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the Hospice Nurse told me that dying is a "personal" thing and if they want to be alone they will wait.
Your mom did exactly what she wanted to do.
If this has been 3 1/2 years you might want to talk to a Bereavement Counselor or find a Support Group.
You have done nothing to feel guilty about. And would your mom want you to feel this way for so long?
Everyone goes alone. It doesn't matter if there are a hundred people surrounding that person 24 hours a day and don't leave them alone for a moment. When it's our time, we all take that journey on our own and leave when it's time for us to go.
We come into this world alone and we leave it the same way.
You were most certainly "there" for your mother. You would not have written your post or be feeling bad about her passing if you weren't.
You know this and your mom does too.
How about showing yourself a little kindness? You didn't do anything wrong going home to take a shower and to get a few things done that needed doing. Your mom went to the next life when she was ready to go and she is at peace. God bless her and keep her.
It's okay for you to grieve and miss your mom. It's not okay for you to put guilt on yourself for leaving for a little while because that wasn't wrong.
The fact that it has been over 3 years now, tells me that you would most likely benefit from some type of therapy or counseling, as your mom would certainly not want you feeling guilty about something you had absolutely no control over.
Life is short and it is precious, so do whatever you need to to get your joy back. God bless you.
I know it’s hard to reconcile yourself to the fact you were doing self-care instead of her care, but had she been awake, she would have shooed you off, telling you to look after yourself. What matters most if you were there while she was ALIVE.
Forgive yourself. Your mother would want you to cut yourself a break.
I had cared for my dad (lived 4 hours away), but had to curtail that, then stop completely, to move my mil in with my dh and our 12 yr old dd and care for her 24/7 for her final 3 months. I was so exhausted after her death that I did not see my dad before he died (which was exactly 2 months after my mil's death). What REALLY MATTERED was that he and I had had PLENTY of time—before mil moved in—to reconcile, AND he told me how proud he was of me for taking care of mil. I like to think that God wanted me to take care of mil, so I could step out of the way and let my mother and 4 sibs step in and interact with Dad in some meaningful way (they did not, but at least at they DID have the chance). Thank you, again.
I honestly believe my mother was actually waiting for me to leave. It was so soon after I left, that she passed away.
My way of dealing with the guilt was to tell myself I had intended to bring the brothers, etc., but Mom had other plans. That was her style, to "take control" and not let us see her less than strong if she could help it. And I knew she was in good hands. My father, who had passed 17 years before, "spoke" to me while I was still in the hospital room that day, telling me "they" would "take it from here." I had also sensed my grandparents and others close by in spirit while I was still in the hospital room with her. Through the grief and the guilt I felt for leaving her, in retrospect I know now she was truly not alone.
You were there with her when she needed you. You left a very good reason: self-care, so you could be strong again the next day for her. Try not to beat yourself up for this.
I am firstly so sorry for your loss. But what you are feeling now is "grief", not guilt. You hoped to be there when your Mom passed. As a nurse I can assure you that patients often wait until relatives leave so they feel more free to pass; they often spend time trying to help the grief of their loved ones when they would rather be involved in the work of letting go.
The word "guilt" assumes that there is something you could have/would have been able to do about this loss. Grief recognizes that you have sustained a hard loss. If you need help with your grieving there are groups and Licensed Social Workers who are certified in special training for life transition work who can help you. May your good memories sustain you.
For some it may be helpful to be there. For some it may be traumatic to see a loved one pass. But I don't think your loved one is dwelling on it. If they are sleeping in death, they are not aware. If you think they are aware somewhere, I cannot imagine them dwelling on their last few moments on earth.
Whatever you did or didn't do, there is not reason to dwell on it. Forgive yourself as we should forgive ourselves and others.
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