My Mother lives alone and is 95 years old. She is a gambling addict and a hoarder. I went to work tonight and was only their 10 minutes when my son called and said grandma needs you. She has shortness of breath and is shaking. I left work immediately and there were 2 ambulances in her driveway. I rushed up the driveway and they told me she is fine. She just had a panic attack but she wants us to take her to the hospital. I said ok I’ll meet you there. I made up my mind I was telling them everything. The ER doctor checked her over and didn’t find anything wrong. He then took her socks off because she said her toes hurt and all this white dust and stuff came out of her socks. He asked when the last time she changed her socks. She said she couldn’t remember. They immediately brought in a social worker. She told her that her house had clutter and I whispered hoarder so the social worker heard me. She kept trying to talk my mom into having a nurse or aide come to her house. She said no. A few minutes later I got the social worker aside and told her she is not bathing or changing her clothes, or washing her hair, that she won’t do laundry and she is a hoarder with just a path to get around the house. I am crying and pleading at this time and said I’m sorry. She refuses help. There is nothing we can do since she is competent. She said she has to fall or something before anybody can’t intervene. Nobody is calling APS. Not the hospital or the EMTs. There were 3 of them in her filthy house. The social worker told me to call APS if I wanted but don’t be surprised if they say there is nothing we can do because she is competent. This is outrageous. I live in upstate ny and there is no mandatory reporting of a self neglecting individual. Needless to say I had to bring her back home. I got her settled in and then I left.
There probably is some sort of mandatory reporting, but your inclusion of the words 'self neglect' sums up what will be reported after talking w/the patient. If you are of reasonable mind, you do have the right to take a bath when you want, eat crap if you want, and live in an unclean house.
You would get more help with the hoarding if she was renting an apt or house because you could tell the landlord she is destroying the house. If house belongs to her, that's a moot point. Go ahead and call APS just to see what they can do to help you. It can't hurt to let them evaluate. They may be able to guide you to a service to clean it out or make mom think outsiders are going to get involved if she doesn't clean up, especially if there is a bug or rodent problem with the hoard.
While he was in the hospital, I was advised that he should never be driving again, and would need someone with him 24/7 going forward. None of this advise was put in writing!
2 days into rehab, he decided that he wanted to go home, against doctor's orders. I was expected to drop everything and go there to pick him up at 9pm. I asked if they could give him a sedative since he was clearly agitated and was told that they couldn't make him take any medicine. If I didn't pick him up, he was going to be leaving and walking 4+ miles to get home.
Of course, I did go pick him up and took him home and any discussion about his driving or hiring some help was promptly ignored. He is still doing exactly what he wants to do and I am furious that the medical professionals did nothing to help, especially since they were the ones that told me there need to be some restrictions. I'm supposed to follow their advise but have no record of their advise to use to get his driver's license revoked or to take to a lawyer to work on making some arrangements.
If her house is dirty, you can encourage her to hiring a cleaning service or you can help her clean up. Alternatively you *CAN* move in with her, or have her live WITH you so you can keep an eye on her. Maybe she gambles because she is lonely. If I were her age and still with it I'd be causing all kinds of trouble and get away with it LOL
I wanted to point out, Dirty and Hoarding are two vastly different things. Hiring a cleaning service would not make much difference. Hoarding has a mental illness component and unless/until that can be addressed, it won't stop. Doesn't sound like mom is ready for any help on that front, unfortunately.
That clearing snow for her, picking her up from the ER, shopping & running errands, whatever’s are all enabling her. STOP ENABLING!
How you describe her, well.... she’s an addict with mental health issues.
Gambling is an addiction.
Yeah it’s not like having kid on meth who is doing their dammdest Jesse Pinkman impersonation; or slumped over with a needle in their arm like in Trainspotting; or raging alcoholic like in Save the Tiger. Those are in your face addictions. Gambling is way more subtle. It’s the ostensibly sweet lil widow playing slots, but she is actually a honey badger.
Mom needs out of that house & into a regulated environment for her own health, safety & security. She’s 95, things are not gonna get better.
Shes one fall from a crisis and full out panic situation for you all. Although that might just be the best thing cause you do NOT pick her up and let discharge planner find her a facility & if need be she becomes a ward of the state.
I’d really highly suggest that you need to yourself go to a Gambling Anonymous family counseling. If your state has casinos, state has some sort of free resources for gambling addictions & these include family. The casinos have to put funds into the programs in order to be licensed.
You have two things here that will prevent intervention of the law and social services.
1. Mom is still not adjudged incompetent. She is in charge of her own decisions in life until that happens. Hoarding is yes, a mental illness, but no, not against the law.
2. The law cannot act to intervene in the life of a competent person. they are allowed to choose when and whether to shower, how much to clutter their homes with.
