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I came to think of it like an 'oppressive fog' that changed form & texture. Heavy & smothering with obligation to visit, then a 'depression hangover' afterwards. Or guit if a avoiding going.
I tried to pull it apart to see what it was made of.
The obligation to visit was coming from me. Because I thought I should. Because that's what 'good daughters' do. The toxic fallout later was not really like depression to me. More like a sprain. Like I had been pulled in to try to 'fix' but I couldn't so was just left bent out of shape.
Depression to me is slowing down, a stop. Where the mind stops the body from moving until the feelings can be felt at a safe speed.
I don't know any other cure than recognising the sadness, which you are 💙. And time.
Please don't feel guilty for you have done nothing wrong. What you're actually feeling is grief. Grief that you're losing the dad you love to this horrible disease, and that there's not a darn thing you can do about it.
Lewy Body dementia as I'm sure you're aware, is one of the more aggressive of all the dementias, so his decline will be quicker than most. But you have to take care of yourself along this journey as well. The fact that he is being well taken care of where he's at, should bring you some comfort and peace. And even if you cut your visits back, you can still call and talk to someone at his MC to see how he is doing.
Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you and your family.
I don't offhand know of any medication that can make anyone feel great about being in memory care (at least until they're past knowing or caring where the heck they are period). What activities are available? And what sort of activity interests your father?
How are you going about trying to support your mother?
So. If the Memory Care is really nice, what are his main complaints? I mean, specifically. How do the staff respond when your father says he wants to leave, for example? The thing is your idea of really nice may still be wildly different from what's acceptable to your Dad. If you can identify the major irritants it may be that a different approach will help.
I'm not sure (I expect you aren't either) whether you want permission not to visit or advice on how to make the visits less painful, or what. Are there any other factors contributing to your depression?
firstly great that you have sought treatment for how your feeling.
do you have brothers sisters family friends who could also visit?
im in a similar situ; dad has had a rapid decline over the last three months and is now in bed 24/7, we are waiting for a formal diagnosis of vascular dementia but during his hospital stays the doctors have said that’s what it is. it’s hard when our loved ones aren’t settled. I wondered if he might say different things to a different visitor; is it because your his daughter? Maybe that might take the pressure off your visits….
when did they change his meds? Maybe they need a little more time to kick in.
know that he is in a place where he is safe and being cared for. That’s what I keep reminding myself. I guess it takes time for us all to adjust. It’s hard though.
sending love xxx