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Ask her doctor to help you deliver the news. Don’t warn wife ahead of time. Have options ready - you go visit some places beforehand and don’t tell wife. Let her scream and yell, berate and blame, but she’s going there anyway.
Be firm. You don’t deserve to live like this. Very sad situation, but she’s the one who has been changed by this illness and she deserves to be cared for by professionals who can provide better care than you can at this stage of disease.
Have you said, "If your cruelty continues, I'm putting in you a facility"? Because if she can straighten up on that, it's not dementia. If this behavior is truly dementia, a facility is probably the best place for her. Otherwise, you have to dig really deep and remember your love for her and know that it's not really her talking to you like that.
But it sounds so hard, and if it's a choice between your sanity and health vs. hers, well, she's already on the way, you know? Put your oxygen mask on first and hope for the best.
I'm so sorry.
Is this new behavior? If so, get her tested immediately for a UTI. These can cause psychiatric symptoms.
If this is her typical behavior, it behooves you, for BOTH of your sakes to get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. She needs meds for agitation and anxiety.
No one should be subjected to this kind of verbal abuse.
I think that the first word should have been, “She”.
Autocorrect sure does create confusion!
Are you the caregiver?
Who is verbally abusing you?
Who is the patient?
If this is new behavior in a dementia patient, consider that a UTI may be to blame.
Limit your exposure. Walk out of the room.
If the person who is "trashing" you is not someone with dementia, tell them to F off and tell them to leave the premises.
Agree with sending them to a memory care facility. It's best for both of you.
Best of luck to you.
Do you have your wife in an adult daycare center or have any outside help coming in to assist you? Those both are great ideas to give yourself a much needed break and help rejuvenate your soul, as you'll have time to do things that you enjoy.
I would also take to her neurologist to see if there is any medications that might help keep her more calm.
And then of course, if her care is getting to just be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in a memory care facility. That way she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her husband and advocate.
The only upside to this is that if in fact your wife has vascular dementia, it is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so things will progress rather quickly and she will not stay at the stage she's in now for long, as she will be on to the next one.
So hang tight, and do what is not only best for your wife but also what is best for you.
This behavior will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If she is not on medication to help with anxiety, depression you should talk to her doctor.
Making the decision to place someone in Memory Care is not an easy decision. I said I would care for my Husband at home as long it was safe to do so. Safe for HIM and safe for ME. Safety is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety as well. It sounds like it is no longer safe for you to care for your wife at home. She may be better with caregivers. You could try that. But it may be that you have to place her in a facility that can provide for her needs 24/7/365.