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I suggest these because I cared for my invalid, massively handicapped wife at home for two years and twice a week, for four hours each time, I had a paid lady come in and take care of her. The relaxation was wonderful...The knowledge that I'd get a bit of respite again soon was soothing..
May God bless you richly,
Bob in North Carolina
Your cup is not only full but, overflowing. You can't possibly continue to handle all of these situations without some sort of help or your health will suffer immensely and you won't be able to take care of any of them.
I know you want to help your mom but, your husband desperately needs you along with your daughter and grandsons.
Please reconsider putting her in a care facility where they are not only trained to handle her physical problems but, her behaviors as well. Do you think your mom would be the first one they have had to deal with when it comes to not getting their way, tantrums, refusing to cooperate? I'll answer that - it's a resounding "NO!" Why? Because it is so common with elderly people to have mood swings, be uncooperative, combative and for a whole variety of reasons - pain, wanting to be more independent when they know they can't be and some who simply have always been allowed to get their way. Let them handle it while you continue working your full-time job both career-wise and within your home taking care of your family.
If that doesn't convince you, how about this - back in 2015 when we moved my mom into an AL facility after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, clearing out her house and storing some of it, selling her house in order to make her rent payments I had severe pain in my temples. After going to the doctor, he immediately had me get bloodwork, a brain scan and sent me to a Vascular Surgeon all in one day. The next day, I was in surgery - if I hadn't, he said I could have died from a massive stroke or go permanently blind and I was only 53. My cortisol levels were so high (that's what happens with high stress) that I was put on a very low dose of a chemotherapy drug used for patients with Rheumatoid Arthritis after being put on steroids that I couldn't tolerate. Prior to that medication, I started feeling like my insides were on fire all the way up to my chest, esophagus, throat, mouth, lips and the inside of my nostrils. I had a specialist do a scope down my throat and he found nothing! I had something I never, ever heard of - Burning Mouth Syndrome. It was pure hell and agony. So how do I cope, I know some will disagree but, I had to take a small dosage of anti-anxiety medication. Then I added 30 minutes of exercise that I actually enjoy doing and if I don't have time to do the full 30 minutes, I'll at least do 15 minutes and then I listen to instrumental music that is calming.
Also, my mom did not want to move out of her house but, she adjusted. Was any of this easy for any of us? No, but she's getting a type of care that I could never give her as I'm not trained. After nearly dying in April from severe dehydration and COVID, we moved her to a new facility into their memory care wing. She can no longer walk, lost 20 lbs. and doesn't eat much so she has hospice care. She is doing really well considering everything she went through.
So please take heed, before something happens to you because if it does, then what? I hope you will give us an update as to how all of you are doing!
Every so often things get stressful again between us all and I have to draw the boundaries up again. They test me, but I can’t cave. And my husband is going to be 76 yrs old and he is showing signs of decline. He sees doctors in almost every field now who are trying to help him, but his blood work is awful (kidney disease) and his sugar is sky high! (Bad diabetes). He won’t eat right. It is pure insanity sometimes trying to stay calm. I can’t be the food police as I tried and it was horrible! I’ve been a caretaker for my immediate family for 10 yrs now. They’ve all died except for my mother. Caretaking is no joke and I don’t wish it on anyone!
Please take a step back and see how you can make things easier for yourself. You will make hard decisions and one you won’t be comfortable with, but it must be done. You deserve a healthy life! Don’t fall into the trap and be a martyr. You CAN’T do it all! Love and hugs to you.
The grandchildren have parents who are responsible for them. You are not responsible for their children's care. Your adult daughter should be lightening your burden. You didn't mention if she works at all, but if she isn't pulling her weight in your home, then she needs to make other living arrangements for herself and her son. At the very least she could watch her 7 year old nephew 2 days a week and give you some breathing space.
Your mom needs to go to a facility ASAP. She is not your sole responsibility. You don't mention if you have siblings or how your mother is set financially but it's past time to sound the alarm.
Your husband is getting worse, are you going to take care of two people with full blown dementia? Or one with cancer and two with dementia?
Your duty is to your husband and children, then your grandchildren, your Mom comes last.
40% of caregivers die before their patients, are you aware of that? The stress kills them. You would be a prime candidate because you have taken on the jobs of about 4 or 5 people. Please seriously consider lightening your load. Your health will thank you it, so will your family when you’re still around 5 years down the road.
Why can't your mother go to a facility?
Blondie97, listen to everyone who tells you to put your mom in some type of home so she gets more help and try to get your daughter and grandson out of your home. You deserve a rest, a vacation, a space of time for yourself. Please, don't feel guilty, you count too.