said he was in pain and felt a bit unwell. He can't tell the nurses this.

Am I overreacting? I just don't know if I should limit my calls now as I've annoyed them but then I don't want to leave my grandpa alone. I'm sure it will be better once visits are allowed again but I feel it's difficult in the meantime as we are all a very close family. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

(Sorry for the lengthy post).

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Coronavirus

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Hello Staceya,

I hope you are well, and that you are staying healthy during these trying times. We have been going through something similar with my mother. My mother had a fall and was hospitalized due to it, and because of her overall health. After a few weeks, she was moved to a care home that was not allowing visitors due to Covid. We would call her every day, but her phone would run out of battery, and the nurses had more pressing issues to tend to, but we still called them every day, to talk to her.

Especially regarding language issues, it is important for your grandfather to feel at home by hearing someone speak to him in a language he understands. I understand that nurses are understaffed, under-appreciated often, and underpaid indeed, however, I do not think you should feel bad for wanting to talk to grandpa daily. The emotional reward he gets from hearing a familiar language, and perhaps sometimes a familiar voice is a vital part of his life quality.

YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING! If you feel that grandpa benefits from the daily calls, try to talk to the people at the facility again? Maybe you can set up a particular time you can call where they would be better equipped to receive your call and facilitate the conversation?

I wish I had better advice, but we just kept at it, kept calling and insisted on taking care of my mothers emotional wellness through daily contact. These are strange times, and I hope that you get to some form of compromise with the care facility to where grandpa gets heard, and you get to communicate with him regularly.

Sending healing energy to grandpa, and strength to you.
You got this!

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Sorry to hear about your mother.

Thank you for your kind words. We will try and contact the staff again to see if there is any way we can find a compromise.

Wishing you and your family all the best!

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Who is in charge of your grandpa's care? You or another family member?

Whichever person it is should make a formal request to the care home that a daily phone call is included in your grandfather's care plan. For example, in his lunchtime routine it could say "accompany Mr X to the booth and support him to call family."

It will be easier for the staff to do this as a routine task requiring a known length of time than for them to run and get him when you ring up.

You have not done anything wrong. The annoyance of the person who told you not to call so often was understandable - they're almost always overstretched - but not appropriate. If she has an issue with frequency of phone calls she should bring it up with her supervisor, and if it's really a problem the home's managers could ask all residents' families to limit their use of the phone booth.

The home has a duty to your grandfather to support his relationships with his family, and at the moment that's going to make telephone communication all the more important. Of COURSE we all have to make allowances for these terribly difficult times and be considerate, but that doesn't mean it's okay that they've failed to assist him with his cellphone and are now being snippy about calls to the booth. It is for THEM to sort this one out.

And actually.... yeah, it IS the staff's job to bring him the phone or wheel him to the booth! And what have they done about his chargers' going missing? [Misplaced, my foot. How do you misplace something that stays plugged into the wall socket?]

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That sounds like a good plan and will ask my dad to bring that up with the staff as he's the main carer. Hopefully they will be amenable to this.

They tried to look for the chargers. They mentioned after the second time it may have ended up mixed in with laundry but I didn't understand that because as you mentioned, it should've been plugged in. And my grandpa wouldn't unplug the charger from the socket, he only disconnects it from the phone.

Thanks for the advice, that was really helpful!

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Any chance that you can send another charging cord with a large tag with grandpa's name on it?

I would speak to the director of the facility about the fact that these cords are going missing. Does grandpa know how to plug his phone in? Can you get him a simple charging pad or dock?

I don't think wanting to speak to him every day is at all unusual, given the circumstances.

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Unfortunately, no amount of marking will stop people "borrowing" chargers!

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You have every right to check on your grandpa, but first thing I would do is discuss it with whoever is his POA in your family. The director of the hospital needs to be informed of this. They need to make a special effort for our elders, they can't see their loved ones physically, but they can at least try to make it better by helping them keep in touch with family. I know if I was in your shoes that is what I would do. Don't worry about bothering them, it is in the best interest of your dear grandpa. You are doing the right thing by showing you care. My brother was in the hospital recently for about 3 months, I called at least twice a day, once to his nurse and once to my brother directly. One day my brother was upset about his care and not doing well, I immediately asked to speak to the nurse on duty, no return phone call after a few hours and then I called the director. I got a call back from the nurse within a minute after the phone call to the director. No problems after that. We have to be advocates for our dear loved ones.

