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Great big warm hug!
You don't have the training to give him the care he needs or to keep him safe. I would be speaking with his doctors about what the right level of facility care is for him right now; there are some AL's that have RNs on staff full time, I would think he needs that, if not skilled nursing.
(((((((hugs))))))))
This IS a frightening situation to be in, and I'm glad you have a supportive spouse.
While you are caring for dad, care for yourself. Talk to your PCP about a short term use of an anti anxiety med. Watching a LO pass away can be very discomforting and it sounds like you are not ready for what is coming.
Time to approach Hospice for care, they will take as much off of you as you need. And keep dad comfortable, which is really important. You want to give dad the love and support he needs, AND you need to stay as calm as you can. It's hard, I know.
I wish you peace in the next few weeks. Let dad know he's loved and care for him as best you can...but take care of you, first.
((Hugs))
You may want to consider Hospice in the home. There will be a nurse 3x or so a week and on call. An aide about 3x a week for bathing. He will receive Morphine for pain and breathing problems. May not be much but its someone you can talk to. Depends are free and his prescriptions. Medicare pays for his care and anything he needs, like oxygen.
Paula, none of us can live forever. Does your father understand at all that he is now failing, and in the past did he make it clear to you the circumstances under which he would not want to go on?
You will have decisions coming soon, and quite honestly, at your Dad's age, they cannot be avoided. If you need professional help to walk you through the grieving you are already embarking on, do consider a licensed Social Worker who counsels on life passages. Your Dad is embarked on a passage now that cannot be avoided and that will come to us all.
If you feel able to go on, you having done this care for three years, it may be time to talk to doctors about palliative care or hospice care within the home to help you. If you cannot do that, it may already be late for your Dad to thrive in Assisted Living. He needs more than that now, or soon will.
I am so sorry. Your post shows that you are feeling a lot of denial in the face of age and disease. Do please seek help. Hugs out to you. No one goes here who loves without grief.