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If his folks have money hire outside help or get them to assisted living. No money, apply for Medicaid.
I take care of similar parents. They should have moved off their farmette 10 years ago. Fortunately I'm pretty healthy but I really resent having to spend my retirement as a caregiver. I can't imagine doing this if I were sick. If I go down my folks would end up wards of the state.
Spending time with him would be your priority, understandably.
It looks to me, given the geographic arrangements, that the original understanding was that you and your husband would take of your in-laws' needs so that they could remain in their own home adjacent to your property. Clearly that arrangement is becoming unworkable, but what are the alternatives? Can your in-laws move to a facility when their care needs become too great? Why is that not on the table at least? What about getting them some paid help to take the burden off your husband and you? Is that an option? Are you expecting your sister-in-law to uproot her life and move in with her parents long-term to help out? That would be a blessing for you and your husband, and perhaps his parents, but what about her? It doesn't sound like that's an arrangement that she agreed to, or is willing to agree to.
This situation appear to be heading towards a crisis point, that will occur when your husband dies or become too ill to assist his parents any longer. At that point, either the siblings will step in to provide alternate care for their parents, or you will have to make the hard decision to continue or discontinue providing their care alone. It wouldn't be fair for you to be stuck holding the ball this way, but neither is it fair, in my opinion, to expect your sister-in-law to magically make the problem go away. JMHO.
Time to move to a situation where they dont need you.. who is going to care for them when your husband dies. which is seems is sooner than them.
Organise for someone to take them to appointments and once a week shopping, NOT you. if they demand to stay where they are.
Five years ago it would have been so ideal you next door to help with some chores, that pretty pink picture of caring for the older generation and things rosey.. but the black n white facts are there. and you are not being selfish wanting time with your husband in his last few years.
And get the old man off the road. How will you feel when he has a medical event and kills a young family, sadly he will survive and have more medical problems and expenses and a guilt to carry.
Tell the siblings what is going to happen, and Im sure they wont jump forward to change it.
Its so similar to what happened to my sister 30min away from my parents, tho they were in town. who landed up spending 2 x days week trying to help but it all turned to custard .
I feel for you in this position, when by rights you should be having 100% focus on your own needs and wants at this time. I hope you get it
It may help if you investigate local services providers ahead of time. What transportation options are there? Handi-Dart, Taxi, church volunteers? Speak with their minister and ask the church for help. Can the Church provide rides on Sunday?
If your father-in-law has a crash (it would not be an accident, he is an accident waiting to kill someone) and someone other than him is harmed, your guilt will be much greater than telling him he cannot drive.
Do either of the seniors have veterans benefits they can access for help around the home and yard? Do any of the local grocery stores or pharmacies deliver? I know you said you are 30 minutes out of town, but in my community that is nothing for delivery services.
What do you think would be reasonable for your sisters-in-law to do to help? One is across the country, the other across the state. Who has POA for your in-laws? Is this something one of the sisters can manage?
Would it be better for the in-laws to move closer to town? What about you, when your husband dies, will you want to move closer to town or somewhere else all together?
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