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Carol
It sounds like this is not so much about the attention your husband pays to his mother or your mother, but about the attention he pays/doesn't pay to you. Focus on that. Have a heart-to-heart with him about what you need. Leave your mothers out of it. Marriage counselling sounds like a great idea. I'll bet it would not be endless sessions -- just a few to iron out how a live-in mom changes the housefhold dynamics.
It is kind of sad that your mother needs so much male attention, but it sounds great to me that your husband can provide it harmlessly.
I don't know if I'll want to be fawned over in 20 years. If I do, I hope there will be someone around willing to do it now and then!
BTY, I take both my mother and my husband to see the same geriatrician. Almost always the first comment out of her mouth is about their appearance. "You really look great today! If I didn't have you chart here I'd forget how old you are!" or "You look a little tired today. What is going on?" Of course that is not the only thing she says to them, but it wouldn't surprise me if those were the comments they remember and report to others.
The only thing that sincerely interests her are situations where men might pay attention to her, she has no time for women and barely notices if they are kind to her. I really think this behavior is all about the attention and where she gets her self esteem. I have chalked it up to her generation and how she was raised.
It does sadden and disgust me that this is her only interest. I'm looking for the wise matriarch and she comes out with pre-teen girl stuff. I completely ignore it and change the subject when she starts talking about how good someone said she looked. (her doctor says that to her as well which boggles the mind.) This is her personality, always has been, and I'm not going to try and change it now. When she first moved in 3 years ago I tried to point her interests elsewhere but it is a lost cause. To lessen the stress I let it roll off and think of it as one of the battles I choose not to fight.
Of course you deserve attention and kindness. That goes without saying, we all do. There are no sides for your husband to be on. He sounds like an awesome guy. Take some time together away from your mom to get your attention needs met. I recommend you don't compete with your mom. No one will win.
I refuse to believe that it is a "generational" thing for I know many, many other women her age from her generation who are strong, independent and healthy.
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