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Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.
SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.
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