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You are not annoying anyone. People here just think its better to help you move on rather than discussing details of something that can't be changed anyway.
Please don't leave us....my advice is maybe not even advice so much as just my feelings of what I have gone through, what I am going through, colored by my own perceptions of what I believe when we leave this life. Be kind to yourself...I don't believe any of us are alone when we pass...I think if we knew how very surrounded by total love and comfort we are then maybe we wouldn't fear death so much...At least that is what Mama has always told me...And Mama is always right.. :) (((hugs)))
Either way. yes or no, what good would it do you to have an answer?
No good. The answer is that it would do you no good at all and there's nothing you can do to change it. The answer to that question is irrelevant to you and your life.
My father died of his 4th heart attack when I was 15. I was devastated.
I'm 43 now, and I still miss him more than I can tell you. He has now been gone longer than I actually knew him.
By perseverating on details like this, you are only keeping yourself stuck, reliving the pain over & over & over like it's going to have some other outcome one time. It won't bring him back to relive the trauma. Stop putting yourself through the trauma over & over.
You need to see someone about this. Everyone grieves their own way and it takes time. You don't get over it, but you stop torturing yourself with its intricacies and nuances. You have to train your brain not to do this and not to have these thought patterns. It takes purpose, effort, and work.
But you have to do it or you will become lost in that pit of despair and grief and miss your own life.
If you don't think you need to live your own life, then that's another reason to talk to a grief counsellor.
Tell us about your mother and why she's driving you nuts? What's going on with her? Does she live with you?
I'm sure we'd all agree we only wish to offer you supportive help.
I hope he finds peace within himself.
It concerns me, though, that this is the thought that is uppermost in your mind. Are you having particular difficulty coming to terms with your father's passing? Be comforted. It does take a long time to adjust, and you should be as kind to yourself as you can about it.
My Dad had a heart attack and he said all he felt was his chest becoming very tight. He was doing volunteer work at a hospital when it happened, so he got very quick response. Don't know if he would have had pain if he had to wait for help.