How do you deal with being a family caregiver?

I am not sure who is taking care of whom here but I think you need professional help in sorting this out and in finding some care for your father and grandfather, either is some ind of assisted living of in your home. also, who is responsible for paying the bills for grandfather - and father? What sources of income do they have - how far will it go? and what are the ages of grandfather and father? I would start with the County where you live. There is usually a department in the county that assists people in your situation. For sure, you cannot do this yourself - where is your life going? You may end up with a nervous breakdown if you try without professional help. Good luck and God Bless Luann30

Thank you all for responding and kind words. It definitely helps a lot knowing that there are people out there with similar experiences.

I will try to be thorough in answering some of the questions that were asked here.

First to Ferris - My grandfather is the one with Dementia and grandmother is the one with Alzheimer's. She's had it for as long as I have been born and is the one in a care home. She has been in a care home for around 15 years when my grandfather wasn't able to take care of her.

To Donna - Yes she relies on me 24/7. Gramps is almost 90 and aunt is well over 50. He's a heavy guy so I do a lot of the heavy lifting when I am around. This means as soon as I get off work I go straight home and go straight to caregiver mode. She's been having back issues that developed from the constant lifting of my grandfather over time. So she heavily relies on me as soon as I get home even though I'm already exhausted and tired. I also clean and cook and help out with giving baths weekly. Grandfather is unable to walk so everything we do is at bedside. He is unable to feed himself and unable to clean himself. I don't have time for myself anymore and rarely go out because I feel bad leaving when they need me. It's also gone to the point where she gets angry at me if I go out or want some time to myself. She treats me like a child sometimes when I am a fully grown adult. What she use to do by herself she doesn't do anymore because it has been convenient having me around to do a lot of what she does. Which has led me to become a very bitter person at home, at work and with people. I was never this way until I moved in here to help them. My dad does not want anything to do with them and I have a very strained relaitonship with my father because I've had a rough childhood but that's completely irrelevant to the topic. My siblings don't know what it's like to go through what I do everyday and I've given up seeking consolation from them because they simply cannot give me proper advice. My mental state has taken a lot of hits and my tolerance level is well above my limits. I tend to snap a lot more and be angry almost all the time. But despite all the BS I still find myself here because I love them. I don't know how to be a selfish person, I've always been selfless and put others first before me. I don't know what it's like to just take care of me and make sure that I am happy. I feel like I am obligated even though I'm not. But lately I've been ready to call it quits many times because I am not ready to give up my life just yet for their sake.

The financial situation is a bit weird. In order to afford grandmother's care, my grandfather while he was still ok used the house as a collateral and we pay a very affordable price than what it goes for normally. My grandfather also did a Reverse Mortgage on the house to get some money back because of my uncle's stupidity of using my grandfather's information to open loans, credit cards and etc. That story is such a mess too. So grandfather's money is going to paying grandmother's monthly care, repaying the bank, utilities, hoa fees, insurance, adult diapers, spool softeners, medication and so on. We've tried a few times in the past with a social worker to see what extra help we can give him but even though he doesn't make much he is ineligible for medical because he "makes too much". Aunt wanted to put him in a care home but it's way too expensive. I give her money every 2 weeks but now she's asking for more. I already also help my own mother with bills as well and its as if all my money goes to helping family and my bills. It's taken a big toll on me and feels as if I am starting to hate my life as time progresses.

He does qualify for hospice care but my aunt is being really stubborn and refuses to use it. We have had many argues over this and she's really an idiot. We need professionals and I can't keep going at this rate. She really wears me down and I fear it will get to a point where I will start regretting my words if she ever pushes my buttons.

Michael... make someone else the manager of the situation and back yourself out. If you don't do that now, you will be unable to in the future due to finances etc. Youve read many on here supporting your need to break free, but only you can do it, all the talking / reading in the world won't do anything. I am one of 4 children, I am the sole care giver of my mother.. the other 3, all live within 35 mins of her but ignore her care or my begging for help, both financially and time off... Ive lost my business, my home, my free life as I Knew it, they all know this and they could not care less...but my mother? is very well taken care of, has everything she wants or needs and has a roof over her head ... point being, get out before u go under.

Michael, establish boundaries, as long as you continue to respond to their needs they will continue to manipulate you to do what they want. Only you can break free. It will be hard for you and all involved. To cure aomething like this sometimes there is nothing better than a healthy dose of reality. Stop enabling them.

