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I always say nothing gets an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
A flowchart provides which other services will be involved after the initial contact.
Eg child/elder/animal neglect/abuse to relevant child/elder/animal Welfare Depts. Vermin/pests to Health Dept. Lack of pathways & hoarding of flammable materials to Fire Dept - smoke alarms can be mandated.
Mental health concerns can be escalated to Psychiatric Triage.
I believe Psychiatric triage covers a wide range, mental illness but also including any apparent lack of reasoning.
This is where undiagnosed cognitive decline, dementia would fall.
The OP's Dad has dx dementia. There would need to be some assessment of her Mom's abilities to declide the next steps.
It may be plain overwhelm. With some help to decide differently, Mom could accept help & stay in her home - with more home services/cleaning/personal care help for Dad. Or be assessed for & treated for depression. Or of she has some cog decline, this be assessed fully.
However, the alternative is to skip all that. Skip this step.
Just wait until an actual crises happens to force change. This is a valid choice. But it may have serious, or even life threatening consequences.
Dad would choose to stay in his home no matter what the conditions are. Mom would refuse any kind of help and wouldn’t participate in any kind of counseling.
So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and completely guilt ridden. The neighbors probably wonder why I don’t do more to help them. My only sibling has retreated to another state, rarely visits and takes no accountability for anything so I am feeling like this is all on my shoulders to deal with.
The person I hired probably saved my own life by helping to share the stress. I didn’t realize this at the time but I needed the support (mentally more than anything) to get through the tough decisions. My Mom is now in a nursing home with severe dementia. Not the the life I wanted for her as she aged but the key is that she is safe and always looked after.
I could share many more details so please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help you the best I can. Tackling this alone is not the answer. You need a team (at least a teammate) and for me that was my geriatric care manager.
Good luck! It won’t be easy but you will get through this!
I would also call your local police non-emergency number for a wellness check on your dad.
If you do nothing, eventually one or both of them will either be taken out by ambulance and the other will shortly follow.
If you report them to APS, the county will probably dictate what happens (if they gain guardianship or your Mom gets written up for neglect or abuse of your Dad). Your Dad most likely would be removed to a Medicaid facility by the guardian. Not sure what will happen to your Mom but the township may insist she clean up her home or get a citation. It differs by state/county. She won't clean it up and neither should you.
None of the scenarios have a pleasant outcome. It's a matter of choosing a "least bad" option. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.
Senior Services:
https://lacounty.gov/residents/seniors-older-adults/health-wellness/
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