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I would invest in a security camera that allows you to watch her via your cell phone. I love mine. Walmart has nice one under $75 with live feed and two-way audio. When you ask for assistance, you should at least list your state and area to get better advise based on your area
As for you, set up what you can for them even if it means placing grandad in residential care or HUD assisted senior housing. There they will get checked on and have access to some services.
You get out and get on with your life asap....otherwise you will end up like your aunt and sucked in where it will only get worse and more isolating.
No guilt. You are young and deserve a life. They already had a life at your age not burdened with al this. Break the cycle now.
Then you go on to say you have little sympathy for those who complain about doing everything?... wow, did you think these people may have no g-damn person to talk to and absolutely no where to turn and they are literally stuck in limbo or stuck between help or walk away and abandon another human being..so they are simply releasing some pent-up truths of their own situations????
Then you say a person chooses to be in the position of care, that they dont have to be? God... Sure everyone should just throw the elder in the car and drive them to the nearest nursing home, right.... No really, have you ever read all the different scenarios that actually take place that leaves only one person in the care of another??? Have you?? I'm actually quite p*ssed about what youve said. Take me for instance, I am in literal limbo and "stuck" with having to care for my 76 yr old dementia sufferer, mom .... why? because she was wrongfully evicted from an assisted living facility (they stole nearing 10k of her belongings from her personal storage closet in her apartment, then they had the nerve to evict her after I filed 2 police reports of the thefts. She had no where to go, her lovely son first rented out, then sold her home (it was in his name...) All 3 (of 4) adult financially well-off children denied her a place to stay during that emergency (umm no we cant take you in, sorry mom) .. so I took her home. She has 4 adult children including myself, one makes over 300k per year, another well over 100k. I have placed her has on waiting lists to get into another assisted living facility, but shes extreme low income so shes Medicare Waiver recipient (meaning facilities dont exactly invite her in) ... she does not qualify for any "in-home care" state or gov assistance (because there is none) and unless I go to work which does nothing but to pay a day care provider for her because she needs 24 hour monitoring (meaning everything is coming out of my pocket of which i can no longer afford jack-sh** ,much less turn around and pay for another to come in and do the job im already not being paid for myself !! ... So unless volunteers do it, and that is a joke, its unreliable and they are strangers each time to come into my home, that is not only unsafe, but a major worry (since i have children).....So she sits in my home needing 24 hour care and monitoring and my finances cannot afford to pay another day to care for her, yet Im not being able to work the amount of hours needed to afford it all because she needs the care. Now, I could (as her other 3 kids desire and have said so verbally) dump her in a nursing home, but she is no where near that state of care needed and it would depress her severely to be surrounded by such declining individuals let alone out "nursing homes are not exactly blue ribbon categorized facilities ...So she sits here, has my care, and I cannot work as much as i need to to afford her life and mine.. its the largest d*mn mess Ive ever seen.... so dont you dare come onto here and say what you've said.
Move out and start your own life. Offer to help aunt a day or two after work and maybe a Saturday.
When I first found this site there were alot of people posting with the same attitude as sweetevelyn....if you were acting like to was an honor to give up your life in the care of another there was something defective in you. I am very glad to see more people telling the truth about how they really feel being a caregiver.
I agree with Carla. People need to have their own plan and not rely on others for 'free' care. Getting some help from family is acceptable but if you cannot do basic things for yourself it is time to get a professional involved.
When my father lived on his own I would help with the grocery shopping. And that was difficult just to try and plan my life around that. When he had a health issue he ran me ragged. Called me at work and expected me to pick up and run to his aid. He would often expect that for something as silly as a the remote not working. I changed jobs and no longer work around the corner from him so he had to learn to do alot of things on his own. But I would still get the phone calls for the daily crisis. My stomach would go into knots every time the phone would ring. Every conversation with him started with "I have a problem.....". I could no longer deal with the never ending neediness. I was willing to help him when he truly needed it but once you do that they 'need' you for everything. My life has been so much easier since he moved to assisted living.
Please don;t be hard on your siblings...they knew they could not handle being a caregiver. They were also smart enough not to get trapped/guilted into doing it. I don;t mean to be harsh but that is really what it is. I have little sympathy for those who complain about having to do everything....because you don't have to, you chose to do it. You don;t have to do everything, just do what you want to do and that's all.
