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Finding a support group really helps, and supportive friends and family is a must. It'll get easier with time, I promise❤
You are making the right decision…If you can no longer care for your husband, the only choice is a care center. If the closest/most cost effective is 2 1/2 hrs away, so be it.
Do you have a support system in place…friends, family, online, phone…anything and everything so you can vent and not feel so alone? Listening to others share their stories. Offering others empathy, sympathy and whatever help you can will also help you during this time. Crying is fine. Cry till you have nothing left. Who wouldn’t? But after you’re done crying, stay occupied.
Make plans for your future. I don’t mean to sound trite, but stay busy, don’t just sit and dwell. Yes, you will cry off and on. Probably for some time.
Go out with friends or stay in and deep clean, reorganize. Not sure how fit you are…exercise, walk, heck repaint a room. I know you think hearing BS like this is so not helpful, but really, find something you enjoy to do, it will help. Have people over to keep you company during this transition. Do you work? Maybe consider a part time job or volunteer work after you get your husband settled. I imagine getting your husband situated will take some time. When you drive to see him, listen to music, podcasts or audiobooks you enjoy. Stop and have a bite to eat at someplace you like. I know…eating alone sucks, find whatever small positive you can, pick a restaurant you want, take as long or as little time as you want, eat dessert first if you want. All these things are small and silly, yet it’s all these little things that add up. Or maybe friends or family can join you sometime for the ride.
The first few visits (esp the goodbyes) will be tough. Take some time before you get back on the road to cry. Stay safe.
You are making the right choice, please know that. Your best friend needs proper care. Stay strong, you are not alone. People have to make these difficult decisions all the time. If others can get through it, so can you. I wish I knew how to make it easier, but there just isn’t any easy way.
If your husband could advise you, what would he say? Lay down and cry until you die or do the best you can to make your life happy?
This period is a rough one for sure. Do the best you can. You aren’t alone.
The MC is near a town we lived prior to retirement and area that I would return to in the future. My daughter and brother are about 30 minutes away and we have friends living close by. The facilities closest to us are like glorified spa retreats with theaters and happy hours since they are AL/MC which needless to say he wouldn’t be taking advantage even though they said some MC do. The cost is reflective of that. The MC is still expensive but appears that the staff is well versed in the best practices in dementia care and do not dismiss residents if behaviors arise. This place provides the furniture if you prefer, new mattress and bedding etc. They will even decorate the room themed to your LO interests which leaves you to bring personal touches, clothes and whatever items are necessary for his transition.
I do believe I've tried my best. He goes to a top neurologist at University of Penn, we do weekly acupuncture/cupping sessions, he uses a photobiomodulation device, relaxation techniques and other ways to help him maintain his cognitive abilities He was keeping fairly even until the seizure. He had been going to adult daycare( after seizure) who loved him and was wonderful but he’s a walker and pushed someone in his way. They said it wasn’t aggressive but naturally he couldn’t continue.
We’ve been together 46 years, have a loving marriage, traveled extensively, shared the same career in education, and a fondness for history and artifacts.
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Fortunately, I have made many friends down here and have a lot of different interests that I pursue. In my heart, I know he would want me to do the things I love and what we shared together.
Through Penn, they have a grief yoga that I plan to participate on through zoom and may look into a therapist to work through these feelings. We had contacted a elder lawyer about 2 years ago so POA and Advance directives etc are all in order
As so many of you elegantly mentioned, it’s getting my head and heart in sync…..giving myself time to mourn…learning to live the new normal and finally, hopefully emerging a stronger person in the process. Thanks for reminding me that I can do this!
I would love to look into creating a nonprofit to assist people who don’t qualify for Medicaid to defray some of the cost of care at home or a facility, or to help pay for supplies Depends, ensure etc. This is not in my wheelhouse but we will see.
As to your nonprofit, there are resources out there it is a matter of finding them. Once found the difficulty is getting people to 1) Ask for help and 2) Accept help.
What makes this difficult is that they look like the person you love, but the DONT ACT LIKE IT. That is because their mind is deteriorated. I, and the people on this board know how difficult this decision is. You are scared for them and you are scared for your finances. You will always question your decision, right up to the day they pass away. But yes, you are doing the right thing.
They only post to make people feel guilty and hurt them.
You have done a loving thing. I hope you can see that, but the separation must be so hard.
There are many spouses over at the Alzheimer's org. that have had to do this--some have done so quite recently, some are getting ready to take this tremendous step. They would surely be happy to support you in addition to the kind folks here.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=2147485438
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