By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
When our parents was growing up it was often assumed children would care for them when they got old. The children, particularly the daughters, owed it to them. Why, I don't know. The thing now is that caregiving can go on more than 10 years and totally rob the caregiving child of her own retirement.
Does a child owe their parent this significant chunk of their own life? Of course not. But you can't convince the parent of this, because the parent is focused on their own comfort and security. It is not really that they want to save the money for the grandchildren. They don't want to leave their home and change their lives. If there are many grandchildren, the amount of money divided up wouldn't amount to much unless the elder was very wealthy.
I do think that now life is longer that children should help to make sure the parent is safe in a good community. 3% of adults live to 100 now, so when we think of caregiving we have to consider the number of years. I've been with my mother 8 years -- 12.5% of my life as a caregiver and counting. Personally I can't imagine how a parent would ever ask this of a child.
This was long before I knew about these forums here, and that I could set boundaries. What I was doing was enabling my parents to keep up their life style while I had to change mine. Thus, I did start to cut back on what I was doing as I was employed full-time, and getting up in age myself. My parents still viewed me as the "kid", someone with a lot of energy.... nope that ship sailed a few years ago.
My daughter has an elderly man as her neighbor. He lost his wife 3 years ago. His kids have been beyond amazing. One is there everyday for several hours, and he doesn't go a single day without hearing from or seeing each child (they're all in their 60's, but still). He actually gets a little tired from constant outings and stuff, but is too sweet to tell them he's wearing out (he's 91). They have maintained that for the 3 years and it is going well.
They are NOT the rule--more, I see one person handling ALL of the problems of an aging parent. And the anger and resentment that comes. My own family is fractured beyond repair, as 3 of my sibs are MIA & want nothing to do with mother's care. Initially, it was to be split up so no one got overwhelmed.
I think it IS our responsibility to make sure our elders are safe, cared for and in comfortable surroundings. I do NOT think it's our job to run and fetch and wear ourselves out for their comfort. A fine line and only you can answer as to what is right for your family member.
I don't think it's fair to EXPECT our children to care for us in our old age, especially when we can afford to pay for it. Bringing dinner one night a week is nice. Spending weekends for who knows how many years is more than I would agree to. Maybe occasionally but not on an expected schedule. How many siblings are there? Chances are, even if they begin this schedule they'll start to realize how difficult it is and how much time it takes away from their families. Especially as the father's needs increase.
The good news is that your husband is looking at this as HIS responsibility to look after his father and not as YOUR responsibility to take care of him.
Good luck with this!
If parent has the means to hire in care and assistance -- then they should do so. Unfortunately, I don't think parents understand today's world and how busy families are with their own children, work, and often being long distance and not living nearby or in same household with elder.
If you continue to provide these "prop ups" by someone living with FIL, providing meals, and stayovers -- they won't ever get hired help and as they age, it just gets worse and more skilled care is required.
Have a family meeting and decide what everyone is willing and wants to do. Fill in the gaps with references & costs for hired in help (grocery shopping, cleaning, meal prep, monitoring dad). Take the plan to dad and discuss with dad. Tell him the family can no longer continue as they have and hired help will start X day for 4 hours daily or whatever you decide. Stick with the plan whether dad tries to fire them or not.
Tell him if he isn't open to part time help, then the next step is assisted living at X dollars. Explain to him that this is how family wants him to invest his money; not saving for grandchildren or tell him he can gift $1000/child annually if he likes while he spends his own money on his own care.
I find this comment interesting... What about the non-caregiving spouse giving their best to their spouse?
I do not fill "obligated" to care for my mom... It is love and respect that drives me to care for her. I am blessed with a husband that totally supports this. We cared for his father, in our home, over 20 years ago when he had congestive heart failure. We care for his mother too although at this time she doesn't require the level of help my mom does. I have 5 adult children and am blessed that they help out too, with the support and understanding of their spouses. It is not expected of them, they simply volunteer when they see a need. That is what family is all about.
The quote I remember is, " one mother can care for 10 children, but 10 children can't care for one mother." I think that is a sad statement.
If you had a mommie or/or daddy dearest, ruined you life and theirs, walk away and don't look back.
Decent parents are at least owed supervision and management of elder care. And of course there's a wide spectrum of cases in between horrible and wonderful parents.
My folks drive me nuts with the inheritance argument. They're stuck in a 1950s mindset and can't imagine that basic facility care can be 5 or 6 K per month. They have this idea that they're just going to die peacefully during Judge Judy someday in the far, distant future.
So meanwhile they refuse in home help and won't hear of moving to assisted living. I do what I can, take care of finances etc., but I'm not going to enable their fantasy of no outside help by running myself ragged and sacrificing my life.
I remember very well many years ago when mom and dad moved my grandmother in. One week did em in. Off to the nursing home she went.
When a person is caregiving in the home, but vents something bad about her parent, it is, "You need to be more respectful of your parent. Honor thy father and thy mother."
Then if the parent is abusing the caregiving child, it is, "It is just they don't feel good. They're old and you need to learn about caregiving older people."
Then finally you get sick and it is, "I don't know why you didn't put them in a nursing home."
This is all written halfway as a joke, but we do hear these things A LOT. I've really come to believe that you can't please anyone but yourself. When it comes to caregiving, almost no one is going to be hapyy with you. None of the above statements really bother me. I still do choke on the "You owe them because they changed your diaper" statement. That is the dumbest statement on record.
See All Answers