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Many say they don’t belong there, and that they aren’t like the other residents ( that don’t know what they are doing ).
I agree with your son , being back home with you , he would likely become demanding and aggressive again because you are familiar .
He is in a controlled environment with professionals . Dementia patients often respond differently to staff than they do with their own spouse or adult child , that they will challenge more . My mother’s doctor told me it often becomes necessary to place someone with dementia for this very reason . They need to be taken care of by non family , because they think they can be the boss around their own family .
Your H refuses showers, brushing teeth, and shaving. He is aggressive. He's in a memory care facility because it was recommended, and if he is thriving there it's because it's where he needs to be in order to thrive. He clearly (to me) has dementia. My husband has it too. So did my parents. It's easy to spot even without testing when you've seen it before as I have.
I believe you're grasping at straws and want someone to tell you that H can come home with you. That may be the worst thing you could do for him. Think of HIM, not what you want. I hope you'll stop going to see him so often so he can bond with his caregivers, and then he'll let them handle his personal care. Don't supply his food! They have food. Don't shower him! Let the professionals do it.
What half of the medical field says he doesn't have dementia? Memory care wouldn't take him if he didn't need to be there.
I hope you can come to peace with all this. Part of achieving peace is acceptance.
The medical field basically knows nothing about dementia, it is all trial and error.
I 100% agree with your son, you are trying to think with your heart, not your head, that will not work.
Leave him be, why do you go everyday? Perhaps if you would back off he would start acclimating himself to his new home.
Might be time to start living your new life, not trying to live vicariously through his.
Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
My MIL is in LTC. She went in prior to covid and became extremely ill with it, needing to be on hospice for 4 weeks. After covid her memory and cognition seem better than before. I'm thinking it was the increase in attention in hospice and after covid in the facility (it's a really good facility).
I would not take your husband back home. Keep remembering why he went into a facility in the first place. Can he go to AL instead of MC? Does he take any meds for his anxiety/agitation/aggression? If not, why not?