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My Mom's skilled nursing home in my area was $12k per month, and Dad had around the clock caregivers from an Agency and that was $20k per month as he was fall risk. After a couple of months and when my Mom [98] had passed, Dad [95] decided to move to Independent Living, where the cost was $6k per month, which seemed like a bargain. And thus the savings wasn't draining out big time.
It scared me. I was looking at my portfolio and was wondering how long would my money last. I have no children or siblings, so I need to be prepared to do this on my own. Chances are I won't reach the age of my parents, because helping them over the past 7 years put a lot of age decline on me, and my health.
My sig other is terrible at caregiving, so I would need to hire caregivers for myself, or move to where my Dad had lived. The place was really nice, so that gives me hope that I could be comfortable in my twilight years.
I threw away my bucket list, as I have zero desire to travel now. I need to hold onto my savings !! My Dad passed last Sept and I am still in that rut. I have no energy at all in the afternoons and evenings. And I don't like being more than a hour away from my doctors.... now I understand what my late mother-in-law meant when she said that.
And I resent the fact that my parents had 25+ years of a fun filled exciting retirement. They never had to take care of their parents, so they had zero idea the mega stress I was going through :(
You summed it up pretty well. I cannot imagine if Mom lived to be 102. I think I would definately be certifiably insane since I have only been doing this for about 5 years. I also became a caregiver, gave up my profession so I could care for Mom as a professional without her spending 30 an hour (that's what my agency bills me out at) not that I see anything close to that in my paycheck! This has truly changed my outlook on growing old. I pray to God to take me before I have to depend on anyone to care for me. I decided against children, probably had something to do with my totally dysfunctional childhood and not wanting to roll those dice. I still don't speak to my brothers. Not to sound morbid but I am not afraid to die, I see it as a release from the never ending list of responsibilities and battles that seems to be my life. We both share lack of patience, another never ending battle with myself on that score. My husband and I never got a honeymoon, no vacations for us, we also were going to move out of state because California is ridiculous from a cost of living standpoint among other issues, but then, Mom's mental and physical health started going. She wanted me to care for her. Not surprising since my brothers are worthless. Life on hold. For how long? Who knows. I am glad I can help make the end of her life as pleasant as possible but the price has been my freedom, my outlook on growing old, my sanity at times, my career, my marriage in limbo, social security won't be squat, sooooo, afraid to die? Not me. Please don't let me end up like her or others I have had experience caring for. Mom never had to care for her Mom since she was in another state so she has no idea what it's like watching your own parent become completely dependent on you. Glad I decided against children, I would never want to put this on any child of mine. I go through emotional ups and downs, try to keep a good sense of humor even though I see the world going down the toilet and my own health problems starting to rear their ugly heads. As Freqflyer put so well, it takes a huge toll on your own health and energy to want to do anything, I can get wiped out just going to the grocery store or doing daily chores. I keep hoping it's part of going through "the change of life" and I will bounce back a bit after it's finally done. My heart is filled with empathy for all of you going through this difficult time and all the emotional, physical and financial toll it takes just trying to step up and do the right thing. It would be so much nicer if we had siblings that would share in the responsibilties but the more I read peoples stories, it is definitely uncommon. Then, there they are with hands extended wanting their "fair share" of the parents money, possessions, etc. This just adds to the stress and nightmare of the sacrifice we chose to make for the well being of our parent/s, accusing us of ulterior motives. Who and the heck would willingly want this to be their life? Sorry for the long rant, guess I am in a mood tonight.
You are right about that! The cost of living, the cost of real estate, heck, just a trip to the grocery store is easily 100 bucks when you didn't seem to get a whole lot of food! It's gotten way out of hand.
I had rescued my Mom from my older brother who abused her, put her house up for sale which sold and moved her to the state where I live. Brother had to move out and then he died. Karma? I don't know.
