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Adding to my earlier post. I like what you wrote about having to “let her go.”
You have a realistic view of your mother’s situation.
Your outlook is much healthier than someone who isn’t willing or able to accept changes in life.
The beginning of life and the end of life are polar opposite experiences.
The beginning of life is filled with discoveries and adventures. We look forward to a future.
At the end of our lives, we are slowing down. All of us will eventually say goodbye to the vibrancy of our youth and middle aged years.
We face a much different set of circumstances in our older years.
This time of our lives is also tough for us as caregivers because so often it brings to mind our own mortality.
You will get through this. We are here for you. Reach out anytime.
I suggest that instead of holding that your are "losing" her - embrace her as changing. Think of the reverse of childhood. You don't know what a baby or toddler is thinking. They have no language or have only limited language. Yet we (okay, most of us) love and cherish babies and toddlers. I'm not saying the developmental processes are identical, but they ARE similar in ways. I believe the soul is the soul regardless of how it expresses outwardly.
Just food for thought.
Caregiving is never easy. We experience many different emotions during this time. Honor your feelings. They are normal. It’s okay to validate how you feel.
Mother and daughter relationships can be complex, which makes it difficult at times.
When dementia is added to the mix, it becomes even more challenging.
There were so many times that I felt sad for my mother as she grew older. I felt sad because I was powerless to help in any substantial way. We all do the best that we can.
I couldn’t take away my mother’s Parkinson’s disease, dementia and other issues. I couldn’t give her independence back to her. Our lives change as we age.
You are doing all that you can by overseeing her care. It’s heart wrenching to watch our parents decline.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
When my mother first started introducing me to everyone as her mother, I turned around to look at her, expecting to see her laughing. She wasn't. She truly thought of me as her mother. And in a sense I was. We become the parent and they revert to being the child.
I looked back over her life too, with sadness for all we didn't have together, and all she'd missed out on with her complaining and bitterness. But it was HER life, Chris, not mine. I did everything I could do to make her life better, but she never gave up the chance to tell me what a rotten job I'd done at it. But it wasn't my fault that she was so old and sickly, or that we had a damaged relationship of 64 years. It was just sad, but not fixable, so it had to be endured. The dreaded visits to the Memory Care facility. The harsh words, the accusations, the ugliness, all of it. Watching my mother fade away into an unrecognizable person was gruesome. Right up until she became comatose for a week and then died at 95.
Only then was she finally free of what tied her down on earth and kept her anxiety ridden and agitated in her wheelchair. And it freed me too, honestly, to get off the 10+ year roller coaster of fear, sadness, resentment and stress I had been on with her.
She's at peace now, and so am I. It's a terrible road to get from where you're at now to a point of peace for both of you. May God grant it to both of you sooner rather than later.
There are all sorts of emotions.
Sadness, fear, "guilt" (and I put the quotes around that because we feel guilt but there is no reason to feel guilty).
With the decline of a parent comes the sorrow that you are going to lose a part of what made you who you are.
Education is what will help you. Learn the stages, learn what she will be going through. You can anticipate the next decline she will have.
But also appreciate what she can still do, what she can still enjoy while you also mourn what she is losing.
Don't let the little stuff bother you and most of the stuff we fret over is little stuff.
Don't argue over stuff. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has dementia. It will frustrate you as well as the person with dementia.
Just drop the subject, walk away. Try again in 5 minutes, 30 minutes or in a day.
Learn the art of "Therapeutic fibs" they can be a life saver.
Definitely don't beat yourself up. It is what it is and you can't go back and try to fix the past.
This is some of the worst grief there is.
It leads us to a place where we long for the death of our love one as the only relief we can find for THEM as they suffer loss after loss after loss and for us as we stand witness to it.
You are so ahead of so many who ascribe what they feel to guilt. Who expect that they can be Saints or Gods and capable of the omnipotence to change this. You understand that this ia about grief.
I am so sorry, but I am so glad to find someone so in tune with the whole truth of what this is and what can be done about it. My heart goes out to you. And my thanks for posting this.
She has been in Memory Care for over three years now. I always have to pray in the parking lot before I go in. The emotional trauma of watching the downhill slide every week is too much to handle alone. God gives me the grace for another visit, then I leave and repeat the whole process.
Hardest thing I’ve ever been through, in my life.
I congratulate you on making the decision to move mom into a care home. Professional care means so much, not only to them but to us. If you were doing her personal care yourself, think how much harder it would be! I've done it and I know.
Good luck to you and your mother as you make your way down this unpredictable path. Please understand that you are not alone.
Counseling is good. In person support groups for carers/ children of parents with dementia. To me, this forum is actually the best support group!