By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Therapy would have been wasted on me bc grief is something we must all pass through naturally. I did more crying while mom was alive than after she passed and achieved peace.
I'm sorry you're witnessing this sorrow yourself. May you give yourself grace as you process this grief and arrive at acceptance. Unfortunately, I have no idea how on earth a daughter or son could treat the situation as a job, with minimal emotional involvement.
Now, I treat her as kindly as I can and tell her I appreciate her strength and that what she is going through is incredibly hard and scary, and I wish I could help her-- but I cannot other than to make sure she is safe and cared for. Then I get out of there. I make sure she gets the best care possible.
But I can no longer be immersed in grief and sadness as it accomplishes nothing good for me or those around me. I hope this doesn't sound harsh. And I wouldn't say this applies to all types of grief. But grief over a parent who has led a long life, and whose care is overwhelming--it is the best way I can approach it, to accept, and to not get too involved in caring. I appreciate the memories but when dwelling on them is painful I put the pictures and memories away. Life is for the living, and people whom I can help. But it is very hard to come to this conclusion. And this is just me. All have their own journey. Just know you are not alone.
There are grief workshops available. Most are free. There is little therapy can do about the reality of losses in life. The only way out of them is through them.
I can tell you that there will always be glimmers in them of who you once knew them to be. And they are still someone, but as Oliver Sacks, the neurologist said, their world is not our world. It is different. That doesn't mean it is not a world. My brother and I talked about his symptoms so long as we could. He mercifully died before the worst of his Lewy's could get all he had been. But whatever he would have become, he would have still to me been my bro. Would I have mourned his losses? Oh, my, yes. Am I glad he didn't have to endure them? Oh, my, yes. And glad also I didn't have to stand witness to them. He loved to be in charge of his life. It would have been so very tough.
It isn't like there is any choice in this, is there?
Also, like your situation, the previous person is gone and the new person is problematic.
As MM suggested, treat it like normal grief - because it is. When you feel grief, lean into it and then step away from it and do something else. You have to learn to step away from the grief because wallowing in grief is tempting.
MM suggested you have minimal emotional involvement. That is for the best, I often interact with my son as though we are in a nursing home and I am his paid, respectful attendant.
when lili left, things changed, but I’d still bring over snacks for everyone. We’d dance or play with a dimestore plastic ball. Emma who was in a wheelchair would want to touch the ball snd engage too.
Sometimes i would just sit with mom and my aunt (moved her in same place)and read them a story out of woman’s magazine, or readers digest. Just a good short true story so they can listen and hear my voice.
Change it up ftom time to time. I know it’s hard, but do not grieve around them, it just makes it tougher on you..
if you can’t muster up the energy to dance or make quick conversation, read them a story. Grab a readers digest or woman’s day. It’ll take about 5 minutes to read a story. They’ll hear you or sense you are there.
Yes, it’s okay to grieve and be sad.. they’ve been gone for awhile.. I still grieve.. but as my FIL said, these bodies were not made to last forever..
Since my son suffers from severe psychosis, there are a lot of days when he doesn't enjoy me at all. Those days are particularly challenging for me and the caretaker attitude gets me through the days where he hates me and suspects I am poisoning him. On the "glimmer" days, he says he finds me reassuring.
All of these new treatments extend life, but it's a life that gets smaller and smaller.
As they say in the cancer world, if the cancer doesn't get you, the chemo will. He gets both the pain of chemo and the coming death to deal with each day.
Grief is grief and it's a burden to learn to carry, however it shows up.
In short, I forced myself to go, because there were still little glimpses of her that popped up once in a while that told me she was still in there. Her habit of twirling a lock of hair was one of the main things that never went away, and even though she was unconscious on her last day she was still twirling her hair. That kind of thing it was kept me going day in and day out.
My mom's been gone for 2 1/2 years now, and NOW I'm grieving her even though the mother I knew had been gone for the better part of 10 years. I think I felt I'd grieved her while she was still alive, but it turned out I hadn't.
There's no timeline for grief, and it'll hit you out of nowhere, or you'll wonder why it doesn't bother you on one day but does on another. It just shakes itself out with time.
Indeed, we do grieve long before a person actually dies.
People are not the same person that they were before they had a disease that took their physical and emotional life away.
Plus, we grieve about not being able to experience joyful times together any longer. Those who didn’t have good relationships will grieve for what they would have liked to have in their relationship.
The way my therapist has explained the different stages of grief to me is that we may move through some stages more easily and become stuck in another stage. It’s a process that we work through.
There are grief support groups and caregiver support groups. I hope that you will be able to find peace throughout this pre grieving process and afterwards when death occurs.
The actual death is a whole other ballgame. For me, it’s a bit hard to explain. It’s sadness, yet relief. It’s memories, both happy and sad. It’s final but often doesn’t seem real. It takes time to fully grasp certain emotions.