Now there are times when the law CAN intervene and that is when someone is living in a situation that represents a health danger to themselves or others. Animal feces, in fact would change this whole situation. Even human feces would as some hoarders will not even part with their own soiled diapers. So there must be a health hazard. Mold might even work. Floor boards falling in. That sort of thing. If I sound like someone who once watched Hoarders, I am.
But there has to be a direct and emergent (as in this is an emergency) threat to life or limb of self or others.
You may have to move "away from this mess" for your own sanity. You yourself know that this WILL at some point come to a head with some catastrophe. At that point I would caution you to watch what you wish for. Guardianship or POA over your Mom will be almost useless unless she is locked into memory care, and she is competent so that will not happen. If guardianship is needed I would advise that you let the state be the battleground, and let them take over; this mess could just kill you, and leave your Mom even more helpless and in the same condition. Hoping you will keep us posted. Wishing you every good luck and am so sorry for all you are going through.
I never understood the laws concerning swimming pools. If someone jumps a fence and drowns in your pool the family can sue. That is insane to me. Aren’t they trespassing? I feel bad about their death but I don’t feel a family should be able to sue.
My neighbors have a cover with a lock on their pool. Now that’s smart!
Fed up and still in shock. Because aren't we on the side of the elder, getting them the best care, for their benefit? And, they come against us. Hey Mom, I am on your side! Hey hubs, I am on your side. Just how does it get all twisted up, a legal liability, and a battle?
So sorry you are going through this.
My Mom took a step closer to me, backing me up to a door, after I suggested it may be time to speak to her doc about her legs. Through clenched teeth and tightened jaw, she told me I didn’t know anything. I said ok and left her house.
She’s never been violent, but I’ve never had to oppose her, either. She doesn’t like that, lol. And yes, I am on her side - but she doesn’t see it that way.
Mom’s neighbor reports Mom driving - probably bought new key fob from dealer (‘cause we have the two original sets of car keys).
But since hospital, neurologist and psychologist didn’t complete mandated paperwork for the state, there’s no way to enforce her taking the driver eval/test via the scripts given her at discharge. State doesn’t know her new diagnosis.
I’m sick with how this is going . . . .
Call the fire department for an inspection.
They are mandated reporters.
There are AL facilities that have group bus rides to the casinos.
Maybe she could get excited about that?
Let us know. Pulling for you. 💗
Yes, unfortunately you have lots of practice dealing with your mom!
Your mother is severely mentally ill. The contact you do have with her is toxic. She groomed you to be the way you are with her. The anguish she puts you through is abundantly clear!
Her not answering the phone is manipulation to get you coming in person. As long as you are calling her from your house or cell phone, you will have a telephone record of attempting to reach out.
You can call the non-emergency number of the police to do a welfare check on her. Call enough times, and the police may be your allies in forcing something to happen.
Call APS and leave your name. Tell them you can no longer check on her because she is verbally abusive and her home is a death trap. And do not let her drag your son into this.
And the next time she lands in the hospital, tell the social worker or whoever is calling you that discharge to home is unsafe, that you cannot help her, that she is verbally abusive to you, and that her home is a death trap. Let the hospital deal with her. And perhaps, when she realizes that you are not coming to get her, she will answer her phone.
Sad that she spoke to your dad like that.
I can hear the pain in your posts. in all the times I have contacted APS they have never once investigated me....I don’t think you should worry about that. They’ll know that your the one concerned for her safety.
My heart really goes out to you and the pain you’re going through.
The problem here is that YOUR life is being ruined in the process of mother 'living her own life.' What would it take for YOU to feel better here and to not make statements like 'sometimes I wish I would die before her.'?
THAT is what's important here. Your mother is 95.......her days are numbered no matter what, you know? You can't save her from herself, so decide what you will and won't do, like the daily phone check in's and stuff. Maybe bring her some food once a week or something like that. What's the minimum you can do to where you feel useful but that it's not killing you?
What about hiring someone to do a daily check in? To see if/what she needs. Then you would KNOW that she is okay and not laying on the floor dying! That's something to consider also.
Think about that. Again, mom is 95. This situation won't go on forever. Don't come out of this completely wrecked. Then two lives will be lost. Sending you a big hug
Elaine,
Speak to Council on Aging about all of this. See if they have any advice as well.
Even if it’s not a daily check in. Try to maybe pay a flat fee. So it won’t cost as much to you but also fair to them. I bet a student would jump at the extra money. Is she near a high school or university where students are?
My mom gets discharged today after round #2 in hospital/LTC. I'm nowhere near the scene this time around . Have no idea if utilities are on - or house hasn't been broken into this whole time she was laid up. The caregiver she hires (under the table) will be there to meet with her when she gets home.
The only thing I can say at this point - it's her problem, not mine. I gave up. (sort of). But I' steering clear of my mom as much as I can now. I've got to get back to my life anyway.