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I think most of us love our moms. That doesn't mean that caring for them when they are elderly is easy
Here's the thing. Many folks ASSUME that because your mom took care of you as a child, you owe her for that.
I believe that's a false assumption; I believe that because MY MOTHER told me that my job wasn't to care for her, it was to pass that caring down to MY kids and my husband. That she and my dad were adults and responsible for their own old age.
Here's what I did. I decided how much I was willing to do and could do without damaging my relationship with my kids and husband and without putting my job in jeopardy. That turned out to be an hour or so of visiting once a week. Occasionally a doctor visit. Showing up at the hospital for true emergencies and being her advocate. Helping to find food facilities for her.
NOT daily entertainment, cuddling, cooking, toileting, dressing and the like.
Decide what you can do without resentment and anger. And stick to it.
BOTTOM LINE: don't let her take over your life (like I did). It is an ugly, ugly road paved with guilt, fear, obligations and burdens (that are not yours to carry).
My heart hurts for you. Sending love and best wishes.
I think you realize that you can’t do it all by yourself. It’s too difficult for one person to do.
Either hire help to supplement some of the caregiving or look into placement for your mother in a facility.
Don’t listen to others who may tell you to continue things as they are. Do what is best for you. You matter just as much as your mom.
Plus, if you’re burned out or get sick yourself, you won’t be as effective as a caregiver. Everyone has a breaking point. You haven’t failed your mom if you have reached yours.
Many people who are advocating for their parents accomplish more than those who are trying to do everything alone. We can only do so much by ourselves.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.
For me I have recently started to treat my mom's caregiving, more like a job and take the personal aspects out. Compartmentalizing the emotional part. It really is starting to help.
My mother can no longer do her laundry, which has always been an issue for me because it's in the basement, and I didn't want her going up and down. I gave up that fight, but now that she can't, she is angry. This morning she was complaining about her favorite towel being dirty, she was explaining why she can only use that one towel. I handled it very differently this time, I shrugged and said, well we can't all get what we want. In a very unemotional, detached way. But not really rude or snotty. Just matter of fact.
It really seems to be helping me not to get my anxiety up, or get upset. I'm still practicing and learning what works.
Good luck your not alone
I really liked how you treat caregiving(or parts of it), as a job. I need that, I get tangled up in the emotional part, need to keep that separate.
Thank you for the post! 🌻
Set some terms (boundaries) with your mother and stick to them.
AlvaDeer in the comments is right. When her care needs are being taken care of by paid help that is when you stop being the parent of an adult-sized child and go back to being the adult child of a senior mother.
Let me tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver and I'm saying it for your own good and your mother's.
NEVER cater to the fussy and demanding senior even when they need help.
NEVER "baby" an adult. The only time an adult should ever be "babied" is if they are so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby. In that case keeping them home is really no longer the appropriate level of care and they belong in a nursing home or memory care facility.
Preserving any level of independence is the most important thing. Anything a person can still do for themselves they must do for themselves.
I'm reminded of a care client I had some time ago. She lived with her daughter. This woman was perfectly able to get around with her walker. To the kitchen when she wanted a snack and always wanted to go out all the time.
Yet there had to be a portable commode next to the couch where she spent most of her days eventhough there was a handicapped-equipped bathroom nearby. I asked the daughter why the commode was there as her mother got up and used the actual bathroom while I was there.
The daughter claimed it was "convenient" and she catered to her. No way. Her mother had every caregiver in the agency because she expected to be catered to so badly that they all quit. I told both of them that the commode got put away during the day when I was there. That peeing and crapping in a bucket in the livingroom isn't convenient. It's disgusting and dangerous. An actual toilet doesn't tip over. It flushes so it doesn't stink up your whole house. There's a sink and running water to wash up in. There isn't in the livingroom.
The commode was put away during the day. It stayed put away for the two years I worked for the mother. It upset her at first but it was for her own good.
Bring in homecare to help your mother and instruct them that they are not to cater to her. You will see a big change in her attitude if you do.
(Rustlingleaves)
The only other thing to help will be when my parents finally pass away and we sell their home so that Medicaid can take the proceeds from their house sale. Only then will it be over and I can feel better. It’s sad to write that but it is true.
Anger is a normal human emotion. It’s a reaction to something that is disturbing to us.
Anger isn’t a bad thing. It can have a positive impact on our situation, if it motivates us to make necessary changes in our lives.
How many times do we see people who don’t change things until they become sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Anger is only destructive for us if we become stuck and do nothing about our situation.
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