How to detach from ailing, dysfunctional parents despite social pressure and feeling guilty? Near burnout after 3 years.

I can certainly appreciate your struggles.

You know what you need to do - create distance so that you don’t lose your mind. You intend to stay, but your parents safety has to be paramount. That doesn’t mean it has to be you doing the caring.

Right now I’m like a micromanager, because it’s the only way I can function. I have my MIL with dementia living with us, my father having suffered a stroke in rehabilitation center, my helpless mother at her own home, and my own two small children needing a mother’s care. My MIL receives PSW care, and I alternate other days caring for my parents in two different locations.

And I’m on an extended leave from work to be able to do this…

I’d recommend you do something similar. Micromanage support at a distance. If they can’t function without your constant help and support, then you may need to move one or both of them to a place where they’ll be safe and well looked after.

It’s not your job as their daughter to support the charade of a happy marriage. Your job is to support your parents and make sure they’re looked after. But that doesn’t mean you have to be doing everything. You are there to help with this stage of their life. Not sacrifice your own life to mask reality.

This is out of left field, but I have a question: How does your mother expect a 'broken hip' to 'get better' on its own? Cuz I've never heard of such a thing myself! When dad broke his hip, he had to have it surgically repaired with pins and rods; when my aunt broke hers, it had to be fully replaced. Lying in bed all day does not repair a broken hip, as far as I know. Although with dementia, a person can THINK their hip can be repaired by lying in bed, that's for sure!

So, I grew up with a raging lunatic for a mother who put on The Face for the rest of the world who thought (and still think) she's the nicest and dearest person they've ever met! They've never seen her sharp teeth and screeching lung capacity, nor her ability to fling pots & pans down the basement stairs where she'd proceed to hammer them up into unrecognizable blobs in short order! Nor did they have the privilege of watching her burn rubber off the driveway in the family car where she'd drive off to 'go kill herself' when I was about 4 or 5 and onward. Yep, she had and has the capability of wearing two entirely different faces, depending on who she's dealing with at any given time. And I've been The Bad Guy all along, as the only child, b/c she's painted that picture of me for the world to believe. That's what they do, these women.

I know Mean & Ugly Mom, the rest of the world knows Sweet & Lovely JoAnn.

Now that Mean & Ugly Mom moved back into my life to ruin it once again in 2011, I've had to establish very, very strong boundaries with her lest my new marriage be destroyed and my health and well being as well. She went into Independent Living with dad, then Assisted Living when dad broke his hip (poor poor her, to hear her tell it), and now into Memory Care where she's still alive at 95 in January with advanced dementia. Up until about 3 months ago, her teeth (she still has quite a lot of them) were still very sharp and her tongue was still very forked as well. Nowadays, she can't use the phone which is a blessing, but it's a sad thing to witness such a dramatic decline of a once vibrantly mean and pointedly insulting woman who can no longer BE that way; no longer use such hateful and hurtful words anymore. Or many cohesive words at ALL, in reality. That is a nice change, but the new person that's replaced Mean and Ugly Mom is equally upsetting, really. It's still a lose-lose situation for me, and likely for her, too. There's still no real relief, if you know what I mean.

People like this age badly; their venom turns to dementia which turns into something unimaginable that goes on and on and ON, for forever it seems, in some kind of karmic way that won't end well, I think. People that wear these masks are just destined to turn into a different kind of mask, one that is still hurtful and troublesome, right to the bitter end, with the dementia taking over everything, if that makes any sense. I'm rambling, I guess, but I'm seeing this now with my mother and it's mind boggling, really. She keeps morphing into worse and worse versions of herself as the dementia rages on; it seems impossible to get any worse, but it keeps doing so!

Step back as much as you can b/c watching their self-destruction (b/c that's what it IS) will take another huge toll on YOU, as it has me. It won't end well b/c it's never been 'well' to begin with. It's all a big act and when the final curtain comes down, I think we all lose. Save yourself as much as you possibly can by setting down boundaries boundaries & MORE boundaries.

Wishing you peace, Godspeed and self care as you journey through this part of their lives.

