How to cope when they won't take care of themselves but say they don't want to die?

I'm really sorry you are going through such a horrible thing with your mother. Truth is, you can't care more about her than SHE does, you know? My brother in law just died of complications from COPD and refusing to quit smoking. While we all feel sad that he died at 70, he died on HIS terms. We had to throw away most of his belongings b/c they were so saturated with smoke that we couldn't even donate them.

My birthmother died alone and in pain because she refused to take chemo treatments for cancer. Again, she died on HER terms.

I don't know if either of my family members were afraid to die or 'didn't want' to die, but apparently their desire to live life on their terms outweighed any fear of death they may have had.

We can't have things both ways in life. We can't live a lifestyle where we neglect ourselves 100% and expect to live to a ripe old age. What irritates me the most is hearing stories like yours where the parent is causing so much pain and heartache for her children in the process of killing herself due to self neglect. That is selfish and unnecessary.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for acceptance of the life your mother has chosen for herself. I'm sorry you are witnessing her decline. I sincerely hope you are taking care of YOURSELF during this hard time and getting away from the scene as much as possible.

Very few of us "want to go" but "going is inevitable, especially when we have neglected ourselves. Only answer to her is "I am so sorry Mom. I wish there was a way I could help."
You mother, like the rest of us, in in charge of her own life, and the consequences of her behavior. I am uncertain whether or not you live with her, or she with you; I hope not. But whether she does or not, she likely, at only 64 years of life, has at least 10 to 15 years of life left, no matter the abuse she heaps upon herself. I would, were I you, move on with your own life, and making it a good quality of life. You know your options, and often staying embroiled in a difficult situation is easier than moving out and moving forward. It is what we "know", hence what we are comfortable with. Do consider some therapy for yourself to comb out what your choices are and what you wish to do, and to support you as you move into your future. Your mother has made her choice. See to it that she isn't making YOUR choice.

My dad is an alcoholic. He lives alone in another state. His drinking and neglect of his body has cost him both of his legs. I have children and now grandchildren. Since he is also abusive, I do not allow him to have much input into my life. He also chooses not to have a relationship with me. So, the situation is sad, but I won't let a person who abuses himself and others ruin more lives.

When people are like this - bad behavior and mental and physical issues - YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. They bring many problems onto themselves so they must lie in their beds with the consequences. Consider a caretaker or placing her. YOU need to live YOUR life now so it is best for you. Do not take on this burden. It will destroy you.

You mentioned in your post that your mom "has severe mental health issues". One of the hardest issues to deal with is expecting an irrational person to act in a rational manner". My heart breaks for the agony your mom is putting you through. Without knowing what her specific mental issues are, obviously the eating disorder is front and center, it's hard to offer specific advice. Is she under psychological or psychiatric care?
Sonetime, the only thing you can do is sit back and watch the pieces fall.
You are not going to be able to change her. All you can do is change your reaction to her behavior.
I' m not a medical person, but her actions strike me as the actions of a controlling individual. She promises this, then does that. Meanwhile she has you jumping thru hoops to try to make her healthier and happier. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like its going to happen.
Please start taking care of yourself. Talk to a counselor, your pastor, your spouse, your best friend. Let them reassure you that you have done all you can for her, now it's up to her. Prepare yourself for her passing, because no matter what, she will pass; just like the rest of us when our time is up. But IT IS NOT NOW, NOR WILL IT EVER BE YOUR FAULT. Huge hugs to you, you are a rock star for handling what you are faced with.

Her actions speak louder than her words. I am sorry to say this but, it sounds like she uses her "fear" to manipulate you.

You CAN NOT care more about her wellbeing than she does. It will tear you to pieces.

You should stop listening to her words and start believing her actions. You need to create and enforce boundaries to protect yourself. She doesn't get waited on, she gets up and sees to her own needs. She can't get to the bathroom, then she wears depends and deals with the mess herself.

She is far to young to be laying in bed saying she wants to live and actively pursuing death by laying in bed all the time.

These are her choices and you are not responsible for her choices, please do not beat yourself up because she won't put any effort into her own health. Try to take care of you and don't let her guilt you or create fear for her fate or make you obligated to support her self neglect. She is choosing to die and I think that I would tell her to figure out how to get over that fear, because she is burning the midnight oil to deaths door with her actions.

It does suck to watch a parent basically kill themselves but, they are adults and we can only do our best. When that doesn't work we have to step back and realize that they are in control of themselves, as we are of ourselves.

Maybe some tough love and encouragement to get ready to meet her maker will open her eyes to what she is choosing.

As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...

This is really nothing new, since you say this has been ongoing for 8 years. No matter how much we want to help someone help themselves, they have to not only have the desire, but have to put in the effort too. We can't force it. Certainly with a child we can put our foot down and do what is necessary, but not with an adult.

