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Did your mother tend to be on the narcissistic side before this -- everything measured by how it affects her?
I am so sad for you. In a way, you have lost both parents ... neither one is the person who raised you. I hope you are continuing to visit your dad.
Curious, was Mom overbearing prior to your Dad getting dementia? Was this the norm in the household? Could be one reason your Dad looks forward to your visits, Mom is just being Mom behind closed doors.
I don't know if this would help or not. Ask Mom what if the tables were turned and it was her living in Assisted Living. How would she like it if your Dad came in and was verbally abusive to her, etc.? Maybe then Mom might finally open up with her feelings why she is so heartless to your Dad.
Has she always been so self-centered?
Have you told her that she isn't the Mom you've always known and you refuse to visit her?
Has she considered joining a support group for spouses?
I work in real estate and have offered to find her a more suitable place to live and I have assured her that I will handle the sale of her home and surplus belongings but she refuses to move. She and I have attended an Alz. support group but she says its worthless. I have pretty much taken over managing my dad's well being at the ALF. I do visit him 2-3 times per week. In the current situation, she is my bigger problem :(
BTW my mom decided at age 70 that she was "too old" to do anything and would prefer to be dead. At age 69 she and I used to run 5 miles together on Sundays. Now she can barely walk. Yes I believe she has a screw loose somewhere but not dementia. I am starting to think she is mentally ill and maybe my dad had been able to keep it under wraps. Somewhere along the way things went off the rails after I moved out in the late 1980s. Honestly I feel that he absorbed a lot of negativity over the years which hastened his decline into dementia.
Thank you all for your wonderful responses!!!! As an only child I have really no one to bounce this off of. My hubby is weary of the situation, which I can understand.
Was mom a perfectionist? Sounds like if her world isn't perfect, she doesn't want to live in it. That's really sad, but I would agree that some level of mental illness is probably involved with her. I'm so sorry for you and your dad. It's got to be tough for both of you.
But when it comes to your mother, and her attitude to your father and to others, and how it must all make you feel, I just don't know what's saddest. She sounds so *angry*. What can you do but just stand by?
Visit Dad on his own so you can enjoy each other. There will come a time when he does not recognise you.
Of course mom is angry and blames Dad and the only thing she can do is be nasty and abusive to punish him, the satff are just an extension of this as you are too. She was the pricess who had everything provided and now she is the kitchen maid with bills to pay she can't afford. Any money they had is being eaten up each month by Dad's care and if he is or will be on Medicare she will loose most of any savings they currently have. dad is beyond realizing the effect this has on her.
Your job is to make sure she is paying her bills and not running up credit card debt. other than that if she is healthy and capable she can take care of her own problems.
Your #1 care is to protect your marriage. You say your husband is weary of this. Don't burden him this is not his circus and he has rights in your life too.
venting here is very helpful and if people get tired of your posts they don't have to read themand no one is personally affected because it is anonymous but not unfriendly. People here do care about others and there is vast experience to count on. if this is not enough consider talking to trained professional. An older woman would be a good choice as long as you like her. If you don't mesh after the initial visit you don't have to see her again. just keep looking till you find someone you really trust.
I am guessing you are in your forties so you you have a lot of life to keep living. Make your decisions on what is best for you not to satisfy mom. i am not saying throw Mom under the bus but don't give in to bad behavior.
My stepdad did a wonderful job taking care of Mom, their finances, etc. He set up all the right paperwork so that when he passed away, as much as possible was set in place for me to become Mom's main caregiver.
She lived with us for six weeks. I was with her 24/7 for about two months total and I was a WRECK. Somedays I could barely get through the day, I was on anxiety meds, quit eating, Mom took priority and my family suffered. Thankfully it didn't take me long to realize that situation wasn't sustainable and we had the means (thanks again to my Stepdad) to place Mom in a Memory Care home.
I am so sorry your Mom is creating such an issue, but she sounds like she's used to someone taking care of her, of the unpleasant stuff, and she's kind of throwing a big hissy fit like a toddler might. I would be inclined to ignore as much of it as you can, but also see if there is a way to get POA to protect their assets etc. in case she really goes off the deep end and fritters away what's left.
You are the adult now. My Mom has even said to me before, "you are such a good Mom to me." because that's kind of how it feels to both of us sometimes. In her more lucid moments (Mom has Alzheimer's) she knows I am taking care of her, even if it's not the day to day moments in life, I am making sure she is taken care of, and she knows it.
I think some of your mom’s anger is that, to her, your dad was always her ‘security’ and he is now helpless himself. This wasn’t how things were supposed to end up! Also, I’ve noticed in my mom, when dementia descended upon her, it had to be someone’s fault and my dad was right there, so he caught a lot of anger from her.
Of course you’re assuming your mom doesn’t have dementia but she might have a mild case herself.
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