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Thank you, I feel better about it when you put it that way--that we're doing it for him and it's in his best interest. I really don't want to bother the nurses if I don't have to--it just ended up being this way once the chargers were gone. I don't want to make the nurses happy (not happy but just save them from having to do this task) at the expense of my grandpa.

I will see if a schedule can be set up but if not, will speak to someone higher up for some help.

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One of the worst emotions someone living in a care facility experiences is loneliness. I can imagine the loneliness your gpa feels. He's in a strange facility where he knows no one and no one speaks his language. You might suggest that someone in the facility learn to speak his language or you be allowed to call him daily. It might seem facetious, but that's what I would tell them. Most families don't call daily, according to the staff, because their LO can communicate with others in the facility... your gpa can't.

Does he have a dresser or other furniture in his room? You may want to somehow permanently attach another charger to that furniture, maybe with screws. He may not be able to tell you, but I'm sure he enjoys your calls. Keep it up.

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That's true. That is one of the reasons why we call him. We probably wouldn't be as worried or call every day if we knew he had someone else to converse with in there.

He does have a desk and dresser I think. We haven't actually been in the facility since he was placed there but we could think of doing something like that!

Thanks for your input!

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We bought my mom a Facebook Portal so we can video chat. Even with her demetia, so far at least she shas been able to answer. If he can still operate a phone ( my mom cant, plus she would also store chargers in weird places, and I couldnt go in and find them) they should be ok. It looks like a digital photo frame when not in use, and would just stay plugged in all the time. Its nice because you can also see their condition also.

I just set up a Facebook account for her for that purpose only and added friends and family only. I added a photo album to that account so that a slideshow of pics displays while not using it for talking. Occassionally she does unplug it, but we just call and an aide will plug it back in. That would be less work than wheeling him to a phone booth.

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I will look into that. We had to get him a flip phone as he felt it was easier to use. He wasn't great with the touchscreen as he felt his fingers were too clumsy but if it is straightforward to use, that might be helpful especially if it displays photos as a background!

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Who are they to tell you how often you can call your Grandpa. Hell no!! That made me mad, so no you are not overreacting. I agree with other post and would contact the administrator about phone charges and what you were told. During this stressful time your Grandpa needs that familiar voice of assurance.

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You’re very sweet to be calling and checking on your grandpa. It’s exactly what you should be doing and an alarm bell about the nursing home that they would discourage you. It’s well known that residents with involved family do better in care, and are also better cared for. I’d keep calling and also look into another placement for grandpa, one that appreciates family involvement. This does exist, we had it for my mother. I’m glad you care

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ABSOLUTELY call your grandpa as often as you want! Do t allow a nurse to dictate how often you communicate with a loved one during a pandemic who doesn’t speak English! I’d go a step further and report the nurse go a supervisor, or contact a social worker to let them know what you were told. Ask for clarification about the rules for communicating. It does not matter what “other people” do!!! My father was in a dementia unit for 10 weeks prior to passing away, and I was there every day, sometimes twice a day, to visit him.
Heres an idea for the phone charger: get a long piece of wood and fasten the charger wire to it. Keep it plugged into the outlet and make sure the charging port/phone is resting on a night table. Paint or write his name and room# on the wood. It’s less likely to disappear if it’s cumbersome to move around, and it will be more like a “house phone”
And please, call grandpa as much as you want... and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can’t! I’d give anything to be able to talk to my dad again, but unfortunately, he died in February.

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California law says nursing homes must provide residents with a phone for phone calls.
I don't know where you are but I suggest contacting an ombudsman about this.

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That is interesting to know. I have an aunt in memory care who has a cell phone, but because if dementia doesn't remember to charge it. If you call the desk, they tell you to call her phone. I'm going to check in to the requirement for a phone.

If a landline is required for the room, it would never need a charge and would be so much easier. As her mind regresses and she can no longer remember how to use the cell phone, picking up a receiver on a landline should be much easier.

Is it too often to call my grandpa daily in a nursing home?

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