By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess what...you’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.
Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.
Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).
From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.
From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.
You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.
You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.
Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.
There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.
You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.
He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.
Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.
Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.
What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.
But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?
Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.