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It is a hard decision placing a LO. The LOs needs have to be looked at and the ability of the Caregiver to care for those needs.
No one wants to go to a nursing home, but they aren’t to be dreaded. Be thankful that there are people to care for your dad so your mother’s burden can be lifted.
If dad's care has become too much for mom to deal with, as often becomes the case with Alzheimer's and dementia, then a SNF IS the best answer for all concerned. Living out of state, you may not be aware of the toll his care is taking on her, but it's a gruesome thing after 5 years, for most caregivers.
While a SNF IS nobody's first choice in life, neither is dementia. It's truly a lose-lose situation for ALL involved. My mother suffered from vascular dementia for 6 years and lived in a wonderful Memory Care Assisted Living facility for 3. And STILL it wasn't perfect for her, even though she got great care. I cried every time I visited her (afterward in the car) because the decline is a terrible thing to witness. I prayed daily for God to take her, but that didn't happen till she was over 95.
It's okay to struggle, but it's what mom needs now most likely, and what dad requires as well. Visit when you can and make the best of a sad situation.
Good luck to you.
Another great thing - it has allowed me and brother to get our lives back from hands on care giving. Oh, my father's condition improved as soon as he got there too.
Something to fear? I wish I knew it was something to embrace.
What does MOM say, as this is quite honestly in her hands.
You are correct to be worried about her. She could well die before her husband when this caregiving becomes more than she can bear. Still this is a matter for your parents, not you to decide.
Eventually something will happen. Dad will become more than Mom can handle or Mom will have an injury. Possibly death.
I don't know if you plan a visit, but it is time to work on assets evaluation, POAs for health and financial when that is needed, on all paperwork, and then the hard face to face discussions. Hope you will update us when that can happen.