There are ways to break away, but they are going to be painful. I wish she had someone else in her life so she wouldn't depend on you so much. In your position, I would be gone as much as I could. If she tries to bully you, have some excuses ready so you can get her to back off.
You seem to have a big heart. Family is supposed to protect the younger people, but there are some who will use them. I hope you can find away to let her know that she is not the boss of you. She needs to stand on her own feet, instead of on yours. I wouldn't let her dependency take away your dreams of what you want. You don't owe her that.
Tired1of4 - Yes my aunt does not work and she's never had a job for as long as I can remember. She was also taken care of either by boyfriends, friends and family. So she lives off of Grandpa's income. That is correct. If grandpa were to pass away I don't know what would happen to her or how she would live or how she will get money. All I can say about that is she chose this life and I feel as if she's trying to take me down with her.Grandpa's wishes were to take he and my grandma back to their homeland and live there til they die. However, from what I have been told is that she refused to let him go there for unknown reasons and now she's got herself in this situation and doesn't see an exit. I believe that is part of the reason why my father does not come around to help them. I also found out recently without my permission that if anything happens to her, grandpa's responsibility will fall onto me. I don't know how to feel about that and the thought of carrying such a burden has put me in a slight depressed state of mind. I'm torn between being a family man or living my life. I really don't want to carry this all on my own and it feels like she;s already done so.
JessiBelle - You are also very right in the way we're similar. Siblings don't understand and don't even attempt to help me out. All they can say is "damn I don't know how you can do it, I wouldn't be able to do that" and they just tell me that I need to leave. While I know that's what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it. The guilt trip she's put onto me is too deep. She also acts like we're in a relationship. I have to report to her at all times, when I am out, when am i coming home, you need to come home right now and help me. I can't enjoy being out without feeling guilty or thinking about them. She gets angry when I talk to people on the phone and gives me a hard hard time about everything. She knows how to drive but relies on me to drive her everywhere and her excuse would be "you're a better driver". She's just really impossible to live with.
To get back on the original topic. How can she get money when technically she has an income from my grandfather? I'm trying to push for hospice care since I can't keep on going like this. I'm not shelling out more money to her either. Grandpa is not a VA so he does not qualify for VA assistance. I've looked into things like the IHSS but our situation is a bit unique.
I thought your responses to the O-Poster was spot on, and brilliant! Thanks for your input!
The one quality, again quality, that most of the people you have so nastily labeled and said really hurtful things about all have 1 thing in common
EMPATHY. They feel in their hearts for the person they are trying to allow to age in place often taking great toll to them, their families and their own mental health. Each pf these people could make 1 phone call to Social Service and quit. That person would be in a Nursing Home before dark. You belittled and insulted us and owe us 2 things...share your caregiving experience. Maybe we might learn something. And an apology. Your tirade was uncalled for, unfair and mean. I hope you will stay aboard and play nice. Look for the book "Elder Rage" or "Take my Father, Please!" Michelle
Lots of people want to romanticize caregiving, for different reasons. For some, it truly is rewarding and labor of love, and they can't understand anyone feeling differently. But mostly I think it's folks who want to keep everyone in line with the expectation that you do everything and make every sacrifice to help elderly/disabled family members. These are mostly people who fear being cast aside by their own families in their hour of need, and want to make sure that nobody out there is going to say that that's permissible under any circumstances.
The friend I dumped for telling me "It's just what you do." is in that camp, I think. She has one son she's doted on and sacrificed for when he was growing up, and he's shown very little sign of wanting to return the favor. She needs to hold to the idea that we are obligated to take care of our parents at all costs (and no, she didn't do it for hers, as they both died young). So, when I started to chafe under my mother's incessant demands, my best friend turned overnight from being my biggest champion in life to being my harshest critic, and gave zero support when I needed it most. Thank god I have all of you to talk to! I'm so grateful for the understanding and support!
Now to hear someone come into a caregiver group and criticize, saying to ask someone else to do what we do, is hard to hear. It's not like people are lined up to help. The truth is if they care, they don't show it at all. I would absolutely love it if someone did take over for a while.
I do believe that caregivers can become mentally ill from all the stress. It goes with the territory. Many of us who were sane when we come in lose our grip on reality when dealing with someone with dementia. It bothers me when someone accuses us of complaining and being mentally ill. If we can't complain here, where can we complain. And personally I am as crazy as a bessie bug now because I've been caregiving too long without anyone else that cares.
Complaint over.