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I'm an only child to a single Mom. She never dated, didn't have any friends besides her sisters and me. It burdened me that my Mom treated me like a spouse and lived vicariously through me.
Yes, please let your daughter lead her life and you live yours. BTW, she is already leading her life -- she doesn't need your permission to do that. What she's doing with you is defending a boundary. That's why she's not calling you. Stop clinging to her. You're the one that needs to move on.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
So you were a verbally abusive parent. I’m not surprised she wants nothing to do with you.
You’re getting exactly what you deserve.
This is the type of entitled elder that is going to expect/demand hands-on care from the child they abused in their old age. I hope your daughter is smart enough to stay far away.
I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly screaming.... at her mother, me, life....the atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I grew to dislike my mother as a result of my wretched childhood, and all she'd put me thru. In fact, I used to beg her to beat me up to get the mental torture OVER WITH. I was an only child too.
Until her dying day, my mother thought she was a Great Mother and that I was The Bad Guy. She never once in her life pointed her finger INWARD to ask HERSELF why all "that frustration" she felt as a parent ruined MY life.
"It's not are childrens job to love us, it's are job to love them"
This is so true, it's not there job to take care of us when we age , it's still are job no matter what age to take care of are selves. It's are job to make sure we have what we need when we age. With that being said we don't support them and give them money after a certain age, because we need to save it for are retirement to not expect them to take care of us.
I have 4 boys, I don't see the older ones much the younger ones more. But they are living there best life and I am so proud and happy for them. They are truly amazing boys. I'm letting them live there life, without feeling like they have to spend a certain amount of time with me.
Be proud of the life your daughter is building for herself, don't give her money, build your own life not around your daughter
Best of luck.
Giving her money was probably the only reason she allowed a relationship. No money no relationship. One thing I was told in family therapy is you have to acknowlege the other persons feelings. No "that is not how it happened". The child saw it a different way and you need to apologize even if you don't agree with it. If your going to fix this relationship you need to admit your at fault. This relationship is going to take a while to heal. You can't come across needy. You both will need to set boundaries. You do not jump everytime she wants something from you. Same with her, she does not jump either. I told my daughter long ago, I have no problem taking care of her boys but if I have made plans, they become before babysitting, By trying to please your child, you have no life. Get back in touch with your siblings and friends. Your daughter should not be the center of your world and you should not expect to be the center of hers. And don't make plans for your old age thinking daughter will be your Caregiver. Plan ahead.
If she does not want you in her life, that is her choice to make. You say it came on suddenly but also that it has been going on for 2 decades. 20 years!? The rant of your post gives a little insight into what she may experience..
My father would have said the same things about me, never physically abused me(true, the abuse was never physical) and that he spoiled me (definitely not true)
Move on and focus on your life. Find a way to be healthy mentally and physically and maybe in time, your daughter will choose to seek a relationship on her terms. And yes, let her live her life! You can too!! Spending time wishing for someone else to feel differently is wasting precious time that you could be using to find your own happiness
Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life and you live yours. Continue with the therapy to get to the root cause of your behaviors and the expectations you have of your daughter.
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