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2. Detach with love. Easier said than done, but the sooner you realize what you can (and can't) control with this situation, the happier you and your husband will be.
Been there...done that...life is now much better.
Sounds familiar! :-) Wayne
I wanted her to have home health care continued; I wanted to help her move about more. but all my efforts have failed. If I can't get somone to move about more than it's out of my hands. After they are gone, I can, with a clear conscience, say "hey. look, I tried to help them". no one can take that away from me. Look, I've gotten very tired from doing caregiving for 16 yrs now. I've never been married. Have no kids. I feel that my life belongs, somehow to them. I feel like I'm in prison. I live in a gated community, so I feel like I'm trapped here while I'm at home. All around, not good.........not good. I don't even have a chance to follow ice hockey anymore. Oh well, this too, shall pass. I've become emotionally disconnected and tired. Physically drained. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. :-) wayne
Boy, now, does that sound familiar! :-) LOL Wayne
Even if you did take her in, care for her hand and foot, and did exactly what she says she needs, she would not be happy. The ONLY person who can make her happy is her. So do yourself a favor, make sure she's got the care she needs, rather than what she wants, and then take care of yourself. Have some fun. When the guilts set in, tell yourself firmly that you've done everything you possibly can, and you have a RIGHT to your own life. :D
old people preserve their energy for the things that are important to them. nothing wrong with that..
Translation: give them tools so they can achieve a modicum of self-reliance. Then walk away and see how they manage by their lonesome. At least they'll never say you never tried to help. ... Actually, they might say it anyway; just to keep playing the victim or for the thrill of b___g about something. It gives them a sense of purpose sometimes.
You say Mom has been this way most of her life, and everyone here is talking about a good psych evaluation. That is an excellent idea. BUT, let's back up a moment. Has she ever had a really thorough physical examination? Has her vitamin B levels been checked? How about her thyroid function? Either of these being off kilter can cause depression like symptoms. Is she on medications and if so, has anyone taken a good look at what she is on, the dosages, and if they might be the cause of her problems? I would highly suggest beginning with a thorough physical examination with blood testing, then going ahead with a pysch evaluation. Things going awry with the body can and do affect the mind/brain.
I've suggested, pleaded, shouted, cried for my dad to do something other than sit in front of the TV and whine about how bored he is. I now realize that he either won't or thinks he can't and the result is the same either way. Now I just refuse to listen to him complain about his boredom. When he complains, I tell him I can think of a dozen things for him to do, so if he's bored, it's by his own choice and I won't listen to it.
I have had several residents who had similar issues. Family brought them to our facility and talked about how much they hoped they would become involved with all the activities. I always asked if they had always been social and when the answer was " no, she always kept to herself" I tried to get them to understand that she was unlikely to change now.
You have done your best here. You have found her a safe, comfortable place to be that provides her with the option of socialization. The rest is her choice.
We had a similar issue with my Grandmother becoming more and more house-bound, after my Grandfather died, finally spending most of her days laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Fill in the blank for all of the (bogus) excuses of why she couldn't do this, couldn't do that, or why it was "impossible" for her to do something else. After 10 years of this inactivity finally her hip broke. She's in a Board & care now that doesn't take "I don't wanna" for an answer (they were told by my Aunt that it was OK to be pushy with her). She is also now on anti-depressants. She is doing much, much better now that she is NOT in charge of her own ship. While she isn't back to where she was 15 years ago, she is much better than when she was living on her own.
I would say that
What kind of help is needed? Why won't the person accept help? Is dementia or mental deficiency involved?