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I'm willing to work with you mom, but not willing to wreck my marriage, my life, my retirement and my children's college. I love you, but you are not the only responsibility in my life right now. You raised me to honor ALL the commitments in my life."
Agree with the others - no one should give up a job to care give their parent unless they are well set up for their retirement. I retired at 73 as the demands of a job and caregiving mother were too much for me, BUT, I was very well set up for my retirement as I had worked well past usual retirement age and I was a distance care giver.
Your mil is refusing help from others in a power play to get your hub to move in with her. Don't fall for it. Have him read the responses here and also other stories of similar situations. Do NOT offer her to move in with you - she would want to rule your roost and it would rapidly become intolerable for you.
There are other alternatives. As ff and windy have said - sometimes you have to wait for a crisis before the elders will accept changes. So be it. It is her choice. She needs to experience the consequences of her choices and not have your hub cave in to her. Have you thought about counselling for the two of you? I wonder how much of a priority his mother has been to your hubs all along - or is this a new thing? Quitting your job to go live with your aging mother is pretty drastic, Many men would run 10 miles in the opposite direction from that situation.
My parents also refuse any help. I do what I can but I'm not going to give up my life to care for them for the next God knows how many years. And I certainly don't expect my wife to take this on. There will be a crisis that forces the issue with them and that's the way this usually goes.
The way I look at this, your Mom-in-law is making a clear minded decision not to move out of her house, thus she needs to take full responsibility of that decision. Thus, she will need to continue to live by herself.
Usually it takes a crises before our parent(s) have a wake-up call that they really do need help and need to be living elsewhere. A team of wild horses couldn't budge my parents from their house or having people come in to help them, and here they were in their 90's.... and I refused to even thing about moving in [they never asked] as I still needed to keep my career going so that I would have enough for my own retirement.
I will get back to you later.
I'm sure he's torn between what he feels is his obligation to his mother and his obligation to his job and to you and your marriage. So sympathize with him, feel sorry for him, support him to recognize that quitting his job would be disastrous for him, you and your marriage.
Try to work with him to help him recognize that she's made a choice, that it takes conciliation on the part of all when an elderly parent needs care, but she's not willing to make any concessions. That's a clue of what's to come.
My initial thought was tell him if he leaves to take care of his mother, he can leave for good, but then I realized how torn he must feel, and taking an arbitrary position could push him closer to her.
Find some time to spend with him doing something relaxing, perhaps a meal out, quiet long walk, or just a quiet evening, and share your concerns, as well as the reports and stories of those here who have been through this.
I hope you're able to find a middle ground to support him and help him realize that he would be committing himself to her for the rest of her life, and despite his love and sense of obligation, there will come a time when he feels differently.
Tgengine is a poster here; he's a man who didn't quit his job, but brought his father to live in his home. If you have some time, read his first posts, his positive approach then, then skip to his most recent posts expressing his frustration.
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