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Each person in a family has their own thoughts on being a caregiver and their own lives to lead.
Of course, in an ideal world the caregiver duties would be shared but it isn’t always possible.
Can you share a bit more about your situation?
This picture in these times is changing a little, if still much too slowly. My advice is, always: decide what you can handle, let Mom & family know “ here is what I can do.” The rest must be paid for by all ( or Mom if she’d can afford it) or done by them or outside caregivers.
I visited 3 or 4 times a week, bought everything she needed whenever I could, celebrated holidays with her, dealt with her care staff, made the decisions about her care, became her designated SS payee, and paid all of her other bills.
We were “equal” POAs, and will receive equal amounts from her estate.
I did this because I loved her, and because in the last 2 weeks before she died, I told her I loved her and she summoned up the strength to respond “I love you too”. (The last words she ever uttered).
Fair? I think so. “Caregiver” will get money. I got much MUCH MORE.
What do you want to know about it?
When they moved in a lot changed. He stopped doing anything for himself and became dependent on them for nearly everything. As a result their temporary stay turned permanent (unless things line up to move him to a skilled nursing facility)
As far as caregiving goes, as I mentioned they do most of the day to day by virtue of living with him. We are about an hour away. We assist with any appointments (because he is now a two person transfer), are the "interventionists" as far as warfare negotiations (long story), technical support, issue fixers, problem solvers, scam de-escalators, and back up care if they can't be there.
We also all have agreed that we don't deal with him until we've all talked. We deal with things as a united front. Dh is the POA and executor of his will. SIL is back up POA but essentially since the POA is not in play anyway we all have HIPAA clearance for him. And we all talk regularly about his care and issues.
The only way shared caregiving works in my opinion is if everyone is on the same page and communicate regularly. The only place we aren't on the exact same page is that DH and I feel that he is really at the point now where his needs are too much for them, they have their own medical needs now and it is wearing on them. And there is only so much we can help them. We would prefer to find a skilled nursing facility for him. And they absolutely agree 100%. But they have not to date made a plan to move out and as long as they live there he will absolutely never have a need to leave. The VA has outfitted his home for his mobility issues and he is content to let them wait on him hand and foot. And until they hit their wall with his care we cannot do anything to change the situation.
So if you are considering sharing care, you absolutely have to recognize that the load will rarely be as balanced as you would like, there will probably be disputes and you need to agree up front on how you will resolve them and you have to decide how much you personally are willing to give. Because if you give all, and are the solution all the time, over time no one will look for any other solutions and you may find that you aren't sharing so much as carrying the full weight of it all.
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