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Therapist Pauline Boss states that you should NEVER care for a person who has been your abuser in the past.
Arrange to leave as soon as possible.
We don’t have to destroy ourselves to take care of those who tried to destroy us.
I was luckily raised by wonderful parents, and it IS a matter of luck.
I do not consider blood to be thicker than water. My genetics were a happy accident. We are born to either more or less capable parents.
Once grown we are responsible to make the best life we can for ourselves and those we love and care for, for those we bring into this world.
Our obligation is to our family moving forward, and to ourselves, not to those who failed in our care.
Just how I roll. My choice. My own humble opinion.
We each must make our own, recognizing that it IS our choice, and we are responsible for making it.
And maybe don't tell him when you have plans, then he won't be able to sabotage them
You said yourself that you are already dealing with anxiety and depression.
Abuse, any kind of abuse, leaves a mark. Maybe not a physical one - but it doesn't have to be physical to leave scars.
No one should be in the position of caring for their abuser. For a number of reasons.
1. Whether you have processed and healed - or not - you are throwing yourself right back into the lion's den. Into an unhealthy environment where you are regularly exposed to your abuser.
2. Your abuser...is now dependent on YOU. In very rare cases, that can make them thankful. But that almost never happens. The more likely scenario is that it makes them resentful and angry - and they take that out on YOU. They feel indebted to you, and that is unsettling, so they have to turn it on you and make it about you being in their debt and owing them care - just for being born.
3. Even if you happen to feel healthy and like you have moved on (and it sounds like you may not from your post) you are still very prone to have all of those old feelings dredged up from spending so much time with your parent. That is bound to make you feel like you did when the emotional abuse was occurring. And take you right back to that time.
4. The emotional abuse could start again.
5. You are not dealing with your parent as a child now. You are now an adult - fully grown - with all of the physical power and responsibility that comes with that. And you are now dealing with - not another equal adult - but a vulnerable elderly one - one that is generally only slightly less protected than small children and the disabled - so you are in the power position now- and any sense that YOU are wielding that power in any way - wrong - will be observed by many - in the way that your parent's emotional abuse of you as a child SHOULD have been.
Why is #5 important? Because it would be very easy for your parent to back you into a corner, provoke you and push you too far - and bring back all of that old pain - and you have to always be in control of yourself. YOU have to always be one step ahead of your parent and you cannot under any circumstances ever let them get to you to the point that you cannot reign it in.
I have watched my DH and SIL deal with my FIL's continued abuse now for years. Only the physical abuse stopped. I have had to reign myself in at times. He is a terrible man. But he is still a vulnerable old man in the eyes of the world. And he can play the part very well. Our children have not been allowed around him in years. But we have had a support system and we have had a goal. To get him into a care facility. And we finally succeeded. It's only slightly more peaceful - but at least we aren't around him as much.
From my perspective. You should never have to care for your abuser. It's not good for anyone concerned.
I definitely came from the “children are seen and not heard” generation, as I’m sure some of you have.
my dad worked three jobs, which was unfortunate, since he gave me so much love when we were together.
Mom worked from 1pm to 5pm. I walked home from school.
I still recall the neglect that was unrealized by me as a very young child.
As early as I can remember, from 4 years old, I wasn’t bathed regularly, hair washed etc. I dressed myself, was required to clean my own room or was spanked…or I would now call that beaten.
Dad left early each morning to work, came home, got ready for the 2nd job and then back to get ready for the 3rd.
Mom left dinner in the fridge for me to get ready for dad.
She went from her job to visit with her lady friends and family.
I was alone. At six years old, I’ve had a teacher send a note home to tell my mom to be sure to give me a bath regularly.
When she was home she was uncaring, nervous and verbally abusive.
Her friends loved her though.
Through the years as I walked home from school to an empty house, I was taunted by bullies with no one to cry to. She only cared about herself and her girlfriends!
I was never taught about womanly things as I entered my teens.
I know this sounds like a pity party, but abuse comes in many forms!
Now I am the sole caregiver for mom. After doing this while she was home for the past 16 years since Dad passed, She is now in a skilled nursing home due to severe diabetes and dementia.
I feel it’s my duty to visit, when I’m off work, take her out, bring her shoes, sugar free treats, clothing essentials, and to show her love and care.
I do limit my visits to when I can.
Everyone there says “we all love your mom! She’s the sweetest!”.
They have no idea what my life was like and I don’t share that.
My advice. Don’t do what makes you shudder and suffer.
we all have a story. Mine is just telling the tip of the iceberg.
Keep your sanity.
There are plenty of other options out there for their care, so let their care fall on someone else, and you continue to get yourself healthy.
It took me a long time to accept that my needs were as valid as my mother's - I'm not sure I ever did fully, because 60 years of scapegoat training is hard to undo. My mum died a few months ago and people have commented on how 'lifted' I look. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
Stop taking time off to cater to his demands.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop showing up: call Adult Protective Services and report hil as a vulnerable senior.
He is NOT your responsibility.
My mother-in-law is 95 and won't move to assisted living. Her daughter has POA but my husband (her son) and I live closest to her. Daughter gets frustrated and stays away for months. She's fallen twice this year and is sliding toward dementia. If she gets bad enough we can do this. Thank you!