Hello, is it possible to hire in home care without being my mom's conservator or having POA over her, to bathe her at least 2x a week?

Even as my dad's guardian, I was unable to get him to bathe, even with help of a caregiver. Around and around we went for YEARS. Almost a year ago, he moved to memory care. The change has been amazing. They wrote out a bathing schedule. They show him his schedule on the calendar. They remind him the day before that tomorrow is his bath time at 9 am. They remind him the morning of his bath time. Maybe because his dementia has worsened is why this is better? All I know is that when he moved there, he quit fighting about it because they know how to deal with dementia behaviors. Actually for him, having a daily schedule has worked out well. They write out his daily schedule every morning on a small piece of paper or recipe card and he keeps it in his pocket. He always shows it to me when I go visit. I think he sort of feels like he still has some control and that he helps participate in what he does each day.

Your mom doesn't want to bathe b/c she has dementia/ALZ and that's a very common situation. She's probably afraid of the shower; she may fear falling, the water itself, the shower being unsafe; who knows what all is bothering her? The key is to learn HOW to bathe a demented elder, how to soothe their fear and get to the root of what it is that they're fearful OF so you can fix it. My mother it was slipping, so water shoes from Amazon fixed that problem entirely. For some, a hand held shower head is the answer. Teepa Snow has some awesome videos on YouTube on this very subject, and how to use a hand -under- hand technique the elder finds comforting. Anyway, you may not be the one to actually take on this function, I understand that, but you should understand why your mother doesn't want to bathe; it's part & parcel of dementia.

Like the others have said, sure, you can hire a carer to come in to bathe mom, but mom can kick her out. Nobody can force anybody else to do something they don't want to do in the first place. That said, you need to hire someone who KNOWS how to bathe someone with dementia; someone with experience in this very arena. Someone who will get to know your mother, earn her trust, and THEN bathe her. Someone who understands dementia and how to bathe an elder suffering from the affliction.

Who knows how much it costs? You'd have to call around and find out the answer to that question yourself, along with what the minimum hours the person would need to come into the home would be. Nobody will come in for a half an hour to bathe mom and then leave; there's a minimum of 4 hours usually, which would give the CG a chance to get to know your mom FIRST. Then go from there. So mom would have to agree to have a CG in the first place, and then she'd have to be paid for the minimum stay each time.

You say your mother has no short term memory but remembers certain things, etc.. Dementia is not a linear thing; she'll have certain deficits and certain areas where she appears perfectly normal. Your mother is showing her deficits in the area of bathing and not realizing she smells or is wearing dirty clothes; that is classic. Is she of 'sound mind' enough to kick someone out of her house? Yeah, probably. She'll have to AGREE to have a carer come in to help her in the first place, that's the key. Maybe you can get BOTH of them to agree to a 'housekeeper' type of person who can segue INTO helping them with more & more ADLs as time goes on. That's my suggestion. Someone who can help with cooking/cleaning/bed linen changes and THEN laundry and showers, etc. She can gently lead into more and more as time goes on.

The other thing you MAY get her to agree to is using large body wipes instead of getting in the shower. It's not great but it's better than nothing. It's a start. But first try to figure out if she has a fear OF the shower and what it is. If you can get that info sorted out, you can fix it. If your dad is also against showering, he may also be going down the dementia highway. You'll really have your hands full with BOTH of them, then. UGH.

But yes, you can hire people to come into help your folks, but you need their permission b/c they'll be paying the CG. And they'll need to accept their help in the first place, THAT is the obstacle to overcome.

So sorry you are facing this situation. Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to this dilemma.

You can call agencies and try.

One thing I would encourage, step back and refuse to be a ride without showers. She gets to make choices for herself and that applies equally to you and what you do. I don't want my vehicle to smell terrible, so I am not giving rides to anyone that stinks, sorry, not sorry.

Do your parents have a shower chair? It the bathroom set up for ease of showering? Like a hand held shower head, no slip insert, good lighting?

Fear if falling could be a reason that neither of them are bathing, so creating a super safe environment goes a long ways in getting baths done.

Do either of them do sailor baths? You know, wash the stinkiest parts with soap, water, wash cloth?

Best of luck, this is a difficult challenge for you.

She can refuse to bathe even if that’s what the aide is hired to do.

Do Mom & Dad live together?
Coz, if so, this is really time for Dad to be in charge... Is he overwhelmed? In denial?

In theory, yes, I suppose you could arrange (& pay from your own pocket) an aide 2 X week. It may be worth trying, just to see the results - these are just my guesses based on my own experiences & reported experience.

1. Mom loves the attention of an aide & is willingly submits to being assisted to shower/sponge at sink. Possible? Instant win.

2. Refusal continues with aide BUT with some time, she agrees. Aides can coax but not force. Often aides do get better results than family, especially for folk who can showtime. Their pride to not allow family to help melts somewhat as they wish to be a 'good patient' for someone in uniform. Possible? Slow win.

3. Refusal continues for aide.

Now IF successful, who will pay long-term home help? Have you just started a precident to fund their lives? Have you just entered a contract of sorts to keep them propped up in their home? Is this a slippery slope you want to be on?

Or will you be the starter, then Dad takes over the cost?

Either Dad says, yes, I see the value. *Job done*

Or Dad balks at cost & back to square 1.

I have been in a similar boat & can tell you more & how we got things to float better, but trying to gauge first exactly how fast your folks are sinking.

Tell her there needs to be a shower when she goes to the doctor's next. If not, the doctor will be able to observe that no matter how much she tries to showtime.

Your mom has dementia.
Bathing or showering is the least of the problems I see right now.
Who makes decisions for her?
Who pays her bills?
You or someone responsible should be appointed Guardian so that decisions can be made if and when needed.
Now that that is out of the way...
For the time being you should assume the role of Guardian at least in the respect of her ADL's.
Yes you can hire someone. (eventually, if you are appointed Guardian you can reimburse yourself for the expenses. Or if you have been paying bills this would come out of her account. You do need to keep meticulous records and save EVERY receipt that indicates an expense that has been spent on her care. This includes Food, Clothing, household expenses....)

If you are not up the the role of full time caregiver this can get daunting very fast. It might be time to look into Memory Care for mom.

If she's of sound mind, then she can toss anyone out of her house that she likes.

If she's not of sound mind and no one has POA -- and I'm not sure you'd be the right one to have it anyway because it's not some magic pill that creates cooperation from a cranky person -- then you should probably call Adult Protective Services to have the state take over her care.