About the best I can think of is have a heart to heart with her and state clearly that you would like to help, but you can't make her do anything. If she is willing to work with you and make an effort, you will continue to do what you can. If she won't work with you, then all you can do is provide supplies and a little compassion, but that's about it.

You should NOT take on guilt for any of this as it is up to her to make the effort to improve. It's hard, because we often want to help, we want to make their life better, but if she won't do it, then it is NOT your fault, whatever happens.

You are not the parent here and shouldn't be acting like one.

Your mom knows exactly what she's doing and has chosen her lifestyle.

You need to accept this and let her do her own thing as there is nothing you can do about it and you shouldn't spend whatever amount of time left fussing, arguing, ect when you and mom are together.

You should know by now she isn't going to change unless she decides to, so let her live her life the way she wants.

Life is short, make as many Happy Memories as you can.

Enot the time ya'll have together, be positive and supportive and don't be a nag or condescending to things your mom says.

If she says she's going to stop smoking, don't come back with...Negative things like mom, you've been saying that for years but just say That's Great mom, that would be awesome.

It's hard to change but having a good attitude is a must.

Your Motto around your mom should be No Negatisum always be positive.

Don't worry about mom watching TV all day, evidently she likes it or she doesn't think she has anything else to do.

Instead of being bothered by all her TV watching, get her to go out to lunch with you, ect to get her out of the house. Go to Church where she can meet some friends.

When you go to visit, bring a puzzle and start working on it with her.

Bring a couple Paint by Number sets for ya'll to do a little painting.

Bring over some coloring books, I color with my Grands and enjoy it.

Maybe you and your mom can join a gym or go fir walks.

Bring Beads and ya'll make some bracelets.

But in the end it is your Mom's choice what she does with her own body.

Prayers

Wonderful answers already. Older people tend to regress and it feels like her behavior is a bid for you to take care of her like a child. There is little you can do but perhaps talk to her physician. Does she need an anti-depressant? Take care of yourself

I am so very sorry for your situation. I have enormous empathy for addicts and those whom are hurt by their actions. My brother died from consequences due to his addiction. It’s certainly a roller coaster ride!

Many of us love our family members and see them as human beings first. Of course, we are heartbroken when they aren’t able to find the strength to seek help. Even if they do and manage to stop their destructive behavior for a time, the urges are so intense that the majority of people relapse. It’s terribly sad. My brother got his life back on track, married, had beautiful children, and owned a successful business. He lost it all due to relapsing.

I found it tremendously helpful to speak to a therapist about my feelings. It’s damaging to us if we remain judgmental of others and hold onto to bitterness. Trust me, I speak from experience. I watched my brother destroy himself. When I didn’t understand the nature of addiction, I harshly judged him and made us both miserable.

It is liberating to forgive. Not necessarily for the other person, but for ourselves. A weight is lifted off of our shoulders because when we forgive, they no longer have any power to hurt us. It takes a bit of practice to change our attitude and quite a few hours in therapy but the time invested is absolutely worth it.

My brother had his issues but when he was sober he was one of the kindest souls on this earth. This helped me see the entire picture of who he was, I saw him take in homeless people so they wouldn’t be out in the cold. Sometimes, people who have suffered the most end up being the most compassionate.

My sweet grandmother used to say that there is good and bad in all of us. I find this to be very true. Grandma never condoned bad behavior, but she never degraded a person either. She had a gift of showing people that they had value and a purpose in their lives. She had pure love in her heart. I am not a grandmother but if I were, I would hope to have unconditional love in my heart like her. She prayed for all of her grandchildren daily.

Every situation is different. I can only speak for myself. You will have to choose the correct path for you. It served me well to start focusing on myself. That is when my healing began.

The truth is that we don’t have any power to heal others, but we can work towards our own healing. Certainly, we can encourage, but we can’t force anyone to accept help. Try to remain neutral. I wouldn’t point fingers or devalue someone that is struggling. Most people don’t respond to ultimatums or insults. They are broken and sometimes extremely harsh treatment will only drive them deeper into their addiction, anxiety and depression. They will avoid you like the plague.

I completely forgave my brother in hospice as he was dying and I will admit that I wasn’t even sure that I would be capable of doing so. As I drove to his hospice house, I quietly prayed to God for His grace to feel nothing but love and forgiveness. My brother died in peace. I will always be grateful to hospice for the wonderful care that he received.

This is a terribly frustrating and sad situation but we must accept and respect that others aren’t perfect and are free to live life as they choose. We can hold onto the negative feelings or we can do our best to let go of it. Letting go freed me from the agony that I was in.

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.