By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
When your daughter is your age, and she has a young family do you want her to make her family a priority or you? (this should be a talking point for you and your husband and the rest of the family..the "what if's" in life. Make your wishes known)
spend the time with your daughter..you will NEVER get this time back. She will graduate from High School once. She will go to Senior Prom once.
If your dad were well cognitively I am sure he would agree.
The fact is that a decent facility is designed to optimize elder socialization as well as adls.
When u married and had children, ur first responsibility was ur family. Parents are only part of ur life, they should not become all of it. Again, Dad is safe. He now relies on the staff. Thats what he pays for.
There is everything I can do to improve my kids' lives through supporting them at school, their search to try and navigate their futures, their events and even their dreams.
I make this work by limiting visits to my mom as I simply don't have enough time to support my kids, work full-time, and peruse some of my own hobbies/interests. I also try to stick to a schedule for visits that works for all of us. My mom is more coherent mid-morning, so I limit my visits to this time only.
Good luck with all of it, I know it is hard, but my advice is do what works for you and feel no guilt if that means you need to focus on your daughter and step back from your father.
His freaking out is unfortunately not nearly as damaging to him as exposure to it is to your daughter.
Hopefully, he enjoyed the love and respect of his family when he was fully able to participate in family life.
But that Dad, Grandpa, is gone now. He lives in residential care so that he can be cared for safely and lovingly. His setting was hopefully chosen with reverence and respect for who he had been, and how much richer your lives were for having had his love, and loving him.
Launching a graduating child into her new world is really a bigger broader responsibility, and I know by experience, that you only get one shot to do it. I tried, and failed, to be both.
I’m grateful to have a wonderful relationship now with my son, who had cherished his grandmother, but couldn’t let her needs become part of HIS senior year. He was so right, and I was SO WRONG.
Your father’s life won’t be significantly altered by putting him first, but your child’s might be.
Hoping respectfully that you can figure out a way to do this better than I did.
He’s lived most of his life, and she’s just starting hers. If anyone is shortchanged, it should be him.
It is time to sit with her and talk. It is time to acknowledge to HER, not to us, what she has lost through your care of your Dad. You can say you are uncertain that you did it right, that you may have given too much care to Dad and not enough to her, that you hope she never experiences being in the middle of the sandwich, owing so much to 2 generations, and tell her if she ever is you hope she will give more to her children, her first obligation, than you did.
Just let her know you recognize the ways in which she was failed.
A good and loving parent gets forgiven almost ANYTHING, especially if they go to the child and tell them they understand the places they failed.
If she says "Oh, that's OK, Mom" let her know that it WASN'T OK. And that you are sorry. And encourage her to disengage from granddad other than loving visits when SHE chooses, SHORT visits.
However, I wonder if you're overdoing the "care" side of things if Dad's in a facility being cared for already. As others have said, your daughter comes first. That's not to say you ignore a genuine emergency with Dad to watch cheerleading, but it's important to keep balance.
Daughter is learning what she sees: a tired, stressed mother who is stretched to the brink and feeling guilty on both ends… caring for a needy father and trying to care for her child, who needs her way more.