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I think maybe the outdoor get together is the best option, either at home or in a park, that way they can run off some steam and he can retreat if necessary.
And while I'm sure you would never try to discipline your grandkids that doesn't mean you can't give your own kids a (figurative) slap upside the head 😠
And as far as them just showing up without calling, now that is just plain rude. I would make it perfectly clear to them that while you and your husband enjoy seeing them and spending time with them, they MUST from now on give you the courtesy of calling first, so you can plan on meeting them elsewhere. PERIOD!!!
My sweet and intutive daughters have seen that I get stressed out when we're at our house (the smallest home by far) and they have begun simply saying "we're hanging out at our house" and we go to one fo the 3 MUCH LARGER homes. I'm not spending all the time in the kitchen, and I enjoy the kids a lot more. We do use our house for outdoors events and then the colder months, we're at one of the bigger homes.
I think I made maybe one phone call while I was undergoing chemo and cancelled a family dinner and that is probably what got the girls to think "we're in OUR 40's. mom has been doing this since she was about 25!" There is no shame in letting the next generation take over.
My DH gets bored and tired b/c he refuses to wear his hearing aids, so he often just finds an empty bed and climbs in it. Total party pooper, but that's what he does. He's the one missing out.
People can't read your mind. I know when my middle daughter did Tgiving last year I was weepy with gratitude. All I had said was I was so unenthused about the holidays in general and she got the hint.
1) Pick one person, phone them (and confirm in writing) that you are giving THAT PERSON the responsibility to let you know the details of any planned visits. At present, 4 adults are sorting it out between themselves, and no individual is taking responsibility to let you know. ‘Let me know’ is all too vague! You need someone to take the blame if it’s not done. You stand a better chance with the next visit, and if you are quite clear about ‘blame’, the following visit is almost certain to be better.
2) Pick someone else to organise food. Say that you don’t have time to do it, and they need to bring with them enough for everyone. If they don’t, it will be a ‘no meal, no refreshments’ visit. Once again, have someone specific to blame if it isn’t organised. Stick to it – don’t provide any food, don’t run round at the last minute, don’t apologise. If they want refreshments, they bring them with them or go out and buy them. No apologies. You can still be ‘nice’ - say something like ‘I’ve been looking forward to trying the things that you make. What a pity it got forgotten, I’m sure you will try to remember next time’.
3) Do you have near you one of those places that hosts children’s birthday parties? Suggest that at the moment it would be the best place for a visit. The children (particularly if they are sub-teen) can enjoy running round on all the bouncing gear, while the adults have a chance to sit quietly with DH. Make it clear which one of them is making the booking and paying for it, and the same with the food that will be available there. You can explain in detail (and again confirming it in writing in an email helps) exactly how it will work better for DH, since they don't seem able to work it out for themselves.
Complaining when things don’t work for you is easily forgotten unless you throw a hissy fit about it - which you probably don't want to do. Organising in advance is a better bet!
Another thought, if it is just catering to them that is getting to you, stop doing it. Tell them you are so happy they came and you need them to cook and clean up for themselves. Don't feed them. You know how it is with stray animals, if you feed them they will stay. Have menus from all the local restaurants handy.
Not knowing how advanced the Parkinson's is, does your husband voice his opinion on long drop-in visits where the grandchildren jump all over him? Outside of refusing them entry to the home if they continue to just "drop in" I don't know how to stop this behavior and it could be counterproductive where they would stop coming altogether depriving your husband of time with his children/grandchildren, then making you the "bad guy."
If they want to have a meal with both of you, they would bring the food for all involved.
If it were me, after about 30 - 45 minutes, I would speak up and say thank you for visiting but your father is getting tired and we need to wind this visit down. Your husband should be telling his children to keep down the rowdiness of the grandchildren explaining they are hurting him or his worry about his "leads". If they don't listen to him, I'd then tell them in no uncertain terms that Grandpa isn't a toy and to climb down off of him. (I can't even believe that should have to be said.)
If that doesn't work then I'd leave and return after 30 - 45 minutes kicking them out. But, then, that's just me. Good luck.
I could never leave my husband alone to deal with the suffering. Prior times they have been here while I was at work they watched the kids destroy the house, broke 2 of our most expensive art statues, had drink spills on the carpet, and not 1 note of apology, acknowledgement, NOTHING. So just leaving is not an option. I did kick them out last time and swore never again. I am also thinking about getting a security system w cameras in case evidence is ever needed to file charges. There is a history of my jewelry being stolen.
When my mom was still in her house and I was living there with her, she had an Alzheimer's idea in her head that her relatives were coming. The history of these relatives was that they'd show up from all over the country on the same day (a race to see who could get here first) and invade the homes of the relatives living here. With this memory in her head, my mom had me close all the drapes, lock the doors, unplug the phone, turn off lights and music, and take her to the basement to hide. Most of these relatives are long dead, but in her head of past memories, they were coming and it caused her horrors because she would be the one who had to organize food, cleaning, and beds, while they chatted away with each other.
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