You cannot continue the burden of caregiving. You will or already have experienced caregiving burnout! Seek out help.

Michael, Michael, Michael,

Listen to us. You need to get gone from this situation. YOU'RE giving your aunt money????
1. Find a place to live. Make arrangements to move.

2. Call APS and tell them that your family will need assistance with a vulnerable adult.

3. Make yourself an appointment with a therapist and start working on your issues so that you don't ever again fall into "looking for love in the wrong place".

You sound like a really nice and decent guy. But you are being taken advantage of. This mess won't get solved as long as you are there. You need to upset the balance by leaving.

Just remember, Aunt has Power of Attorney. She's the one responsible. NOT YOU!

Rx
Go to Starbucks and/or the library for one hour after work, daily. Eat before you get home.
I am guessing that you report to your aunt everything, otherwise she would not hold so much power over you.
So, practice regaining self back by not reporting to her.

Here are some phrases: Won't be home for dinner, sure you can manage dinner.
Be home later, don't know when.

Left work late.

Don't have time to discuss this now, I'll get back to you on that.

I'm tired, we can talk tomorrow, goodnight.

Money is tight right now, we need to discuss paymenf for my services and a decrease in rent.

You need to bring in private-pay help for cooking and cleaning.

Will be gone all day for two days, get someone else to come in.

See ya later, aunty dearest, love you, bye! Be back soon.

The ski season is just beginning, won't be home very much at all.

Best answer:
I cannot possibly do that!

Hold on, and start planning your move! The worst thing for you is to live there. I experience the suicidal thoughts, too, but I/you have to believe it will get better. You would be better off moving into a friend's garage, or sleeping on a s ofa than living there. They have been dealing with those home health care needs long enough that they should have a better way to manage it. Getting an agency in there for 2 hours a day would be super beneficial, and may only cost $75-$100 a day. It's not your problem, so get out of there and think about you for a change. Once you move, do some online research about that MediCal program, to see what assistance may be available. Is anyone in the home a veteran? If so, look into those avenues, too. If they had room in the house for you, maybe they should take in a boarder, and apply that income towards some home health care.

I find myself getting mad with your family. I think we need a thread on adult children of narcissistic families. These are the families where everyone is too important except usually one child, who is used until there is nothing left of their self esteem. This child usually feels guilty if they try to have something for themselves. Still, he/she needs to do something for themselves, because the family is never going to let up. Their own needs are more important, so they continue to use the nice child.

Your aunt is only in her 50s. Does she make her living taking care of your grandfather? Or is she married and have some form of income herself? If she is unmarried and taking care of your grandfather, then basically you are being your aunt's caregiver. What would she do if your grandfather went into a facility? Would she then not have a place to go? Do you think this may be "influencing" the ability of your grandfather to qualify for state assistance?

Something feels all wrong about this situation and I can tell that you are fed up with it. I understand totally because I have a narcissistic family. They will pick your bones dry while talking like they care. Their actions speak louder than their words.

You're young. I think you would be a wonderful catch for someone looking to start a family. Give yourself a chance. I wish I could talk you out of that situation that you're in. I know how hard it is to break free, because you feel like there will be such a domino effect created by whatever you do. Maybe a baby step of finding an apartment nearby and letting your aunt know that you're stepping back, but will help on certain days at certain times. And no more money coming from you! You are not your aunt's husband or her slave. I have a feeling that she needs to get a life of her own. She's younger than most of the people here.

I hope you can unravel yourself from this. They are asking way too much of you. Don't give yourself away so easily. You're precious.