What I do know is that I do not want to get old. I never had children (my choice) for personal reasons so there is no one to take care of me and I don't think I would want anyone taking care of me if I couldn't take care of myself. That is not living. My Mom just passes the time waiting, waiting, waiting... And the scary part is I understand...
My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm sorry to hear about the toll caregiving is taking on you. Have you considered respite care? Or assisted living? I know its easy.
Dear Jenna,
Me, too. I don't have any kids to take care of me when I am old. I hope my niece or nephew will take pity on me and show me some compassion but who knows. Since my dad passed, I am more afraid of growing too old. Having health problems and becoming dependant on anyone to care for me. I know I cannot control the future, but I do worry about it.
Amazing to me what you wrote. I can relate to pretty much all of it, things we never imagined for ourselves, people we would become under circumstances put upon us. Watching the ugliness re surface from a life long dysfunctional family. I never thought I would end up sacrificing my world because my other siblings would not do the right thing.
Rainy! Ugly resurface?? Its over and over you'd think I'd get used to it.
Jersey, lol I walk around in circles sometimes looking for something I should have know not to leave around until I realize to leave it alone, I may see it again or maybe not. Its not funny but it is funny!*&%#
Babycakes, Your name caught my attention. I named a little kid that about 10 years ago. he was the sweetest little boy and I kinda got attached to him. Your sentinment is the bottom line of my existence and relationship with my mother. I love her, she can pee on me, I wont like it but I will take it (raise my pressure).
You know its sad to say, we have a tumultuous relationship. I try not to remember the nasty. I feel guilty about my feelings sometimes, and the reality hurts. I still live it. I still get it. Its sad to say Its a lot better when she is less lucid because the more lucid she is the more spite, ugly or traces of her game and manipulation shows. Its amazing that her least discomfort is my fault is one way or another.
I love her, she is my mother and I will continue to honor her. I have to just accept she will never appreciate me as a daughter. MY sister spends $10 and its biggest thing ever. I mop, clean her messes, spills, burst sodas in freezer, gook in fridge, surprises surprises, fix shed, fix locks, pest control you name it and her motto is I "aint "never did anything for her. Anyway I will honor her. I just stay in prayer because its hits me hard sometimes and sometimes its like she's my baby.
Just reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes woman. I do understand your feelings as we are the ones who stepped up, we deal with all the day to day bs, our sibs who are uninvolved bring them some cheap trinket and they fall all over themselves like it was sooooo thoughtful and then they resume going back to their lives. We do all the gruntwork, make their lives as pleasant as we can, try to push down the old wounds and feelings that tend to resurface when things come up, it's hard sometimes. But......they are our Mother's, for better or worse, we clean up bodily fluids, do laundry, shop for em, taxi them, take to doctors, handle their finances, on and on. You have become the parent to your parent and it feels like they are the rebellious teenagers who don't want you telling them what they should or should not be doing. It feels like resentment instead of gratitude. Why do we constantly seek out our Mother's love and appreciation? Mom does tell me how grateful she is when I finish doing stuff for her but it goes in one ear and out another with me. I just smile and say "your welcome" but the ugliness that resurfaces with my badbro, could have all been avoided if she just stuck up for me and herself instead of keeping her mouth shut and allowing it all to happen. That is the hardest pill of all to swallow. Too late for that now.
Just now thinking - maybe a robot and self driving car would be nice - ha. Not in the budget.
I am no longer afraid to die.
But I am afraid of dying badly.
I know now that I will not suffer, that I'll age in place and die at home. If I get to the point that I'm a daily burden to my spouse and kids, I have a Plan B.
I won't make my family suffer just so I can live to be 100. My plan is to live until 85 at most, then check out quietly 'in my sleep.' Unless I'm very ill at a younger age, that is.
Living long enough to be a burden is not living at all.
That's how caregiving has changed me. 🙂
As you can see resent reigns so make your terms known do not just let guilt and "responsibility" rob you of your life. We both arranged to prevent ever having to place such a burden on our own children visit us yes but do not give up your lives and the lives of your children for ours