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I don't know why. I'm not her favorite kid, OK. I can handle that, but the complete lack of communication with her when I am not the one starting it tells me she never thinks of me or my family.
And when I did see her/call her, the conversations were all about which if the other kids I had seen, what were they up to? what were they doing? And then she'd go off of her own train of thought about her few friends and their lives.
She isn't mean exactly, just not interested in anything that doesn't directly affect her.
I was dxed with cancer early this spring. I have 1 more chemo appt and then will begin the process of healing. Has she called me once to see how I am? (18 weeks, so far)..has made a single effort to check on me or visit? even a card?
Nope.
She lives 5 minutes away. Doesn't drive, but lives with YB's family who have 6 drivers living there. Have any of them come by or called or acknowledged this difficult time for me?
Nope.
Is this neglect due to selfishness or dislike or some long held anger? I have no idea, and so to protect myself and be in the best mental health I can be in, I have gone no contact with her. Even if she did call, I wouldn't answer and a card would be returned. Maybe that's childish, but I am so done after 60+ years of this behavior.
You do not have to out yourself in the way of negative relationships/friendships that bring you down.
It just hurts so much when it's your parent. I've 'lost' several friends through this trial and I guess they weren't really 'friends' if they can't ride out the tough times with you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this without much support. Hopefully you have both a good therapist and some other friends who haven't proven to be the fair weather kind. Hugs to you!
Hi, do you mind if I private message you soon? I’d like to discuss my feelings about my mom with you daughter to daughter. I think it may help me resolve a few things.
My mom will be 94 in November. I am almost 64. I no longer have a relationship with her.
Everyone around her knows how terribly she talked about me. I kept trying to establish a relationship with her after several year long breaks, and they did not work. I had to let her go. I would never have that loving mother daughter relationship with her, and it was very hard to grieve. But I have children and as Dr. Laura says, you have two chances for that great relationship - with your parents and with your own children. I protected my kids from her and have great relationships with them.
So what happened after I left the last time? 8 years later, Adult Protective Services for her county had several reports of her wandering and that she was potentially destitute. They befriended her and took her to a doctor. Mthr remembered her son in laws last name and state, and they found us through the internet. By this point, mthr was passive so we were able to place her in a memory care here where she is warm, dry, fed, and has running water. I am not involved in her care except to pay the bills and visit once in a blue moon. She still would attack me verbally and try physically until her dementia progressed further.
I don't know why she does not like me, but that's not my problem. She has enough money to pay her own way or I would have made her a ward of the state and let them make her decisions. I feel sorry for her now that she has run absolutely everyone away who could be interested in her welfare. She was unaware that she ran everyone off.
I'm in a Children of Hoarders group online - everyone is concerned about the hoarders' feelings but not about their kids. I'm on your side, and you don't need to worry about your mom. You can't change her. You can change the way you react, and walking away from the abuse is a very positive change. Stay in touch with the boards- they can be very healing.
Have you always been the kind of person who stays in relationships with abusive persons? It might be worthwhile to invest in psychotherapy to help you work on that issue.
Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist? Meds may help.
Do you know that UTIs in the elderly sometimes cause behavioral issues? Have her tested.
If she is non-demented, walking away (like really AWAY) when she verbally abuses you may cause her to learn not to do so.
So, you're at the doctor and she starts in..."sorry mom, I need to go, I won't stand for the way you're talking to me; I'll get a cab to wait for you. It will be outside".
And then LEAVE.
Your father put up with this; you do not have to.
you need to have boundaries and enforce them. My experience dealing with “nutty” as you describe it .. they really take it out on those they feel will put up with it.
i kept telling the guy I was helping that I wasn’t a slave...I could just walk away at any time, so he needed to realize which side of the bread the butter is on.
finally, he started screaming at me and calling me names while we were in a car rental place. I just said to him. “That’s the last time you sh*t on me” and I walked out, Refused to take any calls for a week. Left him to figure out how to get himself home.
when I did see him again..I told him the next time I have to walk out on him...I would NEVER take his calls again.
you need to defend yourself and your boundaries, because she has gotten away with this for so long...the first time you put a stop to it..it will have to be full breaks on and totally shut her out for a long period of time,,,to drive that point fully home. Otherwise, you will just be right where you are now all over again. I know, I rode the rollercoaster.
She is competent according to her doctor, so she can get herself to the doctor as needed.
Have the proper planning documents been put in place? Will, POA, Heath Care Representative etc? Beyond that walk away.
You WOULD walk away from an abusive cancer patient; a person who is abusive (mentally ill or otherwise) needs more help than an ordinary human can give. They needs meds and three shifts of trained caregivers.
Someone who is simply physically frail and who understands that they are dependent upon a loved one for care, someone who says please and thank you and is not demanding and inconsiderate of the needs of other family members can be cared for at home in some situations.
Folks who think that they are the center of the universe? Not.
We just got back from the trip, I went back to work...the next day I visit my mom and she tells me she is going to remove me from her will because I am never there for her ! That I am the only child who never helps her out.
That's right me, the one who just spent a weekend with her at the doctor's.
I know it's the dementia speaking but dang...this is hard !
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