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When I question my mom about her actions over the years/decades, she always exclaims "I am depressed!" or "I was having issues!". Going back 30 years. My dad developed dementia at what I consider an early age (in his 70s) and I believe that living with her drama, outbursts, random/chaotic lifestyle contributed to his quick decline. He is in a memory care facility now, but mom rarely visits and is often nasty when she's there. Haha, she will exclaim how the other residents don't get vistors very often and have been "dumped" at the memory care facility. When I point out that she rarely visits my dad, she will say "well, that's different, I'm depressed" or something like that. Yes, the rules are always different for her, there is always an excuse. She is never to blame.
Your parents are enabling each other to sink deeper and deeper into their own bottomless well of mental illness and you are plummeting with them and enabling their behavior as well. You must put an end to this. You must no longer be their appointment secretary, their whipping post and their outlet for any derogatory abuse they choose to spew. It will not get better. Even if some days are better, things will not resolved themselves.
As difficult as it sounds, you must put an end to this. Inform them and any sibs and family that you are finished. You have tried and it hasn’t worked. Go be a mom and wife. You’re done.
Often, when parents are mentally ill, they "train" their children that they are not good/can never be good/will never be good enough. This keeps the children chained to them for a lifetime of abuse, a lifetime of hoping against hope they will one day hear the single thing that every child needs to hear from his or her parent, which is "Ya know, you're a pretty good kid! I like you. You're smart enough to do anything you decide to do with your life". They train them for a lifetime of failure, because failure is all they know, all they are good at.
The children stay for a lifetime of feeling guilty and inadequate. If this is in any way you, you will need the help of someone trained in psychology. You say that you love your parents, but in all honesty not all parents are worthy of our love. People confuse the words often. They use guilt when they mean fear. They use love when they mean desperation and despair. And they stay, hoping, hoping, hoping. They martyr themselves to a lifetime of despair.
I hope as well. I hope you will get help to untangle your life and the life of your children from these beings. Remember, as you live your life you are teaching your children how to be in the world. You are teaching them what loving strength and acceptance look like. You are teaching them self respect, respect for others, and how to be in the world.
I wish you the best. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Living with us again is not an option I can entertain. I feel lost today. Tired of always feeling guilted or manipulated. Today they turned down any support services to carry the load and help them.