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Your doing the best job you can & that’s something to be proud of.
Burnout is a normal feeling so don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’m sure there are many good things your doing for your mom.
You may want to look at why you don’t want to share these feelings with anyone so they don’t potentially escalate because you’ve become physically or mentally exhausted yourself.
Maybe you could join a zoom support group for CG’s and just listen. You may surprise yourself by sharing one day once you see your in a safe space with those who can relate and won’t pass judgement.
Lee, caregiving is depressing in itself. We are watching the slow decline of our LO. The emotional, mental and physical demands are difficult. We struggle every day which affects our health and our outlook.
I also am by nature a calm, patient, optimistic, friendly introvert. The extreme pressures of long term caregiving (I'm 16 years into it) have caused me to struggle mightily with a side of me that is resentful, angry and impatient. I feel broken much of the time and the exhaustion makes me weep.
But, my mother gets very good care and that's about all that I can offer at this point. The only thing that I do to stimulate her is play hymns and music.
Take the pressure off of yourself to be perfect.
Can you hire a sitter to give you a few hours away?
Place her in an appropriate facility. 24/7 caregiving by a single individual is not viable long term. The stresses of it could very easily kill you, and where would Mom be then?
Play music that you both like (take turns) and get out into the fresh air nature a bit. Both are good for the serotonin in your brains and are the simplest of things you can do to help BOTH of you feel better. Also, consider a Meals on Wheels food plan for your Mom which will alleviate the burden of meal preps. I'm sending you a virtual hug - you are blessed and valued. Please continue to reach out to this group - we care!
You are not doing a terrible job. Moderate dementia is not easy to deal with. It is hard to stimulate someone if you are not feeling top notch. It doesn't matter if you are a fair cook. Do the meals satisfy nutrition guidelines? It doesn't have to satisfy guidelines every day, just over say a week. Can you microwave? Regardless of what the cooking shows want you to believe, it isn't that easy to produce those kind of meals without practice and knowledge (and money) and the ability to endure failures.
Do you know what is triggering your depression? Is it the constant caring for someone that you have no control over? Or is it seasonal depression? Or is it aging? Or maybe you are a perfectionist?
You are doing an adequate, not terrible job, despite what your mind is telling you. However, I do suggest you see a doctor ASAP as any kind of therapy for depression does take a long time to see and feel results. Depression can not be treated easily and it is tough to care for someone else when you, yourself, are not feeling well.
...and also, remember that terrible is a subjective word. What is terrible to one person might be above average to another. Same thing about fair cook....what you consider fair, might be out-of-this-world to someone else.
Don't give into the depression....gather your strength and go see a doctor.
Please share these feelings with your Dr. There may be some antidepressants that could help. Even if you don’t want to talk to your Dr, at least find either local caregiver support meetings or they have several online too. The fact the you posted here, shows that on some level, you know you need to share your burden. Sharing will help you…even just to vent, but speaking to others they can give ideas on how to handle certain situations that come up on this journey.
Dont be hard on yourself. Take some deep breaths, step outside for some fresh air. Please look up support groups for caregivers, in addition to this forum. At the suggestion of one of my support group facilitators, I contacted my Dr for antidepressant. It seems to help a bit.
You can’t take care of your loved one, unless you take care of yourself. You need rest, relaxation and a support system. The rest and relaxation may only be possible in “small doses”, you need to find ways.
Good luck and keep posting so we know how your doing.
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