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Go tour some local Assisted Living Facilities yourself. Speak with the RESIDENTS and the STAFF. Ask them how THEY like living and working there. That will determine which place is best for your parent. I also suggest you select a privately owned AL rather than a Corporate owned one..........the privately owned places are MUCH better and easier to deal with the management/billing/nursing, etc. Corporate owned facilities have one thing in mind: the bottom line numbers.
Best of luck!
Please learn from my ignorance. I truly did not realize what I was signing up for. Everyone has different circumstances so it truly isn’t fair to compare each other. Emotions can get the best of us if we lead with our hearts.
We can’t see the future. No one can. There are no guarantees in life. The only constant is change. The changes became overwhelming for me.
It effects the caregiver the most but spills over to husbands and children too. Of course, the elder is effected as well.
For what it’s worth, I would not ever be a primary caregiver again. It destroyed the mother/daughter relationship and now I grieve for what could have been.
You may want to consider not putting yourself in the same situation as I did.
It’s a very isolated life. You will no longer be free to socialize with friends. You will miss privacy with your spouse and children.
I tried. I failed. I’d like to think that I succeeded in some areas. I think if all involved were to be completely honest they would have to say that I wasn’t a complete failure even though they did their best to make me believe that I was. It’s horrible how those of us who have done the most, sacrificed everything, set ourselves up for the worst betrayal.
I have cried a river. It’s okay. I had to release the pain. I have much to be thankful for in spite of everything. I have to remind myself of that because otherwise I could allow myself to go into a very dark place. As it is I suffer from bouts of depression.
My dad used to try and manipulate me into promising to take care of him when he got old. I said ,"I promise to find a good home for you."
I don't do manipulation from my family. It is hateful in my opinion and it is never okay to obligate someone to do the unknown at any and all expenses to them, that is not what a loving parent does.
Statistically 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for, who asks someone to put their life at that kind of risk so they don't have to do anything they don't want?
Fear: drill down to what the actual fear is. "Assisted living" is not a real fear. It's a catch-all for something else such as having to leave their home. What you can do is, instead of giving into the fear by making a promise over which you have zero control over keeping, help your parent figure out what renovations can be made in their home to help them age in place. A raised toilet, grab bars, a shower chair help reduce accidents in the bathroom, which remains the #1 room in the house where accidents happen.
Obligation: whether your parent admits it or not, they expect a commitment from you in their old age. And some parents have high expectations! Be clear with your parent that you cannot make any promises - you are not marrying them - and that you will help them however you can including figuring out what's best and helping them make reasonable decisions. As soon as their expectations become unreasonable, all bets are off and you must do what keeps them safe whether they like it or not.
Guilt: guilt is for when you do something wrong but parents often lay guilt trips on their children when they want to control the child. It's a tool of manipulation. Rather than be honest with themselves and their children that aging is not for the faint of heart, they resort to guilt, which is lazy and dishonest but nonetheless can be very effective in getting them what they want which is CONTROL. And in old age, one loses control over many things.
Help your parent by being forthright and honest. Tell your parent what you can and cannot do and how you can and cannot help. If you are married, that discussion happens first with your spouse before ever reaching your parent's ears.
Always be vigilant about establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Finally, in my opinion no one should take on the monumental task of caregiving for anyone without having the authority to do so i.e. durable power of attorney both medical and financial. That may involve a family meeting about who gets what powers and why.
That is pure manipulation on their part don't fall for it, forget about the promises, do what is best for all..not just them.
I think you need to get at the root of his fear.
"I promise I wont abandon you".
Another answer stated exactly what I would say, "I promise not to abandon you". That is the best answer you can give and an honest one.
Having 3 parents go thru so much pain and being on call constantly even after she was admitted to the NH, left us drained and wary of our own mortality so, we preplanned our final arrangements and paid for them and instructed our 2 children that they were NOT to try to care for us if/when the time came but, they were to put us in a NH or AL. Which ever one the dr suggested. This released them from any responsibility and left them able to live their lives, not ours.
Unfortunately for me, my husband was diagnosed last December with severe stress, anxiety, depression and dementia that was leading to Alzheimers. So now, I have that to look forward to. I didn't get any rest between moms passing and my husbands illness starting.
I hope one day, your future will be filled with nothing but peace and joy.
Yes, there will still be unpleasant memories. I deal with those everyday.
I suffer with depression because of the memories. I hope to find peace in my heart, mind and soul.
The intense pain turns into a dull ache. Time heals in some ways. Other times, the lingering over what could have been hurts so much.
There are some days that are better than others and I am grateful. Other days, I want to bury my head under the covers and not do anything.
I learn from people like you who have been through the mill and still show enormous strength. Your story is amazing to me. May you be richly blessed in your remaining days on this earth and beyond. Hugs!