Michael, With having to build a scene from what you've said ... I'm going to assume your aunt is also living off your grandfathers budget, she most likely is simply living their with no financial input of her own, and because she's been sole full care giver, that's ok. And perhaps that's why I moved in, thinking if your going to be there helping all the time then stopping a rent situation out on your own by moving in, would be 'best affordable...but now the entire circus is too much...am I close? ... This situation can end if your grandfather A. Gets hired in-home hospice help or B. Goes to a facility. His money issues will iron themselves out the very second your aunt allows him to be placed. All monies will be allocated to his needs, and at that point perhaps he will qualify for an assistance program to pay for his needs in facility. Your aunt may be torn as well.. meaning as soon as he's placed her life becomes her financial responsibility, she may be worried of that. (One thing, your aunt can be paid to care for your grandfather if she Qualifys and if she stays in that position, check out care giver reimburment in your state) ... anyway, yes your aunt will take advantage of you, anyone would because you "are there. Perhaps sit her down, explain to her your ideals of the situation, your inytentions vs reality have now changed, that you love them all but you need to be on your own to save your sanity and to build a life as you're entitled. Give her a time limit to start placing him or finding live in care or what ever suits your situation best. Tell her she has two weeks three weeks a month whatever, to start figuring it out because you need to live your life and that you are going to do that . My guesses she is just as overwhelmed as you but in a different way beings how she's a little bit older and starting her life over out on her own will be a different type of struggle then what you will have . But Michael, she is not too old to do that, and she can do that. It's you tiger, this is your life and you can ease the change without disrupting the things you are worried about too terribly but you need to put a time limit and stick to it so that she knows you are serious. Also, the changes your personality is going through is very typical for a person who feels imprisoned it is very typical and it is very expected… The differences and the difference only happens when you make the move to leave… You can still love and you can still care about them and you can still help out on occasion but every day 24 seven is not what life is about. Your grandfather is not your child, is not your husband, your aunt is not your wife nor your spouse... what I am saying, is, you should not be in the 'position you are. Begin to back yourself out and your aunt needs to re-evaluate with clear mind and correct perception.

..."excuse the typos I had just left, I am voice typing from my phone .. for instance "correct perspective" rather than "correct perception" ...

.. I now see Jessie belle left similar advice to you .... which means start to let it sink in.

Wonderful advice from everyone.

To answer your question, I haven't dealt with it well - I have caregivers burnout - total withdrawal from the world, friends, suicidal thoughts. The result of first taking care of my mom before she passed and then/now my dad for 13 years. Gave up a great career, started my own company and gave that up. And much worse happened but I won't go into it now. I have finally, I hope, dragged myself from oblivion and have a plan. Don't let this happen to you. Take time for yourself and don't do it all yourself.

Michael: You can't and shouldn't soldier on! You'll be lucky if you can remember your own name!

I'm responding to "CarlaCB/Give A Hug" and her answer. Yes, in a perfect world it wouldn't be necessary to make sacrifices to help one's family. BUT, unless your family is made of money or has done very good pre-planning, SOMEONE has to take charge and volunteer at least some of their time when a senior starts having medical or cognitive issues. Ideally, everyone can just give a little bit to a moderate amount of time or money...But in practice, it often falls to the most giving or generous person (or the one who lives closest). Your answer, while somewhat pragmatic, reflects a certain level of insensitivity to the complexity of the issues. Maybe when it's your turn to need help, everyone dear to you will think exactly as you do, and you could then be the one abandoned when you may truly need some support or help. (Karmic justice...unless you really did give in some way such as financially to others when they needed your help). No, there is no obligation to help a family member, but if you refuse, just realize that you are contributing in all likelihood to caregiver stress on someone more giving than you, and possibly hastening the death of your loved one as well. (Would it be their "time to go"? Due to lack of enough support - whether financial or practical such as visits to a nursing home... Another philosophical question....). You may be a survivor with your attitude but I believe that you could also be just a bit more understanding and compassionate when others are in need. Good luck when you face old age yourself....

One more thing that I should clarify: As a normal rule, I don't think that most young people in their 20's should be relied on to be one of the main caregivers because they have their own identities to build at that time. However, if they are living for free with family that needs help maybe they could come up with some kind of contract for what they are comfortable doing, or what they'd like to do.
(Or contribute $ to rent that could be used for the benefit of all).

Sendme2help: Great, spot on, responses!! Kudos! That's genius!

Ladyluck - I don't have an attitude, as you term it. I have a belief system. I believe that we should all start from the premise that nobody is obligated to help us just because we're related by blood, and if they do help us, that's a gift of love to be appreciated, not an obligation to be expected. .

Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a situation where I'm called upon to fulfill an obligation I don't even believe in, and have been doing so for more than 5 years. So you are right that as a practical matter there is often a need for help and nobody really willing to do it, and somebody gets stuck. Much as I dislike it, that someone is me. What I resent most is somebody saying to me "Well, that's just what you do for family." I dumped my best friend for saying that exact thing to me. What I want people to say is "Gee, that really sucks. I'm sorry you're in that situation, having to put your life on hold indefinitely for the benefit of somebody you don't even like."

