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I don't think you should feel any guilt at all.
1. Showing their parents that despite their crappy parenting and neglect, that their grown child is a much better person than they were. Here I am, willing to serve. See? I turned out great! I win!
2. Hoping that caretaking will finally make their parents love them and see them for the good person they are. Sure, your folks may have ignored you, neglected you, or said mean things to you, or abused you, or let you be abused, and overall left you with a big mental mess that you spent years to clean up. But hey, nobody's perfect! They did the best they could, right? They didn't really mean all those things, did they? Oh, they couldn't have. They'll see how they messed up and will be sorry when the child steps in, and maybe get a deathbed "I love you".
And 9.99 times out of 10, these outcomes do not happen. Haven't you suffered enough as it is?
I have seen a lot of people, family included, who allow themselves to be absolutely stomped on by others in the name of 'compassion'. If you keep subjecting yourself to someone who is cruel to you, or was cruel and never apologized or acknowledged their cruelty, that isn't compassion. That's fear! You are still the child who is being bullied by someone 3x bigger than you. Gotta keep the peace by keeping them content. You've been gaslit (classic abuser tactic) and it stuck. The "well, maybe I provoked some of it, I wasn't a good kid, I don't know..." feelings.
It's okay to still have that fear. Just have to see it for what it is, and go from there.
If you truly feel helping them would heal your heart, then do it. Just be sure that is the motive. Otherwise its a message to them and you that your feelings and issues just don't matter.
I absolutely feel like I would be somehow condoning their abusive parenting skills if I pay up, and yes I totally 'fear' the wrath of my mother,and just want to keep the peace, but truthfully, I never feel peaceful when trying to 'keep the peace', I just feel like a cowering little child. There is no balance or love in that.....its like some weird co-dependent game. It's not good for anyone when I give in, it feels like weakness not strength.
Your words have really made me think!
Thank you for taking the time to respond
This is much appreciated
My suggestion to you is to help your folks find somewhere to live that is within their means, using their limited incomes with SSI or whatever they do get. Low income housing is available, many many seniors make it work without ever dreaming of mooching off of their children!
Then decide how much time you will spend with them once they are situated. Once a week, once a month, whatever. Set down boundaries and rules to follow, in other words, that suit YOU. Because in reality, this isn't about THEM, it's about YOU.
I grew up wanting nothing but to get away from my mother. I wound up moving all over the country and the folks followed me until I moved back East & they couldn't afford it. I had 17 years of blessed peace until 2011 when my dad couldn't drive anymore and I had to move them here. I'm an only child, so there was nobody else to do it. And truthfully, my dad was a wonderful man & I'd have moved heaven & earth for him. It's my mother who's the rotten egg. Anyway, I had them placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip b/c I couldn't possibly care for them in my home. He passed in 2015 & my mother is 93 now & still going strong. I don't pay one penny of my own money for her care, either. When her money runs out next year, I'll apply for Medicaid and get her placed into Skilled Nursing at that time.
Do what you have to do to protect YOURSELF throughout your folks' old age, okay? Think of it that way..........that you're wearing a shield of armor that nothing can penetrate! Set up a list of rules to follow and then stick to it like glue. That will help guide you when you feel torn about what to do for them and what not to do.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I appreciate all that you said, thank you for sharing your story, I really like the shield of armour as a tool and a list of rules. I already feel a lot lighter.
Thank you
to give their time or money. What ur parents need to do now is live within their means. If that means downsizing to a Senior apt so be it. They will need to find the resourses available in their community to help them. Calling Office of Aging can get them started.
Here is another new post similar to yours.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-can-i-make-my-mother-love-me-456639.htm
Read what I wrote. If u do help, do it from a distance. No child who has been abused should be a caretaker for their parents.
I do agree and feel that they have set it up like this , and should reep the rewards of what they haven't sewed
I will read those posts, thank you
I like what you said, that they planned for their retirement, let them have it,
I appreciate all your advice
Let them handle this, you can direct them, but it is their responsibility to find a solution. Medicaid may be an option.
Take care of you, don't give up you for them, no one can force you to do anything. Guilt is a self imposed emotion, driven by fear, what do you fear? Sounds like you are suffering from False Guilt, you may want to Google this term.
As long as you embrace guilt you will remain stuck in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key to unlock the door, consider using it and do what is best for you.
Good Luck!
Yes, that terrible emotion guilt, I am going to look up false guilt, this is the core feeling that I need to release...... you have made me think deeply about this
children are never required, in any way, to pay for their parents old age. And certainly not when the parents perpetuated neglect,
the guilt? It is a tool others will try to use against you to get you to do what they want. Divorce yourself from that too. Simply keep replying...no, I must take care of me first. I finally have my life on track..I won’t go back to the bad ole days. Conversation done, And then, Refuse to talk about it.
you implemented no contact before and regained yourself....do it again with anyone trying to use the guilt routine on you.
stay strong, and move forward with your life!!!
Sometimes life sucks but that's your parents problem, not yours. Here's a big big big hug for you!
Why are you the one who thinks you have to move back there? Where are your older siblings?
NONE of you has to fund your parents' old age.
That said, you are not under any circumstances liable for their lack of planning. If someone tries to make you think you "have" to help. Ask them or yourself what would happen if you got into a car accident today and was killed. They would get by somehow. If it is siblings, remember, every kid has a different relationship with their parents. Mine was not near the same as my brother's (the Golden Child). Of course, he couldn't stand mom either and wouldn't help her at all.
Do not spend any of your money taking care of them, like I said, if you died today, they would get by. If there is no one to help them with Medicaid paperwork for example, you could do that. Maybe from a distance with emails, and faxes.
No matter what you do, you will never have the parental love and acceptance that all children deserve, they just do not have it in them. Sort of like blue eyes or color of skin, it just isn't there.
Wrap yourself in Hugs from me and others. We are always available for you. You can always personal message me if you choose to do so. (((Hugs)))