You could tell them it has been an honour to assist them for so long but the next stage of life is upon you all & will bring changes. Change is life afterall!

You don't have to spell it out to them... but you have given them a wonderful gift. Of your time & help - from their independent stage of life into *semi-independance*. Now it is time to step back into your own life so they can adjust to their new reality. You could think about this as a new 'gift'. A gift in honesty to help them adapt to their reality.

Will they Age in Place (with their team of caregivers) or move to Aged Care (assisted living)? This will be up to them.

Every month you stay being their solution to everything, will delay them finding the solutions they need.

Let the reality show begin!

What has rather helped me when I HAVE to be around egotistical overtalkers ( best thing is to not be with them of course, but…reality sometimes…) is a ‘skill’ I call ‘Active Non-Listening.’ Most people who love to hear themselves talk won’t notice if you’re not listening, but bonus if you can mutter ‘hmm mm’ ands keep a straight face. I can’t tell you the hours I’ve spent making grocery lists, writing stories, etc..in my head and the talking person I’m trapped with has no clue I’m in my own outer orbit. With practice this skill can be mastered ;)

’Active Non-Listening’ has come in tremendously handy for Thanksgiving, for example!

I hope you get some more space soon, best of luck to you!!

UnKraut68,

Countrymouse is right. Your parents won't be lonely as long as they have an audience to perform to. It doesn't matter who the audience is.
It's time for you to take back your own life. Your parents are self-absorbed narcissists. They do not expect their needs and demands to be the sole priority of the entire world. No. They expect their needs and demands to be the sole priority of YOUR world and that has to stop.
You were never supposed to be their parent, which is what you are and have been since you were a kid. Me too. I refuse to be my mother's parent. Like you, I was completely used up and sucked dry from a very young age. Parents like ours don't consider how much their dumping on us from a young age affects us or how it will affect them in their old age when they really need help. When it's not just drama and performances.
Get together with your brother and have a serious talk. Tell him that you and him have to work together to come up with a care plan for your parents because you refuse to do it.
Your parents either have to go into assisted living or move in a live-in caregiver.
In the meantime, you need to learn how to ignore with love.
Stop taking their calls. Let them go to voicemail then listen to the voicemail. If it's not an emergency, don't call back. If you do decide to call them back, the second any complaining starts or your mother tries to use you as a go-between to communicate with your father, tell her you're not playing that game anymore and hang up the phone. If you're visiting in person, get up and leave.
You are not a psychologist or their marriage counselor. If you want to do them a favor, put them in touch with one.
Learn how to Gray Rock as well if you have to. This means limiting contact with them and refusal to discuss anything that cannot be answered with a simple 'yes' or 'no'.
Have a talk with your brother about a care plan for them then bring it up to your parents, If they refuse to move to an assisted senior community or outside hired help, there's nothing you can do. Walk away and let them fend for themselves. Sure, you might get some judgment from your community over it, but anyone who's ever had to deal with a care situation like yours (and there are a lot of us around) they will understand. Good luck to you and your son and remember you're his parent not theirs.

UnKraut, I doubt they'd be lonely - they'd just pick the nearest person to be their audience instead. I can't help feeling disapproval for their use of you as just that, the audience to their melodrama, even though it's really not for me to judge.

Try to love them "warts and all" but don't be an active participant. Anything they have to say about each other, insist they say either *to* each other or not at all - at least when you're around. But old habits die hard, I don't suppose I can suggest anything you haven't already thought of.

Thinking about it I think they hate me for being a potential whistleblower to their public image. Like a narcissist sets a smear-campaign against a victim in motion in advance to protect his image, my parents minimize my help in front of others so that I'd be seen as "the crazy one" should I ever complain in public.

What's that Mae West line? - about a girl should always keep a diary, because one day...

For whose benefit are you helping to maintain this facade?

If you really can't hire services to meet their needs, then wear ear plugs - literally or metaphorically, whichever you find easier. Saying unsmilingly "I am not going to listen to this" has stopped people I haven't wanted to hear, I know; have you ever had a chance to try it on either of them?