Apart from that I pretty much agree with you, especially with respect to the idea of sharing the burden of care so that no one person gets stuck with a disproportionate burden. I do a lot for my mother just so other people don't get stuck with it, other people I care about who would be even more inconvenienced or burdened by doing it than I am. That's the only thing that actually redeems this sacrifice in any way for me. I'm not saying nobody should help their family members. I'm saying nobody should expect it as a matter of course, and everyone should realize it is a sacrifice and does take away in a major way from a caregiver's quality of life.

Ladyluck, your mother is in a nursing home. Many of us have mothers who are still living in their homes and need a lot of care. It is much harder generally. I've been with my parents for seven years now. My father passed away, so now it is just my mother. It is very demanding emotionally and often physically. It is great the idea of family and all, but why would the caregiver not be considered family and worthy of some type of life? We get into this way of thinking that the elder is important and the caregiver is a family servant. It is the way of getting needs met with the smallest number of people sacrificing anything. The importance of this group to me is letting the carers know they are important and not just conveniences for their families. Caregiving can end up taking 10-20% of someone's life. It is not just a little thing that is a momentary inconvenience.

Caregiving full time 24/7/365 for someone other than one of your own children is not "life. For some reason, usually because money is limited, and other members of the family refuse to do the job or even help, someone gets stuck doing it. And that "someone" is going to suffer in great insurmountable ways. To any who may think it's an obligation .. I ask, an obligation for what ... what on earth or beyond could a person have ever done in their life to ever be beholden to another' who's life is degrading to degrees lower than infancy. Elder full time care is not at all like taking care of a child who grows, learns, changes, communicates and enjoys life with curiosity and amazement as they age and mature with each passing month ...Full time Elder-care is nothing short of being drowned in saturated duldrum, while being surrounded by repetitive acts, excessive amounts of repeate television shows, repeat words, and movements.. at times filled with bizarre dementia episodes so deep and bothersome that it causes you to cry deep tears of loss of your own life and world .... it's full of degrading bowls and bladders, inappropriate adult sounds, belching, etc etc, forgetfulness to the point of insanity, elder mood swings dealing in 75plus years of their own phychological "junk ... prejudices, likes and dislikes, poor hygiene, wills and stubbornness the size of the world ..attitudes that do not change while independent skills are either willingly or not, given-up or lost ... Toilet habits that become a nightmare. Sleep patterns and phone calls (even if ur in the other room) that make it impossible for the care-giver to ever sleep an uninterrupted night. Being exposed to repeat Idiosyncrasies that in any 3rd word country would be considered as torture and at the least, brainwashing. I could go on of what full time elder care does to the physical personal and private life of the caregiver, but you wouldn't believe it. In my mind, what Ive experienced, the only differences between full time (meaning not your career that you are compensated for and go home after a shift) I'm talking 24/7/365 days per year full time care.. having to do that for an elder is nothing less than being a complete and utter slave while also being in-prisoned.

After reading a bit more, Ladyluck, I see you go to visit your father in the nursing home very often. You also take care of many other things in his life. I did wonder how that was going for you -- if you had gotten him moved and got a car. If we knew a bit more about you personally, we would have known that you were speaking as one who knows how it is to care for someone completely.

My heart goes out to you. You are too young to take on this responsibility by yourself. I live in the east and not familiar with CA. I am an only child, lost my dad earlier this year and now my mom needs 24/7 care. I am also a retired nurse with 40 years experience, yet I know my limitations. I think starting with the office of the aging was a very good suggestion. If there are any financial resources, I'd enlist the counsel of an elder care lawyer, but it does not sound like there is. I'd also have a talk with your father. Sounds like there is bad blood between them from long ago. But now, YOU are solely involved trying to be responsible. Whatever difference there has been in the past, your father should step up to help YOU, even if it is indirect help, like researching how to get YOU help, even if your grandfather was the smuck.

I found this on my private message board from sweetevelyn.

"I find you selfish and uncaring!! She is your mother and you do have an obligation to help her. Maybe she would be better off without you! People like you think of themselves."

How sweet! No?

But, Carla, you do help your mother a lot. That message was out of left field. I guess she meant you ought to move in with her... Heck, I don't know what she meant.

CarlaCB, How Rude, more like! Sheesh!
I'm so sorry that person wrote that to you!
They Couldn't Be More Wrong! HUGS!

Oh, I just figured it out. She was upset because you spoke honestly about how you felt. I think it is a good thing to be able to speak honestly and anonymously here. We're not saints. There are a few people who have been on here that totally sacrificed themselves, but I have to admit that I found the devotion a bit over the top. We have to take care of ourselves as well as the person we are helping.