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People have no right to heap their Judgement on other's, until the've walked a Mile in Our Shoe's! Great idea's and Suggestions from both of you, BTW!
"Can I get back to you on that?"
Lol Llama.
Now to hear someone come into a caregiver group and criticize, saying to ask someone else to do what we do, is hard to hear. It's not like people are lined up to help. The truth is if they care, they don't show it at all. I would absolutely love it if someone did take over for a while.
I do believe that caregivers can become mentally ill from all the stress. It goes with the territory. Many of us who were sane when we come in lose our grip on reality when dealing with someone with dementia. It bothers me when someone accuses us of complaining and being mentally ill. If we can't complain here, where can we complain. And personally I am as crazy as a bessie bug now because I've been caregiving too long without anyone else that cares.
Complaint over.
Lots of people want to romanticize caregiving, for different reasons. For some, it truly is rewarding and labor of love, and they can't understand anyone feeling differently. But mostly I think it's folks who want to keep everyone in line with the expectation that you do everything and make every sacrifice to help elderly/disabled family members. These are mostly people who fear being cast aside by their own families in their hour of need, and want to make sure that nobody out there is going to say that that's permissible under any circumstances.
The friend I dumped for telling me "It's just what you do." is in that camp, I think. She has one son she's doted on and sacrificed for when he was growing up, and he's shown very little sign of wanting to return the favor. She needs to hold to the idea that we are obligated to take care of our parents at all costs (and no, she didn't do it for hers, as they both died young). So, when I started to chafe under my mother's incessant demands, my best friend turned overnight from being my biggest champion in life to being my harshest critic, and gave zero support when I needed it most. Thank god I have all of you to talk to! I'm so grateful for the understanding and support!
The one quality, again quality, that most of the people you have so nastily labeled and said really hurtful things about all have 1 thing in common
EMPATHY. They feel in their hearts for the person they are trying to allow to age in place often taking great toll to them, their families and their own mental health. Each pf these people could make 1 phone call to Social Service and quit. That person would be in a Nursing Home before dark. You belittled and insulted us and owe us 2 things...share your caregiving experience. Maybe we might learn something. And an apology. Your tirade was uncalled for, unfair and mean. I hope you will stay aboard and play nice. Look for the book "Elder Rage" or "Take my Father, Please!" Michelle
I thought your responses to the O-Poster was spot on, and brilliant! Thanks for your input!
Tired1of4 - Yes my aunt does not work and she's never had a job for as long as I can remember. She was also taken care of either by boyfriends, friends and family. So she lives off of Grandpa's income. That is correct. If grandpa were to pass away I don't know what would happen to her or how she would live or how she will get money. All I can say about that is she chose this life and I feel as if she's trying to take me down with her.Grandpa's wishes were to take he and my grandma back to their homeland and live there til they die. However, from what I have been told is that she refused to let him go there for unknown reasons and now she's got herself in this situation and doesn't see an exit. I believe that is part of the reason why my father does not come around to help them. I also found out recently without my permission that if anything happens to her, grandpa's responsibility will fall onto me. I don't know how to feel about that and the thought of carrying such a burden has put me in a slight depressed state of mind. I'm torn between being a family man or living my life. I really don't want to carry this all on my own and it feels like she;s already done so.
JessiBelle - You are also very right in the way we're similar. Siblings don't understand and don't even attempt to help me out. All they can say is "damn I don't know how you can do it, I wouldn't be able to do that" and they just tell me that I need to leave. While I know that's what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it. The guilt trip she's put onto me is too deep. She also acts like we're in a relationship. I have to report to her at all times, when I am out, when am i coming home, you need to come home right now and help me. I can't enjoy being out without feeling guilty or thinking about them. She gets angry when I talk to people on the phone and gives me a hard hard time about everything. She knows how to drive but relies on me to drive her everywhere and her excuse would be "you're a better driver". She's just really impossible to live with.
To get back on the original topic. How can she get money when technically she has an income from my grandfather? I'm trying to push for hospice care since I can't keep on going like this. I'm not shelling out more money to her either. Grandpa is not a VA so he does not qualify for VA assistance. I've looked into things like the IHSS but our situation is a bit unique.
There are ways to break away, but they are going to be painful. I wish she had someone else in her life so she wouldn't depend on you so much. In your position, I would be gone as much as I could. If she tries to bully you, have some excuses ready so you can get her to back off.
You seem to have a big heart. Family is supposed to protect the younger people, but there are some who will use them. I hope you can find away to let her know that she is not the boss of you. She needs to stand on her own feet, instead of on yours. I wouldn't let her dependency take away your dreams of what you want. You don't owe her that.