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It also means if she is wheelchair bound, that you or your husband would need to carry her to the bathroom for daily showers since she is incontinent and help her with her showers which she might not want..... are you strong enough to do that on a daily basis? And to be able to change her Depends as she lays in bed? And be able to lift her to put her into a wheelchair?
Are you able to be a Caregiver 168 hours per week? You would be doing the job of three caregivers, who each work an 8-hour shift, who get to go home and have a good night sleep to be refreshed in the morning. Could you get by on just a couple hours of sleep per night?
Could you do all the above for the next 5 to 10 years? No more dinners out with hubby... or vacations. Unless you hire 3 full-time caregivers during the week, and 3 more full-time caregivers to work the weekends and hopefully holidays.
Think about it this way, do you want to be her "daughter", or do you want to be her "Caregiver"... it is very difficult to be both.
Have you and your husband discussed how much of a struggle it has been over these past four years to accept that your mother is where she needs to be? He might already be aware of it, but I think it would be good to talk about it. I believe he's accepted that is where she needs to be and is aware that the two of you cannot run your own nursing home as two people at home.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist about your struggle and pain over accepting that this is where your mother needs to be. Take care and keep in touch.
Placing your Mom where she can be appropriately cared for is not a guilty action. "Dumping" her somewhere is. Why don't you use some of the energy and time you would devote to her if she were in your home to devoting to her in the NH? How far from you is the nursing home? Would it be practical to visit several times a week? Short visits are OK. Keep an eye on the level of care she is getting. Make friends with her regular nurse and caregivers. Eat meals with her occasionally. Bring in scrapbooks to look at with her. My mother is in a nursing home, but I certainly didn't "dump" her there. If you are feeling like you did dump your mom and there is some basis in fact for that feeling, then remedy that by paying her more attention where she is. If you are already doing that, then, please, force those guilt feelings out of the decision process.
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