"Protecting yourself is important, defending yourself is not."

Thank you, Daughterof1930, for your helpful input. Though slightly different you situation seems very relatable.
I still justify myself all day long (mainly inside my own head) and permanently seek the final "permission" to drop the rope. Not so easy to change a conditioning of 50+ years. I wish it would not mean so much to me that our doctor validated my perception. If one has been gaslighted for decades it is ashamingly difficult to find one's own compass again.

BUT if there's one thing making all that nightmare worth it is that I am finally forced to let go of the rose-colored glasses concerning my upbringing by my oh-so-"golden" parents. It was long overdue.

I had a dad very beloved by the community, deservedly so. But I also had/have a dysfunctional mess of a sibling, most likely with undiagnosed mental illness, always protected, defended, and bailed out of jams by dad. There was always a very warped dynamic between them, and many times I’d get caught in the web. Many uncomfortable conversations with people in the community trying to clear up some misunderstanding caused by my sibling. Not saying your situation is the same as it clearly isn’t, but I found what worked for me. I’d discuss neither one with the other, quickly answered inquiries out in the community “doing great, thanks for asking” I stayed out of their relationship and it’s inherent drama. I decided what I could reasonably do to help my dad, did that and nothing more. When he needed more help, he resisted until he couldn’t and then hired a wonderful helper I found for him. Protecting yourself is important, defending yourself is not. Let them wallow in bad decisions and frailty until they accept help. I wish you peace and calm

UnK, welcome. I am going to make one comment, about your "golden" parents.

Their reputation is a lie and you should discard it like the rag that it is. I grew up in a small town, so I know whereof you speak.

Focus on what your parents need, not what the crowd thinks you should do.

In your shoes, I think I woukd step back and maintain a fiction that "they are fine". If someone thinks they are not, please invite them to call Adult Protective Services.

Two can play at the "fiction" game you know, and as an adult child, you have NO legal obligation to provide hands on care or counseling for your dysfunctional parents.

@ Geaton777
Thank you for your swift answer, it helps me a lot. To answer your questions:

- My mother has been diagnosed 3 years ago with vascular dementia when my father fell, broke his shoulder and was hospitalized for some weeks. He had covered up her dementia before which then became obvious. I was the only one around to step in and have been involved ever since.

- Since he is frail but clear-minded he still has DPoA over her, so all major decisions go by him.

- Both live in their home, 2 miles away from me. So I am the one available whenever they need me and I see them on an almost daily basis. I also deal with their doctors, secondary caregivers plus all extended family (brother, aunt etc.).

Their marriage has been hell since I remember (behind closed doors of course). Her suffering from dementia is not making it easier since she keeps reproaching him stories with other women from decades ago. I might add that he - though still clear-minded - responds to her reproaches in a very insensitive way which upsets her even more.

Both of them has always been taken me and my empathy for granted. Considering practical questions of their care they are very stubborn and want to keep things as they are with no stranger to "meddle" in their affairs. They hardly accept any "stranger" to get an insight in their intimate affairs. But I informed them that I could not hold up the frequency of seeing them anymore since it seriously affects my and my son's life.

Thank you again for your encouragement to ignore the small town gossip. It is just tough to be asked on every grocery shopping about the well-being of my parents when nobody gives a toss about the well-being of my son or me.

Can you give us more practical details, like are you the DPoA for either of them? If not, who is?

Do either of them have an actual diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment in their medical records?

Are they living in their own home? Or with you?

Please understand that dementia makes a person less able to empathize with others. I'm sorry about their marital drama but their marriage and it's problems are still in their long-term memory so they couldn't move forward towards forgiveness even if they wanted. Their reason and logic skills are also evaporating.

I realize it is easier to say it than to live it, but you must ignore what others think about you and the quality of care you provide. If you continue to care about their gossip it will cause you to make poor decisions.

Also, I think by this point most people don't believe everyone is totally "golden"... If they believe that, they are just naive -- or don't really know anyone very well at all. I wish you courage, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make the wellbeing of your child and yourself a priority in all of this. You've been doing yeoman's work so please feel good about that.