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You cannot reason or explain to dementia. You are wasting your breath and causing you both plenty of anxiety. Just try agreeing with her and see what happens.
When she isn't worrying about Joe, what else does she do and talk about day to day?
The level of delusions you mention do sound like the confabulations of dementia. Or is there a diagnosed mental illness with psychosis?
Infections can cause delerium, confusion, hallucinations & delusions too. So can a change/quick withdrawal of medication.
That's why I wondered if this behaviour was new.
I read that Mother has had 2 mini-strokes. These are often temporary, yet I think can also cause lasting damage too. I wouldn't have thought mini-stroke (TIA) would cause delusions though?
If the delusions are treatable or not is important to know.
Dealing with them may be more *emotional* than *practical*. Use 'fiblets' eg "Joe is OK. He gets very good money from his army pay" (fire-fighters pay, job d'jour etc).
Delusions and confabulation is common with dementia as well. It's best to educate yourself about how dementia presents itself and how you can respond to your mother so the arguments can decrease as you enter her reality instead of try to change her mind about things. That's a waste of time and energy on your part.
Pick up a copy of the book The 36 Hour Day and download the 33 page booklet called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent Fuller. That's your best bet if you intend to keep mom at home. Even if you don't, you should learn about how her mind works now.
If her delusions cause mom too much anxiety, contact her doctor to see about medication to calm her down a bit.
Good luck to you
Then change phone numbers, block phone and email. Don’t argue with her, just say ok Mom I’ll send it later today when I go the bank. And walk away. Repeat as necessary.
Absolutely nothing.
Get the out of it mom away from a computer screen and disable her phone so there's no internet access.
My mother does not have dementia, yet her phone has an app to block all numbers not on her contact list, her bills are set to auto draft reducing her concern about money, I balance her account regularly, she does not access social media, I changed her email from an old and lousy product to something with good safeguards and check her account thru my phone, and I even control her TV channels.
Basic facts to accept and live by:
Predators exist.
Any elderly person is at risk of falling victim to these predators.
Power of Attorney for someone with dementia means you have legally accepted to protect the person to the best of your ability.
Work with a geriatric care specialist and social worker so you understand what this fully means and how to step into the role as POA fully and without guilt.
When my husband is rambling on about something or is starting to get agitated. I wait until he finishes a sentance/thought, wait a few seconds and will use an open ended question/idea-"would you like to _______(go to the grocery store, farm, take a walk, watch a movie, help with dinner)?" Which has worked pretty well for me-so far.
I do not know the entirety of the poster's situation, and do not know if this suggestion would make it worse. Could "Joe" send her a thank you note (written and sent by you of course) saying he's ok now, had to use the moving truck for something else and will be fine, the fires are taken care of and he is now retired.